fed up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SweetSurrender, Aug 30, 2009.

  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I am seriously so fed up of this. I'm so fed up of being me. The worst part about all of this is that to get better i have to take responsibility for myself, but that is so damn hard to do! And i don't even think it is worth it! I hate the depression and anger (okay sometimes i love the anger but whatever), but i look at other people around me and even those that are supposed to be okay aren't really. Life isn't about sunshine and happiness, it is basically about getting through. Everything looks so damn ugly i hate to look at it. I don't care about anything anymore....except why the heck am i putting myself through this? In most situations i take control, but i can't take control of my life. I can't just forget all this and be normal. I'm so fed up of it all. What is the point in sleeping because it only brings about another crappy day? What is the point in waking up when it only means more to endure? You know what i really hate, i hate these words. I hate reading these words. I hate seeing so many people in pain, not particually because i feel anything towards them, but i'm sick of seeing so many people enduring for the sake of it. I'm not advocating suicide, just the pathetic-ness of this life. I hate my pathetic words, i'd really rather not say them. I'd really rather not say anything at all. But unfortunately i'm stuck being human and part of that is having the ability to whine. I don't think i have a mental illness. I doubt highly this is depression. I think this is pure realisation that the world is complete sh*t and life ain't worth it. Urg i hate it when people say that, i want to yell at them to get over themselves, and yet here i am saying it. I am an embarrassment.
     
  2. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    It IS really hard to take responsibility for yourself. I'm trying so hard, and its almost impossible.. because I'm so tired of everything that I just don't even want to. I feel like I've come to a realization that life and everything in it is pointless, so I can't enjoy it because I realize there's no meaning behind it.

    I just want to quit because I'm fed up too, it doesn't seem worth it to keep wrestling with my pain, I hate waking up every day.

    And gosh I feel pathetic every time I type or write or talk about this stuff, I think that's my favorite word to describe myself.

    I understand at least somewhat how you're feeling. Idk though, I think that in addition to your realization (which I happen to agree with as much as I hate to say it) there could be some mental illness contributing to it, or maybe you've been dealt some shitty cards in life that have left you so angry, and both contribute to worsening your experience of life. I think that maybe despite life's purposelessness there's a small chance that if we work through these things (life troubles/mental illness) with therapy and medication, we'll learn to enjoy life more... I guess that's a thought that keeps me going.
     
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are very much on the same page Elvinchild. If you can see the irony of me saying this - i feel for you. I'm really tired too, i don't care enough to try really. I wish there was a stronger word than pathetic, but maybe it fits that it is such a weak word. I dunno. I have been through all the rubbish of drs yrs ago when i wanted to try and make all this okay again. What is it now 3 GPs, 3 psychiatrists, 1 counsellor and currently a therapist. I've been on 4 sets of anti-depressants but not on anything anymore because my last pdr didn't see the point in it, he just told me with a few yrs of therapy i'd be okay. A few years! Urg, why bother? And now i have nowhere to turn, especially as therpist is on holiday for 3wks. I hate drs anyway, they're a load of crap. But sometimes i wish that someone could help me get somewhere and not leave it all up to me to do, because i just can't find it within me. whatever. will just try and get through this afternoon then try for the evening. the thing that keeps me going is that other people don't think how i think, they don't say that everyday is a living nightmare, so on a logical level that leads me to believe it is possible to feel okay. my wondering is at what point do i draw the line as to it not ever happening for me? i mean i'm 24 now, i've been through drs and rubbish for 7yrs and before that point i have no memories. So at what point will i wake up and have that 'happy' life or decide it is a curse i'll always live with and give up? i dunno, not decided that yet.