Not sure how to start this off but I've been feeling suicidal recently and am unable to talk to my friends and family about my issues. Long story short, I had a very rough life up to this point (parents abusive, etc) and just started to get my life on track a few months ago by moving cross country to live with a friend until I'm able to get on my own feet. The sad thing is I don't feel like I have a relationship with this friend anymore but I'm nowhere near any family in a very small town, and what family does associate with me turns a blind eye to problems of any kind. Meanwhile I started going to a local mental health counselor for a lifelong anxiety issue, which was only recently noticed by said friend whom I am staying with. I tend to feel better when I leave the office but the minute I get in the car, I'm depressed again because I know what the rest of the week is like until the next session, without fail. While my roommate goes to therapy with me, she comes across as two-faced. In the one hour of therapy, she has a compassionate personality and the rest of the week she views me as a complete failure and basically says I'm not able to do anything right. This is no different at all from how I was raised, but she gets nasty and says don't dare compare her to my family because she isn't anywhere near as bad as they are/were. She knows that the mental issues (which I am unable to get in for a psychiatric evaluation or medication of any kind) also affect my short term memory, which I have none. When I do something that is a genuine honest mistake, she refuses to accept the apology and is extremely hostile to the point where I honestly don't know what to do and I feel like she'd be alot happier if I wasn't here even though she claims that she doesn't want me to leave. The thing that completely drove a wedge between us last night (actually about 3ish this morning) that I honestly don't believe is repairable due to her reaction and absolute refusal to listen to anything I had to say in my defense other than to scream at me to shut the f up because I don't care about her safety even though she claims she doesn't want me to leave but if I do it again, she will call the cops on me. Around midnight we came home from the store and since i was the last one in, I honestly could have sworn that I locked the screen and front doors. I remember going through the motions of doing so, but apparantly I didn't. A couple hours later, she goes to check the front door and then I'm in the bathroom starting to brush my teeth before bed when she busted the door down and asked why she shouldn't evict me then and there and never speak to me again. After I found out what she was talking about, she refused to believe that it was a honest mistake, and refused to listen to anything I had to say, saying that since I don't care about either of our safety then I have no business opening my mouth for any reason. Not only was I traumatized by it because I don't even know this person anymore who claims to be my best friend, but all the screaming scared my cat too (mine doesn't mean shit to her but I'm supposed to worship the ground hers walk on) so that I couldn't be around him without fear that I might accidentally hurt him when he's innocent. Right now I'm locked in my room and physically and emotionally exhausted from crying for hours. I honestly don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. If I say anything to my friends about feeling that way, they get pissed off and tell me I'm crazy and stupid for having such idiotic feelings. On top of that, I'm struggling with my first year of college and with very difficult classes. I can't get through a single assignment without above mentioned roommate (who is a straight A student at same college) condescending me that if I want to graduate with a sh!tty gpa and not put in any effort, then I can go for it, simply because I don't have the same mental capacity and learning ability that she does. She says she can't understand why I get so stressed and depressed when there is nothing to get upset over. Meanwhile she goes on to no end about her crappy family life and I'm unable to have any sympathy.