Fed up with my life

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sadhart, Oct 5, 2015.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I don't even know where to start and I really don't have the energy to go into details but I am sick of all the bullshit that seems to happen every week. I'm sick of hurting and aside from feeling like picking up a drink after 18 months, I really don't want to deal with life all that much either. Sorry for rambling.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry things are not good right now. ((hug)) I know the sense of BS happening and happening...You can post here and talk anytime. You're not rambling. I hope things pick up for you.
     
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

     
  4. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I get up almost every day feeling a sense of hopelessness. and resentment. It' like I just get up for the purpose of feeling the same hurt and pain and waiting for more to come along to add to it. I feel like things such as love and closure form my past are impossible to have and if that's the case, then what is the point of going on?
     
  5. storm

    storm Well-Known Member

    I know how that goes... Life just keeps throwing bullshit at the people that can't handle anymore of it. I'm here for you, please don't give up :)
     
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You've said some very profound stuff here. Love and closure from the past...it is true that we can't necessarily get those. They are in the past...However, we can make efforts to improve what we have in the present and what he hope to find/make for our future.

    It is difficult to let go of things that have hurt us in the past, especially difficult if we feel the people involved never acknowledged or addressed the hurt they caused.

    The thing is that holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking a glass of poison and expecting the other person to get sick from it. Especially when the person (people) won't change or acknowledge things and the situation cannot be redone. (Someone else on the site used that "drinking a glass of poison" idea not long ago -I thought it made a lot of good sense, so borrowed it.)

    How about making something aromatic and healthful to drink instead? Start anew, knowing the past is the past and can't be changed. Empty out your anger and sadness about it here, where people will listen. Talk to us about how you would like to see life go better.

    Just as a way to start moving away from the past...?
     
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Sadhart, I am sorry that you are hurting and sick, I do know some of what you feel, You don't have to go into details, I, like you don't want to deal with life, I have cut myself off from my family, i have shut myself off to everyone I knew, My only contact with others is here, so I have an Idea somewhat of what you are going through. I believe that you have been helpful to others as well so you have been where I am now! I would like to ask if when you feel better, if you would perhaps talk with me. I feel I should say to, i don't believe that you ramble anywhere close to how much I do! You said what you felt and what you mean clearly and with fewer words then me. I am here if you ever want to talk! Thanks for listening to me!
     
  8. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I know hanging on to hurt and anger and resentment is not good, but it's hard to let go of things no less. for example I am often reminded of a past rejection that six years later still hurts. It is something that at this point, I'm not sure will ever stop hurting. I don't know why that rejection has been so hard to find closure from.

    Then there is crap like times I was bullied. One asshole in particular was so ass backwards and passive aggressive in his bullying (if you can even call it that) that I often want to find him online just to ask exactly what the hell was his problem. I never did anything to him and for his shit talk ( most of which was under his breath or behind my back) it just didn't make any sense. Even though he never did lay a finger on me (scum bag piece of shit coward) his bullshit words still bother me. And he was just one of many others that still affect me.

    As for my life and wanting to see it better....I don't know. I want love to happen more than anything but I don't think that's possible. Aside form that rejection that's hard to move past, I struggle with socializing and when I do try ( like going on dating sites) I don't really get any results. I’m not good enough.

    Right now, I keep asking myself what my 18 months of sobriety means to me. It's something i never though i could achieve, but alcohol numbed the emotional pain and sometimes I kind of miss that even though I know it will do much worse in the end.

    I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just frustrated with life.
     
  9. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you for reaching out True lee. I'm sorry that you're hurting too. Yes, I would like to talk sometime as well.
     
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Congratulations on the sobriety! That is a major achievement. :)

    Yes, some rejections seem to imprint more deeply and for longer. It can be hard to let go of things. Hurt and resentment don't just go away overnight. When we invest a lot of ourselves in someone/something, it hurts if it doesn't work out. I think we need to let so we have uncluttered space for someone/something else to come along.


    I'm sorry you were bullied. Bullies pick on someone who makes them feel insecure or threatened in some way. The target usually asks "why me? what did I do?" and the truth is the target has done NOTHING to deserve it. While the target tries to understand the bully, the bully simply wants what s/he wants and does what s/he wants to get it. That can be hard to wrap our minds around if we are nice people.

    Well, yes, most of us want to find love...It's out there. I believe there are enough people in the world that the chances are high for most to meet several people they could have a relationship with. It's just having faith that it can happen that can be hard. Statistically, there is good reason to believe it will. (hug) Dating sites are a little nasty in my somewhat limited experience. I didn't enjoy them. I don't think it's about your being "good enough" or "not good enough". More likely it's about others' being superficial and a dating site doesn't create a authentic enough environment for the type of person you are. You seem to have real substance, not just surface. :) And if you're worried about socializing, you're doing just fine here. :)

    So, who's been rambling now? Me. I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon. Keep talking. It can help. My PM box is open anytime. :)
     
  11. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    The thing about the bullying is learning how to forgive, which is something that is hard for me to do. I can't forgive myself much less people who have hurt or I feel wronged me in some way or another. The same with the rejection....I don't know how to let it go. Sorry to say it like that.

    And as far as love goes....I don't know why I continue to hope for something that doesn't seem possible to happen in my life. It's painfully frustrating at this point in my life.

    And I don't think that you were rambling....i appreciate everything that you said.
     
  12. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Sadhart, I was bullied for a while in school, i understand how you feel, I did not understand it when it started happening, It was a new experience for me, I never had any issues up until that point,it changed me some but I did find out that when you have a hard time forgiving someone, it festers inside, I had one bully send me a message several years ago to one of the High School sites, he saw my name there and decided to say hi, it took me a little while but I did contact him I sent him my phone number and we talked. it was like I imagined it all, he said how he knew i would make it, he told me how he and several of his friends had talked about me recently and say they always knew that i would do well, I was living on a farm and we had gone to agricultural school together he never got where he wanted to go but he saw that I had. he was like a different person he was not a bully, apparently he had changed and forgotten that he had bullied me! I didn't say anything about what I remembered him doing, I forgave him, I still have not forgotten but I forgave him, I do not for one minute believe that he forgot it, when you hurt or harm someone or do them Wrong, you would never forget that, He will always have that guilt, he will never know that i have forgiven him but i do, I have no hard spot inside me towards him. I do not know what was done to you, I really do not want to know, you were then and you still are a victim, I feel when you forgive, you are no longer his or their victim, I would never ask anyone to forget it, I will never ask you to forgive him or them, that is up to you, it is not my pain, I have cleared myself of what was done to me and I have moved on! I hope that some day you will no longer be a victim! I hope Sadhart that you understand the reason I share this with you, I would like to see you begin to feel better about yourself. I believe that until you release that anger, it will stay inside of you, You will have to discover what else happens, I can tell you but I don't think that you would believe it, you have to see it for yourself! Please Be Gentle on Yourself, you can be free from that pain, at least some of it! I would not Lie to you about that! I hope we talk some more!
     
  13. Zname

    Zname Member

    sadhart i was bullied pretty bad in high school i was from a different culture, i wasnt witty enough to respond when I was taunted, i forgot the majority of classmates but never the 2 kids that bullied me throughout 11 grade. its now an old wound, its part of who i am, time is a wonderful healer but is heavy to carry

    I hope the people here can help you through these times
     
  14. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member


    I know that you said that you really did not want to know what was done to me, but all I can say is that lot of it was verbal rather than physical. People who would always talk about what they wanted to do to me. I think what pissed me off was how ass backwards it all was.

    In my journey through recovery, I am doing the Twelve steps of AA and right now I'm on the fourth one which is about doing a moral inventory of your life. You have to list things like people and places and things that you resent. More so, you have to write down your part in those thing that you resent. That's hard because I dont' always see my part in getting picked on. There would be times that I was just sitting at my desk, not bothering anyone and someone would say or do something like throw a wad of paper at me. Anyway, I hate doing the fourth step as it's just rehashing these old wounds more than usual. didn't really think too much about this stuff during the eyars that I was drinking but now it's on my mind (and heart) a lot. (Sorry for the melodrama)

    And I'm trying to play or be a victim. But I cannot hold it in that this stuff still hurts after all this time. Sorry if I sound ungrateful to what all you said.
     
  15. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member


    I know that you said that you really did not want to know what was done to me, but all I can say is that lot of it was verbal rather than physical. People who would always talk about what they wanted to do to me. I think what pissed me off was how ass backwards it all was.

    In my journey through recovery, I am doing the Twelve steps of AA and right now I'm on the fourth one which is about doing a moral inventory of your life. You have to list things like people and places and things that you resent. More so, you have to write down your part in those thing that you resent. That's hard because I dont' always see my part in getting picked on. There would be times that I was just sitting at my desk, not bothering anyone and someone would say or do something like throw a wad of paper at me. Anyway, I hate doing the fourth step as it's just rehashing these old wounds more than usual. didn't really think too much about this stuff during the eyars that I was drinking but now it's on my mind (and heart) a lot. (Sorry for the melodrama)

    And I'm trying to play or be a victim. But I cannot hold it in that this stuff still hurts after all this time. Sorry if I sound ungrateful to what all you said.
    Sorry you were bullied in school. I'm glad you have found some closure form it though.
     
  16. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Sadhart, I do not think that you are ungrateful at all, I do not write anything here to have people grateful to me, not at all i do not expect everyone to take everything i say and use it, If even one person out of a thousand reads what I have to say and it has an impact on their life that is positive then to me every thing I have written in here will be worth it to me! I will consider my life worthwhile.
    it's funny that you mentioned #4 Step, I do not ask people to bring up what was done to them, it is not that i don't care or I do not need to know what it is or what was said, it is for that very reason that you mentioned I don't want you to have to bring up the reason that bothered you so much! I do not like to open those old wounds. I disagree, it should not have to be said over and over again!, I know it hurts me, it brings that flood of feeling that I dislike so much! SadHart, if you see something that I write and you like it, It is yours to use! That is why I say some of the things that I do!
     
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