Hey brother - or son! - I mean I'm about as old as your father would be. Sorry he is gone - its hard for for a man not to be able to have another man tell him about woman! But do not worry - you got me - and other older guys here. We are connected - its almost like being part of a family really.
OK then son, lets talk....
Women ALWAYS know when a man has some darkness eating away at his soul. Some know right away! But this is rare. It depends how private you are about your feelings. Some men open up easily - but if you have a good woman - she will find out. They always do.
With woman - there is always a next level in a relationship in which they tick off a list in their minds! Everyone women does this - and I guess I know exactly what gets ticked off also!
On a basic level - you have already said your fairly good looking lad. Some men have self image issues - so if you do - let me pop that little bubble for you! I know I'm not that good looking - but I feel confident enough to not let that get me down. If you worry about what others think about you - then its time to join me and not give a shit what anyone thinks.
So for you - this girl you are with - do what I'd do.
Take her somewhere nice - I mean somewhere nice that does not cost a lot of money. I say this as in the UK - right now - a lot of us are poor!
Anyhow - I'd say go to the seaside. You can find a nice pub later on but take a train (so you can have a drink) and take a nice walk in the daytime along the beach. Look at the ocean or sea, throw some stones, but don't swim in it! not a good idea with jellyfish, pollution and so on.
Just tell her how you feel - who you are. Reveal the 'darkness' but make sure you can maintain some levity - some humour about it. You might laugh - or cry, but every man has the right to cry a few times in his life. So if you have to 'man up' to cry - only the seagulls will bear witness! And her of course.
Your a intelligent bright young man - you know life is too short sometimes. And for people like us - we cannot just fall in love and hide what we really are. Most men can enjoy falling in love - and lie about themselves. Your just frightened about BEING in love instead of enjoying that beautiful journey!
So tell her. In fact - with me - I'd likely be around there now - already - because at least if she turns around and says "I don't want you as a lover" then you won't be able to drown in the sea! I joke!
Seriously though - messed us as I might be sometimes - no way in the world could I hide this sh** from a beautiful woman. I'd tell them before I even walked them home and had a first kiss! It was not always like this but I'm older now - wiser, and when it comes to love you really do have to open up!
Here's an example why...
A young man I knew - a nephew of a family friend - recently died in a hospice. Cancer. He phoned all his mates up the night before he died! He was doing this for weeks which was amazing. Aged 18 his ticket was punched - his exit secured.
Anyway - when we all die - its not the people we slept with who matter - in fact - sexual attraction - that kind of connection does not matter. Its great - but it cannot 'save you'. Its a diversion for people like us. What is important to us is who loves us - your family, friends, people you trust 100%.
One more person you have to learn to love is you! For this to happen sometimes a man has to find someone who loves him. Each man is different in that regards but even if you love yourself regardless it helps to have a good woman - always!
So - I hope she is a good woman. If she is she will not turn away from you when you share the darkness. However, what you have to be careful about is becoming a 'burden' and sharing it all the time. Once is enough - I mean, you have to make her laugh and raise her spirits also.
And you know, its possible once you tell her that she will share what little darkness lurks in her. Everyone has a bit - we have a lot! So share - then be very nice to her! Just enjoy the journey - the destination will always arrive no matter what. Part of love is the journey before you fall in love - get married, or be like me and stretch things out a little!
We could hang out, look for mothers and daughters, take in some cool music - fight in a mosh pit and I know we'd bond as men! We don't need to share our darkness with each other - just have a good time to let a bit more light into the shrivelled darkened husks of our souls! This how men deal with their darkness. I mean, even if you get married you need to give her space. But for now - its all about getting close to see if things are cool between you.
Maybe we should have a suicide forum UK rave, meet each other, and we'd all feel so much better knowing that, yes indeed, there are people like us out there.
There would be no alone in the crowd feeling!
Anyhow - I like reading your stuff and you have such a cool name that sticks in the mind!
Last but not least - please remember that sometimes when you feel bad - woman can make it better or make it worse. Some men (many of my mates)always need a woman in their lives, no matter what! But for us - or for the way we might be right now - the danger is sharing your darkness with someone who will throw it back at you.
Depends how things go - but IF you choose to hide things, I guarantee that that darkness will reveal itself itself and she will feel like you are someone else!
You will hurt her - she will hurt you. When love goes wrong for people like us - we take it too personally. We judge ourselves all the time and we are the hanging judge - that archetypical nasty judge who just hangs everyone in case they might be guilty!
We ARE someone else mate - we differ, so try to establish that truism in your mind right here - and right now.
If you had ingrown toe-nails, you would tell her because they hurt you and might make you 'grumpy' so you'd think "I best tell her" in case she thinks I'm not too interested in her!
So here you are, wishing you were dead a lot of the time, in a lot of pain! you have an illness which is the worse in some ways.
Think about it - not telling her is quite funny really. You could pretend to be some deep and edgy poet - a dark poet, and wear a black polo neck and maybe turn a bit Goth! Hell, those Gothic woman are sure attractive as hell - and i know why - its like they are proud of their own darkness - embrace it - glorify it and have a good time also!! Sadly its an act. Most are happy and have their heads together.
I've talked my way out of it. It seemed so great whilst I was a Goth, but I cannot be!
Good luck brother - just go for it, life is too short to even ask yourself whether to be HONEST with a women who you are at the start of something with.
But if you just want an affair with her - NEVER say a thing about the darkness ever. Just play for time - and leave when she drops hints about a 'next level' or when she starts to know there is something you are hiding!!! You can do this kindly.
Stay away from intelligent women IF you just want affairs - because the smarter a woman is the sooner she knows you are hiding something.
Hiding your darkness is not dishonest. Sometimes its the kinder option as you can make some woman feel good about herself instead of throwing some kind of therapy session on her!
Hiding your darkness, for the main part of life, is sensible.
It is a private part of yourself that you should share sparingly.
Hope some of this helps.
And PS - you gotta learn guitar also - get educated - write a book and get artistic and creative also. Watch a little TV sometimes - like once a week or so its OK to zone out. Party, a lot! Maybe you need the right women for this - but me - the wrong one helps also sometimes. lol.
Working out is great. I look after myself also and each man develops his own system as regards keeping fit and muscle definition, stamina and so on. YOU know your own body - listen to it - treat it well because its the temple of your soul! It is the temporary shelter we exist in.
Lots more advice of course - but get out there and live a little. Win this women for yourself - then once you have a 'win' then you are a winner!
She might make you feel like a million dollars - you gotta find that out and won't feel that way until she knows your secret. Because you share something with her - your already living THAT lie!
This worries you - it niggles you - concerns you and makes you feel even more insecure. Deal with it now!
Good luck.
Regards.
Thanks for reading.