Fed up of the pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chris_R, Jun 2, 2007.

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  1. Chris_R

    Chris_R New Member

    Right here goes, I've got a complete lack of a will to live. I'm unhappy with every aspect of my life. I'm 24, and although in a decent job, it's one I hate. Six weeks ago I split with my girlfriend of 14 months. She meant the world to me but we split after not getting on for four or five months. Deep down I know she probably wasn't right for me, but she filled a massive hole in my life which was there after my mum was killed as a pedestrian in a road traffic collision four and a half years ago. Me losing my girlfriend has sent me into a nervous breakdown mainly because of the issues that were there before but were buried deep down. I'm off work and can't help but look at life with a negative attitude these days.

    I'm currently undergoing counselling therapy but have no real friends (a shared group but none specifically close) or trusted family members to hear what I have to say without me feeling like an idiot. Being a lad you can never really open up fully to another male friend, my dad's very closed off emotionally and my brothers and sisters (3 total) aren't approachable in the same way either.

    The way I feel now, is that I really don't care if I live or die. I've always been a very unselfish person and it frustrates me that I can't even die because it will put someone else out. I often curse the fact I have family because I feel trapped and condemned to years of unhappiness. The lid was well and truly blown off when my relationship ended.

    My attitude has been changing these past few weeks though. I've gone from thinking 'cowards way out' to thinking 'maybe it's not cowardly but I could never hurt my family' to 'maybe my family would be better off without me' and then more recently 'what could I do to help my family if i go'?

    By this I mean preparing them for the worst. I've looked into life insurance policies, when they pay out and when they don't. I've speculated on how I can go in such a way as or it to be believed accidental. I know there are clauses concerning suicide, but it's beginning to worry me a bit that I'm taking such an active interest in the idea of taking my own life. I was prescribed Fluoxetine but had it for three days before deciding 'not for me' and stopping. I want to get through this but don't know if I can.

    My younger brother is the ONLY thing I'm living for. He has learning difficulties and we are very close. He may never work and may always find life to be a struggle. But I think if I could secure his financial future maybe it'd be worth me just going. I'm clever enough and knowledgable enough to end my life with relatively limited pain and fuss. I'm not scared of my own death, simply the effect it will have on others.

    If someone placed a Million pounds on the table infront of me, promised it to him and said 'do it', I'd kill myself right now. How messed up am I!
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    :welcome: to the forum chris, and we are really glad that you opened up to us. we know this isn't always an easy thing to do. i'm sorry to hear about your recent break up. they are most always difficult but thankfully usually just for a little while.

    i would really like to encourage you to open up to the professionals that are involved in your treatment. they may have other avenues you could try to help things get better. as far as trying the med for three days that is anything but sufficient time to allow for a medication to work. most take anywhere from two to six weeks. i would like to encourage you to try it again and give it a chance.

    we all know how difficult life is, but it's also up to us to try to make it better. we can't rely on others for this.

    i hope things begin to improve for you chris i really really do. if u ever need to chat feel free to pm me. i'll get back to ya asap. take care
  3. Chris_R

    Chris_R New Member

    I have a therapist who knows I'm apathetic towards life, but she can't know I'm seriously wishing death upon myself. I'm not at the stage of ending things but it scares me that I already know so much about how to do it successfully. What's worse is that I'm persistently feeling this way and they're not occasional, overly emotional spur of the moment ideas. I'm often thinking these things with a clear head. Rational thinking if you like.

    I have a job in which I can't be 'unstable' or I'll lose it, even though I don't enjoy it. She'd probably have an obligation to step in and I'd be totally unable to pursue a successful career should I have a blot against my record. I really do wish I'd gone into therapy without giving my real details to the therapist. By fully opening up I'd jeopardise any future prospects should I get back on my feet.
  4. cassandra

    cassandra Anitiquities Friend

    I'm sorry that you feel this badly and you're not able to open up to your therapist. Is there a way to get therapy that is completely confidential?

    I hope things get better for you.
  5. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm not sure the career you have chosen but i there is a lady i know who is a nurse and is in therapy on meds and all. she however, has never been hospitalized.

    what is said in therapy stays in therapy. it is all confidential unless u have immediate plans of taking your life. then someone else must step in of course. i just encourage you to continue to utilize going into therapy and make the most of it. all is not lost. hang in there.

    please take care
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sounds as if you have been through a lot of trials in your young life. I am glad your girlfriend was there to help you through the death of your mother. You needed support at that time. When you have been in a relationship as long as you have, when it breaks up the grief is much like that of death. In a sense it is. It is the death of a relationship, of life as you know it. Significant changes happen and thos ecan be very difficult. You need time to grieve the relationship just like you needed time for your mom. This could lead to some of the thoughts you are now having. If therapy is going to work for you, you must be honest with you therapist. If you are unsure of their confidentiality, speak to them about it. What you say in your sessions should remain there with the exception of a few things. The ones they are bound by law to divulge. Suicidal thoughts are not in that area of the law. You would be amazed at the number of people that have had those thoughts. As long as they remain thoughts and go no further, it should be confidential. I am here to talk should you decide you need someone to listen. Drop me a PM and I will get back with you as soon as I can. Please take care. I hope you are able to get back on solid ground soon. :hug:
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