Fed up of acting happy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hayley1909, Apr 7, 2013.

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  1. hayley1909

    hayley1909 New Member

    I'm a 19 year old woman. I have a boyfriend and live with my mum, dad sister and grandad. I've been suffering with depression for much longer than I realised. I didn't come to terms with it for about a year, and it was only a few months ago I realised that I did have depression. I'm fed up of putting a smile on my face. I hate almost every part of my life. I love my boyfriend and family and friends, but I have my problems like we all do. I'm at college with 2 months left and the stress for this final project is pushing me over the edge. I hate college, and I've lost ll direction in life.
    I hope it's alright to talk about this and not blabber on too much, it's just so good to let it out.
    I'm surrounded by people, although I feel alone. I wonder how many ACTUALLY care? No ones their when I need them, no one is willing to sit and listen to me. I'm surrounded by selfish people and I can't take it anymore. I'm fed up of being the girl everyone comes to with their problems, and I sit and listen. But when the time comes for me to need someone, I don't even get so much as a "how're you Hayley"
    The want to kill myself comes and go's, it's often at its worse at night. When I'm laid in bed thinking about everything in my life that is making me low. I know if I found someone to talk to a lot of this upset and hurt would go, but it's not as easy as that. I constantly put a front on. Everyone in my town knows me as a bubbly, happy and funny girl. I know a lot of people who I call 'friends' but they're all just numb to me. In the reality of my own company I'm a sad pathetic excuse of a person who is wallowing in self pity and hatred. I don't know what to do, I hate feeling as though death is my only was out of this shit that has piled up around me, but that is how I feel. And I think me imagining opening the medicine cupboard at night and overdosing, and the point where I'm actually going to get out of bed and do it, is becoming scarily close. It will happen soon if I don't sort my head out with some form of advice or opinion. I just need someone to sit and listen to me, when I'm ready to talk. I need direction and help please.
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Have you tried talking to friends or a doctor? Failing that someone like the Samaritans. I'm really sorry you feel that way and I want you to know help is possible. Just be gentle on yourself please
     
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