Fearing a lapse and depression coming back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thebaronspell, Jul 18, 2011.

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  1. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    Just wondering when is it the best time to reveal to my girlfriend I'm actually manically depressed and my moods change rather frequently for no reason. I can conceal my pain quite well on the face of things but sooner or later once I have to discuss my childhood or previous relationship failings I will evoke a barrier in my head which keeps me from breaking down. I don't want to lapse and have another melt down because I truly love this person and I know she'd understand I just wish she wouldn't have to in all fairness. If I just had another person I could discuss all this with face to face I guess I'd be fine but I'm losing allies by the day. Even my pet dog snaps at me when I enter my front door much possibly due to the extensive weight loss gym routine I've set myself to keep my mind focused and off pressing matters like the above. If one thing is for certain I will continue living a lie and pretend to be happy by playing the joker in the pack if I have to but deep down I don't want to anymore. I really need a father's advice or words of wisdom from a wise head but I just don't know who to turn too. My Mum has done no wrong but she doesn't seem to care for my pain, she believes the death of her elderly 80 something father in the 80's is more current then the pressing matters that have held me back for so long. She claims my Uncle hated my Dad and even gave me his name yet can I speak to him at the drop of a hat? Of course not. I refer to him as a Messiah because everybody in her Family paints a pretty picture of him yet I've never been witness to any of his saviour acts of mankind. Whilst my depression has entered a hibernate state I know it will one day return and maybe even finish me off for good despite the love from my girlfriend I fear may not be enough for me sadly.
     
  2. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    It’s great that you are on a gym routine…

    Have you had a therapist? If not, do you feel it may be helpful? Or maybe give your uncle a call and see what happens? It sounds like you can use some help about how you feel about your “childhood or previous relationship failings”…

    I don’t believe that it is wise to live a lie. It would be only fair for your girlfriend to be with the real you. As you said, your girlfriend would understand. She may also (need to) learn how to deal with it together with you. Maybe together you can handle the depression better?

    Do what you need and what you can to take care of yourself…
     
  3. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    I'm not to fond of the gym though to be honest, some personal trainer I've never spoken to gave me a reason not to go back.
    Keep getting weird comments from people asking if I'm dead as they haven't heard from in a while :eek:

    Not seen a therapist sadly, wouldn't quite know how to go about booking an appointment. I won't even visit the Doctors when I'm ill as you have to describe your problem to the receptionist before you can even enter the waiting room. We don't have his number, he luads his superiority by ignoring every other family member. His children lead normal lives. Even my Auntie is a millionaire, really wished I was born a year before when my cousins were born. Why is it they can be born into luck and not me?

    Fair enough I see your point, It's a possibilty I guess. Thanks.
     
  4. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

  5. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    Call your doctor, tell the receptionist you are depressed and want to talk to the doctor about it. Ask the doctor to help you find a way to a therapist. It sounds like you really could use someone to talk to and who can help you with your thoughts and past.

    About your girlfriend. What kind of a relationship is it when you have to pretend and can't be yourself? Offcourse it will be difficult for her, if you tell her about your real condition, but if she loves you she can look past that. And you can even grow more together.
     
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Here is a video clip entitled “My Father Isn't Here for Me”. The Questioner is Byron Katie, who is well known for “The Work” which has helped many people around the world. Essentially The Work consists 4 (simple) questions. People can learn and use them to question their thoughts. The video clip is an example to show how it works:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVUwg9Nl9YU&playnext=1&list=PLE7A226E65BA9EC34

    You can find more info on “The Work” at:

    http://www.thework.com/index.php

    As said on the website:

    You are a very intelligent and sensitive gentleman. I really hope you find the help you need to remove the psychological barriers...

    :rose:
     
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I'm here to listen if you feel like talking about your childhood and previous relationships (you can PM me)...

    Your situation made me recall some experiences and feelings I had for years and years. I felt a kind of barrier with people because of some experiences I had. I didn't believe that they would understand me in the way I had wanted them to. I would imagine or project their reactions to my stories if I told them. The fact is that I was not really okay myself with what actually happened...

    Anyway, when I got older, I got better but not completely grew out of it until recently. It was a kind of mixed feeling of shame and guilt. Now I finally realize that it need not be...

    Now I'm completely okay with what happened or what happens. As I know, it would not change the reality even if I don't feel okay with it. When I do feel okay with it, I'm at ease, in peace...life feels nice and enjoyable, even the simple things in life...it doesn't really matter how things are...so long as we are okay with what is. It's only wise to accept what is, because it already is, no matter what... Like Byron Katie said, you can argue with the reality, but you will lose only 100%...

    Since I'm truly completely okay with whatever the reality was or is, it doesn't matter that much when others react with their opinions. I don't expect them to understand me or see the reality in my way. I keep their opinions as their opinions, reality as reality. This way, my relationships with others are simple and light...not stressful...

    Of course, accepting what is does not mean that we cannot do anything to change or improve things. If there is anything needs to be done or we can do something to improve the situation, we can still go ahead and do it... Actually, the doing is more empowered when it is out of (based on) accepting the reality...

    I encourage you to let it out and get over the psychological barriers...

    :shake:
     
  8. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for your advice and support. I will get in touch again via pm just unable to at the moment as I can't access the personal messaging section on my phone internet. I don't rarely think about my family it's only when I'm asked about them that I feel tormented for days on end after.
    That is sweet of you to say but my morals and gentlemanly lifestyle has done nothing for me, I envy men who manage without caring in life. I'm just an emotional wreck
     
  9. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey brother - or son! - I mean I'm about as old as your father would be. Sorry he is gone - its hard for for a man not to be able to have another man tell him about woman! But do not worry - you got me - and other older guys here. We are connected - its almost like being part of a family really.

    OK then son, lets talk....

    Women ALWAYS know when a man has some darkness eating away at his soul. Some know right away! But this is rare. It depends how private you are about your feelings. Some men open up easily - but if you have a good woman - she will find out. They always do.

    With woman - there is always a next level in a relationship in which they tick off a list in their minds! Everyone women does this - and I guess I know exactly what gets ticked off also!

    On a basic level - you have already said your fairly good looking lad. Some men have self image issues - so if you do - let me pop that little bubble for you! I know I'm not that good looking - but I feel confident enough to not let that get me down. If you worry about what others think about you - then its time to join me and not give a shit what anyone thinks.

    So for you - this girl you are with - do what I'd do.

    Take her somewhere nice - I mean somewhere nice that does not cost a lot of money. I say this as in the UK - right now - a lot of us are poor!

    Anyhow - I'd say go to the seaside. You can find a nice pub later on but take a train (so you can have a drink) and take a nice walk in the daytime along the beach. Look at the ocean or sea, throw some stones, but don't swim in it! not a good idea with jellyfish, pollution and so on.

    Just tell her how you feel - who you are. Reveal the 'darkness' but make sure you can maintain some levity - some humour about it. You might laugh - or cry, but every man has the right to cry a few times in his life. So if you have to 'man up' to cry - only the seagulls will bear witness! And her of course.

    Your a intelligent bright young man - you know life is too short sometimes. And for people like us - we cannot just fall in love and hide what we really are. Most men can enjoy falling in love - and lie about themselves. Your just frightened about BEING in love instead of enjoying that beautiful journey!

    So tell her. In fact - with me - I'd likely be around there now - already - because at least if she turns around and says "I don't want you as a lover" then you won't be able to drown in the sea! I joke!

    Seriously though - messed us as I might be sometimes - no way in the world could I hide this sh** from a beautiful woman. I'd tell them before I even walked them home and had a first kiss! It was not always like this but I'm older now - wiser, and when it comes to love you really do have to open up!

    Here's an example why...

    A young man I knew - a nephew of a family friend - recently died in a hospice. Cancer. He phoned all his mates up the night before he died! He was doing this for weeks which was amazing. Aged 18 his ticket was punched - his exit secured.

    Anyway - when we all die - its not the people we slept with who matter - in fact - sexual attraction - that kind of connection does not matter. Its great - but it cannot 'save you'. Its a diversion for people like us. What is important to us is who loves us - your family, friends, people you trust 100%.

    One more person you have to learn to love is you! For this to happen sometimes a man has to find someone who loves him. Each man is different in that regards but even if you love yourself regardless it helps to have a good woman - always!

    So - I hope she is a good woman. If she is she will not turn away from you when you share the darkness. However, what you have to be careful about is becoming a 'burden' and sharing it all the time. Once is enough - I mean, you have to make her laugh and raise her spirits also.

    And you know, its possible once you tell her that she will share what little darkness lurks in her. Everyone has a bit - we have a lot! So share - then be very nice to her! Just enjoy the journey - the destination will always arrive no matter what. Part of love is the journey before you fall in love - get married, or be like me and stretch things out a little!

    We could hang out, look for mothers and daughters, take in some cool music - fight in a mosh pit and I know we'd bond as men! We don't need to share our darkness with each other - just have a good time to let a bit more light into the shrivelled darkened husks of our souls! This how men deal with their darkness. I mean, even if you get married you need to give her space. But for now - its all about getting close to see if things are cool between you.

    Maybe we should have a suicide forum UK rave, meet each other, and we'd all feel so much better knowing that, yes indeed, there are people like us out there.

    There would be no alone in the crowd feeling!

    Anyhow - I like reading your stuff and you have such a cool name that sticks in the mind!

    Last but not least - please remember that sometimes when you feel bad - woman can make it better or make it worse. Some men (many of my mates)always need a woman in their lives, no matter what! But for us - or for the way we might be right now - the danger is sharing your darkness with someone who will throw it back at you.

    Depends how things go - but IF you choose to hide things, I guarantee that that darkness will reveal itself itself and she will feel like you are someone else!

    You will hurt her - she will hurt you. When love goes wrong for people like us - we take it too personally. We judge ourselves all the time and we are the hanging judge - that archetypical nasty judge who just hangs everyone in case they might be guilty!

    We ARE someone else mate - we differ, so try to establish that truism in your mind right here - and right now.

    If you had ingrown toe-nails, you would tell her because they hurt you and might make you 'grumpy' so you'd think "I best tell her" in case she thinks I'm not too interested in her!

    So here you are, wishing you were dead a lot of the time, in a lot of pain! you have an illness which is the worse in some ways.

    Think about it - not telling her is quite funny really. You could pretend to be some deep and edgy poet - a dark poet, and wear a black polo neck and maybe turn a bit Goth! Hell, those Gothic woman are sure attractive as hell - and i know why - its like they are proud of their own darkness - embrace it - glorify it and have a good time also!! Sadly its an act. Most are happy and have their heads together.

    I've talked my way out of it. It seemed so great whilst I was a Goth, but I cannot be!

    Good luck brother - just go for it, life is too short to even ask yourself whether to be HONEST with a women who you are at the start of something with.

    But if you just want an affair with her - NEVER say a thing about the darkness ever. Just play for time - and leave when she drops hints about a 'next level' or when she starts to know there is something you are hiding!!! You can do this kindly.

    Stay away from intelligent women IF you just want affairs - because the smarter a woman is the sooner she knows you are hiding something.

    Hiding your darkness is not dishonest. Sometimes its the kinder option as you can make some woman feel good about herself instead of throwing some kind of therapy session on her!

    Hiding your darkness, for the main part of life, is sensible.

    It is a private part of yourself that you should share sparingly.

    Hope some of this helps.

    And PS - you gotta learn guitar also - get educated - write a book and get artistic and creative also. Watch a little TV sometimes - like once a week or so its OK to zone out. Party, a lot! Maybe you need the right women for this - but me - the wrong one helps also sometimes. lol.

    Working out is great. I look after myself also and each man develops his own system as regards keeping fit and muscle definition, stamina and so on. YOU know your own body - listen to it - treat it well because its the temple of your soul! It is the temporary shelter we exist in.

    Lots more advice of course - but get out there and live a little. Win this women for yourself - then once you have a 'win' then you are a winner!

    She might make you feel like a million dollars - you gotta find that out and won't feel that way until she knows your secret. Because you share something with her - your already living THAT lie!

    This worries you - it niggles you - concerns you and makes you feel even more insecure. Deal with it now!

    Good luck.

    Regards.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  10. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    It's okay never been called Son before so that's a total first. Even at the age of 21 I still feel so unprepared for life without the wisdom words of a father figure. It's like I've been tossed out into the world without even having one look at the manual to life. What I'd do just to have somebody to turn to for advice is unreal. Thanks. I've got so many relatives yet I barely know any of them it just shows how far one person has to go to be heard doesn't it.
    She does seem to spot when I'm feeling down. She's promised me to stick around which of course I was more then happy to do.
    I wouldn't deem myself to be that good looking really. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't look out of place on a Tim Burton movie. I had to stop playing Football (Soccer) because of a knee injury I sustained years ago. I put on a bit of weight and my friend dragged me to the gym to help build some confidence up which seems to have worked. I'm shy as anything mostly, even around my friends I stammer up and refuse to come out of my shell. Being funny is my only escapism but I sometimes fall flat on that and it dents my self believe. Don't belittle yourself though and I'm glad you don't let anything get to you.

    I know it's a farce here in England where prices are concerned. I'm short on ideas so thanks. She has sussed out I used to write poems, think I posted one on here last year? She's got her heart set on receiving one from me which I've said I'd do but I've never wrote for anybody in particular before so I'm suffering from writers block.

    All I know is I won't hide my inner self away for long. I write and read quite a lot mostly.

    Thanks.
     
  11. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Isn’t it a blessing that we have the internet now and peacelovinguy can be here for/with you?! :)

    Reading is what really helped me get through the "darkness". The more you read, the better you know which books you resonate with more deeply…like talking to very good/helpful friends at a very deep level/connection. With the internet now, you can search and find pretty much any books related to what you may need…

    It’s great to see you on this track…wish you the best :pinkrose:
     
  12. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    The internet hmm, allowed me to finally speak to my Lesbian half sister (25) who is reluctant to reveal my Father's address in fear of three more of his kids stealing her precious attention from him. All she's done is give me phone number that doesn't work. She barely even speaks to me. Sorry it just has lead me to a life of ruin. I m not a drinker but I've had a few drops tonight I don't quite know what to say, I'm grateful for my fellow Englishmen's support.
    I'm a keen reader but my heart isn't in it anymore. To hell with the World :(
     
  13. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Sorry you are feeling this way now, hon…

    This will pass…be gentle to yourself…how you think and feel will change…

    Please hang in there…

    :rose:
     
  14. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    Trying to hold on but I don't see the sun coming over the horizon any time soon :(
     
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