Fearless but afraid and unsure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by whynot, Mar 18, 2007.

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  1. whynot

    whynot Active Member

    This is my first post, Maybe I should introduce myself first but I don't really like drawing too much attention to myself. I've reached a point where I am fully unafraid of dying. I've wanted to die for so long and have come close so many times that I'm completely empty on the inside. My life is about in the worst state possible at the moment. I was hospitalized 5 years ago for severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts, at the time I was suffering horrible stomach aches and anxiety that drove me completely out of my mind. I was hospitalized twice because of my horrible stomach pains that no one believed to be a serious problem, became a homeless person until I was granted SSI by the state. I was accepted for SSI (non disability) and have lived in the worst poverty for the last five years completely alone and in horrible living conditions. I have no family, they've completely destroyed my life in favor of themselves. I have no friends anymore because the stigma of being a homeless lunatic on SSI doesn't really come across as something admirable to other people. I've had all my self worth stripped as I've been blanket diagnosed by poorly trained, poorly pain state appointed psychiatrists as "schizoeffective" "low functioning etc" so I think that others perceive me as being unhuman or mentally retarded.

    My life was taken away from me because I had no support network to go through when I was sick. My father would have rather had a life with his wife rather than to help me with my agony. He's a sociopath who married my mother to have residency status in the US because he had a deportation summons to leave the US because of felony charges. I have no mother or other family I could go to. My mother is not far removed from a prostitute anyways. I was stripped of everything because I was sick and my family didn't care. The horrible stomach aches which lead to me being irrational and feeling as though I was losing my mind turned out to be a diseased gall bladder which I had to research on my own and demand to have investigated and finally surgery which has greatly increased my quality of life. The medical community had destroyed my life as well. 5 years of agony sickness, humility, destitute poverty and being labeled insane because of a diseased gall bladder.

    When I read the things that others write on here I think they have it so easy compared to me. Being in relationships with people, attending college etc. My life is a total hell that I would not wish upon anyone. I laugh at you weakminded people for lashing out on such trivial things. The most rational choice I could make for myself would be suicide. I'm a product of two parents that didn't love each other, who didn't care for me, have had to endure the worst humility possible trying to cope with the sickness I had with my gallbladder, being labeled as mentally impaired that I needed to be placed on SSI and living in hellish poverty the last 6 years. My life is totally meaningless. I'm nothing but a hollow shell running on primal impulse that's been stripped of everything by my family and the medical community. The world does not care for me and I no longer care for myself. I really have no fears anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2007
  2. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    First off - Welcome to the forum. I'm sure you'll always find people here willing to listen to you.

    As for the rest...

    You've gone through a hell of a lot. Poverty is never fun - Trust me when I say I know. Your family is also very unsupportive, to say the least. As for the medical system...don't get me started on that. It's good that you've realized you have had virtually no control over your past.

    Now, I don't want to be cliche...but Churchill was right. When you're going through hell, keep going. Summon up the will from some hidden reserve. In all actuality, you probably don't want to die...You just want the pain to end. Death merely seems to be the easiest solution.

    As for being an empty shell - I disagree. You're very rich, rich in emotion and past. Your life is NOT meaningless. You're simply blinded by your pain.

    If you ever want to talk, drop me a PM. I'd love to chat with you!
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