Feeding the lie

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Craig, Jun 17, 2011.

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  1. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    I feel like a lier here. I havent lied about anything but I have done everything I can to help others and that in itself feels like a lie. I am two faced. Theres a part of me that loves helping people and another part that loves hurting them. That loves killing them and destroying everything they are. I am not a good person and It gives me a fucked up feeling every time I have someone tell me how great it is what I am doing for others here. It echos through me that theres another side I am just not embracing at the molment.
    My feelings for myself blind me. When I am so pissed I cant touch others I blame myself. Recently went through that and I am having a hard time moving past it. I can name 5 people I let down becuse I was blinded by my own drama. I watched it happen. I sat back and instead of cntrolling the situation I let others take the wrong approach and push them away. Maybe they didnt kill themselves but it closed the door to this comunity. I have gotten to a point that I can accept that I cant help everyone but I will never accept that kind of behaviour in myself.
    Im waking on glass every day here. I have 3 points on the forums and on chat which means 1 mistake means I will loose this comunity for a period of time. They will never expire.. I will have to deal with this for as long as I am with this community. There is no working it off or having it expire in a year. I can always pull some snake shit and come back and I have tested the script to make myself a mod but it dosnt change who I am and what I am in this community. I dont know if I can handle people depending on me and I dont know if I can push through this to my goal.
    Some of you know what that is and I am terrified that it will become public knoledge and I will be kicked out for it. I am afraid in too many ways and that in itself is bothering me. How can I have balls to dodge bullets and not words? I just dont know any more...
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Craig - in some ways we are all two faced. With depression its like you have to be that way - I mean sharing knowledge of my own situation with others - might not always be for the best. I'm two faced, because I'm saying 'Feel great' when I don't. However, it works two ways and it cheers us up when others maybe bring some levity to the situation.

    Also, I used to be someone who would enjoy manipulating things. Violence attracted me in some ways - though not bullying or hitting women. I was hurtful towards people who loved me - reckless and bloody minded sometimes.

    People can change. I'm a different man to who I was aged 21. In some ways I'm still the same in positive ways but I've matured and no longer feel awkward or out of place or lost for words!

    As for dodging bullets - that is easy because all life's problems are condensed into avoiding that piece of metal heading your way. Soldiers know that all this talk of heroes is laughable. If truth be told we'd be handing medals to some of the Afghanis whose cunning military strategies have enabled sandal wearing, motorbike riding, AK47 carrying men to match the worlds best and finest military.

    The pen is mightier than the sword - and words, thrown about with reckless abandon and no consideration to others, are like shrapnel - they can cut us deeply, wound us and leave scars also. Words can ruin nations, bring down governments, topple kings and lead to the deaths of millions. Words lead to everything else that is possible. Any power we create is used if and when words are spoken to unleash it.

    For most us are words have no great impact perhaps - but even with us ordinary folk - what we say to people can make or break them.

    Good luck and hope you can be of good cheer as the summer progresses.
  3. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi Craig,

    Please focus on your face of loving helping people - that’s your real face, which is out of your true nature - your heart. The other face is out of the conditioned mind. Maybe one can say that most so called normal people are also two faced as the mind is conditioned/confused in one way or another after such a long human history, culture, etc…

    You are aware of what’s going on inside you. Most people may not even be aware. So you are ahead in a way. Just do what you can. Do not dwell on the past. Be gentle to yourself as well. Do not let the mind get in the way. Let your heart lead you…

    With loving wishes
  4. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello Craig,

    I can assure you that i am not seeing you as a liar, you seem to be fine and i think you have qualities hiding within yourself - i'll help you find these.

    You want to help others, this is very positive - at the same time you want to hurt people - by this i understand that someone has hurt you in the past - would you want to share anything about this experience?

    Of course you are a good person, and you seem to be to have quite a nice character, its just something bad happened in your life that you feel sad and angry about - i'll help you with this.

    We may all let down people at times, the important thing is that whatever we do we always have the opportunity to explain to this person why we let them down and why we did something. You are feeling guilty from what i understand, you couldn't help due to your own personal reasons and due to your own personal problems - this is fully understandable in my eyes.

    Of course you can't help everyone, i can't help everyone but i always try my best to help as many people as possible and this makes me happy.

    What did you get the 3 points for on the forums/chat? We'll work on this and everything will be fine.
  5. oxygenidia

    oxygenidia Well-Known Member

    That's not because you are a bad person, that's human.
    I haven't killed anyone, but I relate to wanting to destroy and hurt people and push them away. Doesn't have to be someone who has done something towards me either, just people in general. Yet feeling like I care deeply for certain people that I've never even met.

    I don't know if that "hate" or "anger" or what you want to call it ever goes away. Mayby you need to find some way that you can let all that out without really hurting anyone?
    I don't believe that you are wrong in feeling that way, you're entitled to feeling that. You don't have to be good all the time in order to be a good person. You shouldn't have to pretend to not feel that way in order to be accepted either really. But of course, people on here are feeling bad and some can be hurted easily.
    Also, if you've had people in your life who have treated you badly and abused you, it's natural to feel angry.
    It might fade with time. I really think it has to do with not being happy. I don't think that happy people feel like that.
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