I am so fed up of being like this. I don't know when the next episode will be coming from. I am so tired of fighting it. I am pretty stable at the moment. In that I am not overly low and I am not hyper. In this more stable state I can see things more clearly and it has made me realise that I don't want to live. I can't see any way out of this. I have been in therapy with Sam a while now and doesn't seem to get me anywhere. If anything it makes me worse as I think I make mountains out of molehills and turn things in to issues that weren't issues before. Like the thing that happened when I was 15. I have never really thought about it that much but talking about it in therapy made it in to this big elephant. So, I have decided I am going to do it. I will wait until the end of July but I will do it then. The reason then is because I will be on my own. I will have plenty of time to plan a method. Which wont be overdosing, I can't take pills. I took 8 paracetamol this morning, the ones with codeine in just to get a decent dose of codeine and I have felt really sick all day. I didn't take it as an overdose or as a self harm but to get some decent pain relief. It has left me feeling really sick all day so I know that is not one I will be trying. I can't face the being sick side of it. I panick when I am being sick and if I did OD then I would end up getting help. But anyway. I have made up my mind about this. I am not sure how I will approach it but i have a few weeks to think about it yet anyway.