Fears about Therapy

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by scaredy cat, Jan 10, 2009.

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  1. scaredy cat

    scaredy cat Guest

    I have the chance for some excellent therapy (DBT at the Priory), and that's an amazing chance and a huge opportunity. I know how huge this is.

    I have some fears though, some large, some not so large, and I just really need to write them out. Please don't think I'm ungrateful for this chance, I am just petrified, but I'm not going to throw this away.

    ~I'll start with a simple one. I'm scared of the mealtime. It's for 5 hours a day, each week, and I'm scared about the mealtime, specifically the first one because I obviously don't know what will happen. I struggle to eat in front of people, especially at the moment, and when I get anxious I also feel sick. The thought of the unknown mealtime makes me want to cry. I do have an assessment on Monday though, before any therapy is decided, and I will be asking her what happens, which might help.

    ~I am scared that this is my last shot. I have been told it will only be moderately useful, and I'm very scared about what happens if this does not help me enough. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to do everything in my power to make this work, but what if it doesn't? I was deemed too complex to help by my CMHT and have had no support at all for years (despite desperately needing it) and this could be my one and only shot at getting better. I did ask my GP what would happen if it didn't get me better enough and he said that the Priory would then look at what could help and what the next step would be. I am just so used to being let down that that sounds too good to be true.

    ~After being a regular self harmer for a long time I have made it nearly 8 months free. DBT focuses a lot on your self destructive tendencies, and in those 8 months I have done a lot of distancing from things like that, and I'm scared that it might make it a large focus on my life again and take me back down.

    ~Related to the point above, I am very much concerned that I will feel I have to start doing all these things again to mean I am 'good enough' or 'ill enough' to be on the course.

    ~I am worried that if the other patients discuss their harm that it will make me want to do it. I have never been outwardly competitive, but inwardly I have always challenged myself (or rather, a part of me has challenged another part of me), and I have done some pretty horrific things to myself (my GP calls me a chronic and extreme self harmer) and I don't want to get stuck in some sort of sick competitive mindset, just so that I can mentally say to myself 'I did X, better than she did' or whatever. That takes a lot to admit, and I would never compete with someone, or ever tell anyone what I was doing, but that was how I felt. I think maybe it justified how bad I was feeling? Although I also know deep down that the severity of what you do does not indicate the level of pain you feel internally.

    ~I have not had any sort of help or support (except sporadic GP appointments) ever, really, but my encounters with mental health professionals have always left me worse than before, for a lot of reasons. I don't mean in a 'it gets worse before it gets better' way, but for example, when I was sectioned I got no help after, yet two and a half years later I still suffer panic attacks about being sectioned, and I get flash backs too. The times I have begged for help they have refused, which made me worse in that I dissociated and harmed myself badly. One time I had an assessment with a psych and he didn't listen to what I said and twisted my words and asked good questions like 'how does it feel to know your life is going no where' and after that assessment it was the first ever time I saw visual hallucinations. I have come a long way by myself this year, infact, I'm a different person, and I'm petrified that going back into seeing people like this could make me worse and take me back light years.

    Sorry for venting all that, but everyone just tells me what a huge opportunity this is, and it is, I knwo that, but that doesn't prevent me feeling scared, if anything, it makes me more scared because of the hugeness of it all.

    If anyone read this far, thank you :)
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    Your fears do not sound stupid in the slightest and I am glad that you were able to write them out - i hope it helped to write them down and i also wonder whether it would be an idea to print off this post and take it to your appointment tomorrow?

    From your post I take it that your DBT therapy would take place as in inpatient? I did some Therapy Assistant work at the Priory and if it helps, my experience of meal times was very informal. I.e. there was a set time for meal times but people could go and get their food as and when they felt ready and sit where they wanted to sit etc. I guess all Priories would be different so it is definitely worth raising your concern in your assessment appointment tomorrow.

    It sounds like you have a lot of self awareness in to your thinking patterns and behaviour and that's a positive thing - the fact that you're aware of these fears and can spot potential triggers is good as that way you have already taken the first step in ensuring you don't go down the same road again. It may help to talk through these fears in your assessment appointment.. i'm guessing that you won't be alone in your fears.

    Keep talking here if it helps. I'm listening and wishing you all the best for tomorrow
    Jenny x
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