Right here goes, I've got a complete lack of a will to live. I'm unhappy with every aspect of my life. I'm 24, and although in a decent job, it's one I hate. Six weeks ago I split with my girlfriend of 14 months. She meant the world to me but we split after not getting on for four or five months. Deep down I know she probably wasn't right for me, but she filled a massive hole in my life which was there after my mum was killed as a pedestrian in a road traffic collision four and a half years ago. Me losing my girlfriend has sent me into a nervous breakdown mainly because of the issues that were there before but were buried deep down. I'm off work and can't help but look at life with a negative attitude these days. I'm currently undergoing counselling therapy but have no real friends (a shared group but none specifically close) or trusted family members to hear what I have to say without me feeling like an idiot. Being a lad you can never really open up fully to another male friend, my dad's very closed off emotionally and my brothers and sisters (3 total) aren't approachable in the same way either. The way I feel now, is that I really don't care if I live or die. I've always been a very unselfish person and it frustrates me that I can't even die because it will put someone else out. I often curse the fact I have family because I feel trapped and condemned to years of unhappiness. The lid was well and truly blown off when my relationship ended. My attitude has been changing these past few weeks though. I've gone from thinking 'cowards way out' to thinking 'maybe it's not cowardly but I could never hurt my family' to 'maybe my family would be better off without me' and then more recently 'what could I do to help my family if i go'? By this I mean preparing them for the worst. I've looked into life insurance policies, when they pay out and when they don't. I've speculated on how I can go in such a way as or it to be believed accidental. I know there are clauses concerning suicide, but it's beginning to worry me a bit that I'm taking such an active interest in the idea of taking my own life. I was prescribed Fluoxetine but had it for three days before deciding 'not for me' and stopping. I want to get through this but don't know if I can. My younger brother is the ONLY thing I'm living for. He has learning difficulties and we are very close. He may never work and may always find life to be a struggle. But I think if I could secure his financial future maybe it'd be worth me just going. I'm clever enough and knowledgable enough to end my life with relatively limited pain and fuss. I'm not scared of my own death, simply the effect it will have on others. If someone placed a Million pounds on the table infront of me, promised it to him and said 'do it', I'd kill myself right now. How messed up am I!