Fed up, feel empty and hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morgana, Jan 9, 2011.

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  1. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I keep faking happiness in front of other people, but all I can think about is how I really, really want to just give up and die. There is nothing anymore. I don't care. I feel like very few people would even miss me. For everyone else, it would be more like I inconvenienced them by dying. :huh: That's a great feeling, right? I'm just an inconvenience. A nuisance. Nothing.

    I have no one to talk to. Maybe for forever, but hopefully just for right now. But...there's nothing. There's no one. I want to just give up. I have wanted to be dead since I was 9. I'm almost 23. I still want to be dead. Surely that's a sign already?!

    I don't think my roommates would even notice. Unless I inconvenienced them in some way. But other than that? Several days could probably go by before someone finally realized that I haven't come out of my room in ages. I already do that sometimes. Only come out when no one else is home. I like being alone better than I like being around them. I really do.

    I keep watching the music video for "Miss Murder" and that question keeps running through my head: "Can I make beauty stay if I take my life?" I'm not beautiful. I'm a horrible person. I really don't deserve to be happy. Or live. I don't deserve to live, either.

    I'm sorry I'm so maudlin and whingy. I can't help it, I guess. Just...feeling very, very, very empty and...blank. I don't like it, but I can't stop it when I'm alone. Just when I'm around other people so I can paste a smile on and fake it.

    Also, for no reason at all, I like this smiley. :shelbi:
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    why do you think that you are a horrible person?
  3. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Because I do stupid things and hurt people. And I feel like I'm really, really selfish and self-absorbed. :(
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know it is hard to keep that mask on for others right. It drains you so much.
    I think you should be talking to someone a councillor a teacher your parents someone so you can get some help. Have you been assessed by a doctor to see if you have depression Talk to someone okay let them know how hard it is for you talking does help alot. Keep posting here too okay so others can give you support There is hope you just don't see it because of your depression it is there waiting to show itself but you need to reach out and get some help to get stable. hugs
  5. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Thank you, total eclipse. :hugtackles:

    I have been evaluated before. I kind of have a laundry list of what's wrong with me. Depression, social anxiety, subclinical OCD, EDNOS, PTSD, complex PTSD, DID/DDNOS...ay-yi-yi. :huh: I know it all combines to make me feel worse, but it's hard to remember a time when I actually HAVE felt worse than I do now.

    :sigh: Not good...not good at all...
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that if you were genuinely a bad person, you wouldn't care if you hurt people.

    the long laundry list of disorders suggests that you have been through some pretty heavy trauma. I don't think it would be fair to expect you to be unselfish under the circumstances, nor would it even necessarily be a good idea for you to be unselfish, if you have dire needs that should be attended to first.
  7. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Well...I guess that's a good point. I know lots of bad people who certainly didn't care that they hurt me... :later:

    Yes, I have...we have...but it just feels like we should be...not over it exactly, but...better than we are. Like we aren't trying. :huh: How I can not be trying, it's so important to try...or I'll be broken forever, and I don't want to be broken anymore. Just don't know if the pieces can be put back together.
  8. Pienp

    Pienp Active Member

    Don't kill yourself yet. The reasons you are feeling so down are simple; other people who are fuckfaces.

    Why do you think that you are such a horrible person? You are not, almost everyone in this planet are extremly selfish and self-absorbed. You have born on this Earth, with some other idiots, they call themselves human. The whole system that we live on will attempt to make you feel bad about yourself, because the system will always elevate and heighten those who have had success in life.

    You are not a bad person, the only one that thinks like that is yourself, in your own head, in your own mind.
  9. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i second this. well said.
    you must've been through a lot to get those diagnoses. has any form of therapy helped thus far? what has helped in the past?
  10. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Sorry. My wireless connection at school is virtually nonexistent on my laptop. It is extraordinarily awkward to be visiting Suicide Forum in the computer lab. :anony:

    Therapy hasn't helped. If anything, therapy has made it worst. Like the "expert in trauma" who wanted me to tell her all the details the first session and then told me that my ex abusing me was my fault. :dry: Who DOES that? Therapist before that ignored me when I told him that I involuntarily felt like different ages...and different people. Ignored my ED urges, too. It was ONLY when I mentioned that I felt a tiny bit suicidal that he got all hovery and over-protective. :dry: Pleeeeeeeease. Really? You don't give a fuck about me until there's a chance I'd kill myself? I hate when people don't get that there's a difference between "I have a plan and am about to die in two seconds" and "yeah I've thought about dying." HUGE difference. At least when I went to peer mentoring training, the counselor there said that yeah he asks about it, but he doesn't freak out. Maybe I should go to the counseling center. But I honestly think I'm too complex for them. :(

    Still feel very, very blank inside. Our bf called the police on me a couple of years ago--that's what worked then. :mellow: Don't want the police called on me again. And 'sides, he probably wouldn't care. :( :sigh: Ok he probably would, but we're kind of...rocky right now in a big big way. That is SO not helping.

    Everything I am depends on him. And that is so, so, so not healthy at all. NOT healthy for everything including any shred of mental stability to be dependent on one person.
  11. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    3/4 of therapy is having a good rapport with someone and trusting them. it certainly sounds like that guy was a hit and miss!

    how frustrating it is that people don't take eds seriously! i had one for 8 years and i have post ed amnesia but christ it was horrible...

    how does your therapist react when you do talk about suicidality?

    there's no harm in at least trying the counselling center. test out your assumption...i'm sure you aren't too complex, perhaps your feelings are on the other hand too overwhelming for you.
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with warrabinda.. Sometimes it takes a few therapists before you find one you can bond with.. It took me three before I found Gina..I saw her for five years.. She knows everything about me.. Try giving it a try again..Group therapy helps alot of people.. Myself I dropped out because there was a click there and if you weren't in it then you would be put on the spot..I had one girl tell me my thoughts were unacceptable because I don't have any friends in the real world..I have met a couple of people from here and we email each other frequently.. Don't give up.. There is help out there.. You just need to seek it out.. Take care!!
  13. There Is Always Hope

    You don’t have to feel quality and shameful about anything my friend. No mistake is too great to recover from, if your experiencing hardship in your life don’t let it swallow you up. Fight it with every ounce of strength you have, yes you feel weak and maybe think you have no fight left but if you search just a little deeper within yourself, you will find the strength you need to conquer any problem.

    No matter what you’ve done in life, if you truly want to change or even if you truly have changed, you don’t need to feel guilty about anything. Even if it feels like everyone around you hates you and wants to take you down, judging you with things they know nothing about, don’t worry because all that matters is your own perception of who you really are. You know you’re a good person don’t you, and if you feel like your not it is probably because you have just done something terrible or the people around you beat you down and try to keep you in a state of mind that makes you think your worthless. But you can change no matter what you have done, and it’s the changing part that makes you a better person.

    Your worth much more than gold, you’re a human being with a beating heart with the potential to totally and utterly revolutionise your sphere of influence on people. Show them that you’re not weak, even if you feel like you can’t fight on, make the conscious decision to fight on because you’re stronger than your situation.

    Believe me I have authority to say this and know exactly what I am talking about. My whole world fell apart about 10 years ago, to be honest my whole world fell apart when I started taking drugs at around 11 years old. People all around me just kept chucking problems in my way trying to make my life unliveable, I believe they wanted me to commit suicide and still do. For 10 years or longer people have been trying to destroy my life. I could of easily throwing in the towel and it would not be uncalled for, but I didn’t. My life looked like one big dead end and seemed at best it was just going to be pain and rejection forever. I got to a point you may be at now, where it seemed like suicide was not only optional but appealing. I became suicidal just like you and I dealt with it in my own head, contemplating if this was the way to end my pain.

    Yes I had a loving family, which you maybe don’t and I am so sorry if you don’t but that does not mean you can’t fight this. I did not share my problems with my family, I dealt with them on my own. It probably would be much better to involve someone in your problems, but don’t feel like you have to and that if you don’t all is lost. I don’t have one single friend in this life which is my own fault, So if your in the same boat know that you don’t need friends to overcome this situation. You can deal with this; you have everything you need inside of you. Dig deeper for that inner strength that will get you through this, we all have it. Its are survival instinct.

    My problems aren’t going away in fact they just keep getting worse and it seems like everyday everyone hates me just a little bit more. But I decided not to commit suicide, I decided to confront the issues head on and fight back with every bit of mental and psychical strength I had. And now even though my problems are a lot worse than what they where then, I breeze through them because I know who I am now and my past is exactly that; my past.

    If you have done something that you feel great shame about or even if people are trying to make you feel really bad for something you did not do, and this is going on right now and is pretty fresh in your life. Don’t let it beat you, if you know in your heart that you don’t want to be the person you are or the person you were; then hold your head high because you’re bigger than your situation, and you have everything you need to fight this within you.

    If you’re dealing with severe loneliness then maybe you should try and reach out to a good church. Yes there are many fakers in the church but there is some really loving wonderful helpful people as well. There not only there to help but they really want to help you, they don’t want to see you die. You could start a whole new life for yourself; this does not have to be the end in fact this could be the turning point in your life with everything changed for the better.

    Life will always have problems but if you fight them and don’t give in, soon you will get to a point where problems just don’t seem all that big to you even though they seem massive to others. You know why because you have been at your lowest point in life where you actually wanted to kill yourself and you overcame it. You fought it with ever ounce of energy, even when you felt so weak. If you can overcome this point in life now, you will continually build strength no matter what life throws at you.

    You can win over this situation no matter if the whole world is coming down on you, you have the fight inside you. If you choose to fight this I will be honest you will have good days and bad days. Days that feel like your getting through things and days that feel like your being pulled back into your darkness, but this is just how it feels like to fight a severe trauma in your life, one big enough to want to kill yourself, keep fighting it gets better believe me I have been there. Soon those days that feel like you’re being pulled back will get less painful and you will be on your way towards conquering your situation.

    Don’t give up, pick yourself up again and fight with everything you’ve got. No mistake is too shameful or big to never be a person again. The fact that you can overcome something so big actually makes you an extraordinarily unique person that’s stronger than most around you, especially those who are trying to ruin your life.

    Remember this; that your not alone there’s people like me and you all over the world who are willing to accept your short falls and forgive you for every wrong you have ever committed or have not committed. I have done things that to me seem so big that they nearly took me under, I felt like I did not deserve forgiveness and deserved everything I got. But I now know that I deserve forgiveness and don’t deserve the abuse that people believe they have the right to dish out as they see fit. I say this because I don’t know what you have done or even if you have done anything, but if you want to change and are trying to change, you deserve forgiveness and I forgive you because we all make mistakes.

    Yours Sincerely
    From Someone Who Wants To Reach Out A Hand And Pull You Out Of The Muck Not Kick It At You.

    It does not matter how people justify there actions when hurting someone, mostly there just excuses to make them feel better about hurting you. Anyone who falls no matter how far and try’s to change there life for good; deserve not only forgiveness but the right to live a life free from persecution!

    Here is a little excerpt from one of the rocky films Rocky says it best:
    “The world aint all sunshine and rainbows, it’s a very mean; and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are; it will beat you to your knees, and keep you there permantly if you let it. You, Me or nobody; is gonna hit as hard as life. But it aint about how hard you hit, its about how hard you CAN hit, and keep moving forward, how much can you take, and keep moving forward. THAT’S HOW WINNING IS DONE! Now if you know what your worth then go out and get what your worth. But you got to be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers and say; your aint were you wanta be because of him; or her; or anybody. Cowards do that and that aint you. Your BETTER THAN THAT!

    I will post this on various sites because it took a long time to get the right words from my heart onto paper. If I attempted this from scratch for every post I would not get the right emotion.

  14. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    warrabinda--yeah, that guy was definitely a hit and miss! He told me almost all year that the details didn't matter, just the emotions...and then wanted to know all the details. :huh: Sent me into super-tweaked mode and had to cancel that appointment.

    Yeah--his reasoning why it wasn't important was that "your thoughts haven't translated into behaviors yet." [More appropriately "again," not "yet."] So it was like....O...kayyyyy...So you WANT me to exhibit ED behavior before you care? What the eff?

    :nerves: I don't have a therapist anymore. But when I did, the last time I talked about it, I felt like I had to minimize it or he would have locked me up. :huh: I didn't need to be locked up. I wasn't a danger to myself, I just felt bad. He was even telling me [as this was right before a break] how I could call him during break if I needed to and stuff and all I could think was...yeaaaaaaah no way in hell.

    I don't know. I just....yeah, I don't know. I'm having a really hard time lately believing that there's really any REASON I'm still alive. o_O Like...why? What's the point? I'm not that special. My family's not supportive at all, btw. They're actually very abusive. :blub: Well--not so much now, but my childhood was a living hell. :nerves:

    Just...feel really pathetic.

    Sorry I would write more, but I have to go to class in a couple minutes and I have NO idea where the room is at all...eep.
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that things are so bad, wish I could help!

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    :console: :console:
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