Feel all alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ember, Sep 1, 2010.

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  1. Ember

    Ember Member

    Not sure how to start this off but I've been feeling suicidal recently and am unable to talk to my friends and family about my issues. Long story short, I had a very rough life up to this point (parents abusive, etc) and just started to get my life on track a few months ago by moving cross country to live with a friend until I'm able to get on my own feet. The sad thing is I don't feel like I have a relationship with this friend anymore but I'm nowhere near any family in a very small town, and what family does associate with me turns a blind eye to problems of any kind. Meanwhile I started going to a local mental health counselor for a lifelong anxiety issue, which was only recently noticed by said friend whom I am staying with. I tend to feel better when I leave the office but the minute I get in the car, I'm depressed again because I know what the rest of the week is like until the next session, without fail. While my roommate goes to therapy with me, she comes across as two-faced. In the one hour of therapy, she has a compassionate personality and the rest of the week she views me as a complete failure and basically says I'm not able to do anything right. This is no different at all from how I was raised, but she gets nasty and says don't dare compare her to my family because she isn't anywhere near as bad as they are/were. She knows that the mental issues (which I am unable to get in for a psychiatric evaluation or medication of any kind) also affect my short term memory, which I have none. When I do something that is a genuine honest mistake, she refuses to accept the apology and is extremely hostile to the point where I honestly don't know what to do and I feel like she'd be alot happier if I wasn't here even though she claims that she doesn't want me to leave.

    The thing that completely drove a wedge between us last night (actually about 3ish this morning) that I honestly don't believe is repairable due to her reaction and absolute refusal to listen to anything I had to say in my defense other than to scream at me to shut the f up because I don't care about her safety even though she claims she doesn't want me to leave but if I do it again, she will call the cops on me. Around midnight we came home from the store and since i was the last one in, I honestly could have sworn that I locked the screen and front doors. I remember going through the motions of doing so, but apparantly I didn't. A couple hours later, she goes to check the front door and then I'm in the bathroom starting to brush my teeth before bed when she busted the door down and asked why she shouldn't evict me then and there and never speak to me again. After I found out what she was talking about, she refused to believe that it was a honest mistake, and refused to listen to anything I had to say, saying that since I don't care about either of our safety then I have no business opening my mouth for any reason.

    Not only was I traumatized by it because I don't even know this person anymore who claims to be my best friend, but all the screaming scared my cat too (mine doesn't mean shit to her but I'm supposed to worship the ground hers walk on) so that I couldn't be around him without fear that I might accidentally hurt him when he's innocent.

    Right now I'm locked in my room and physically and emotionally exhausted from crying for hours. I honestly don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. If I say anything to my friends about feeling that way, they get pissed off and tell me I'm crazy and stupid for having such idiotic feelings.

    On top of that, I'm struggling with my first year of college and with very difficult classes. I can't get through a single assignment without above mentioned roommate (who is a straight A student at same college) condescending me that if I want to graduate with a sh!tty gpa and not put in any effort, then I can go for it, simply because I don't have the same mental capacity and learning ability that she does. She says she can't understand why I get so stressed and depressed when there is nothing to get upset over. Meanwhile she goes on to no end about her crappy family life and I'm unable to have any sympathy.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2010
  2. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hi there. I'm sorry that you're in such a bad way right now. I can see the pain in your writing. I can identify with a lot of what you've said in your thread; I've been through rough times with many types of abuses, and I know how painful it can make life, and how hard it can be to deal with.

    I really hope that you do decide to hold onto life and keep trying. You never know when things will turn around, usually when you least expect it. Life can be a great thing, at times - if things turn around and you keep trying.. I do know that some days it's not easy at all, though. I know that it can be easer said than done, if it was as easy as said than I doubt many of us would be here. But it is worth it, and you're worth it. Please don't give up.

    Feel free to sick around and seek support, and vent if you need to. Don't be afraid to participate here. We won't bite.

    Please take care. :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2010
  3. Ember

    Ember Member

    Thank you. The therapist I'm seeing I'm comfortable with and have opened up quite a bit with her but the other aspects (which are out of her control and jurisdiction) are not getting done as they should. Unfortunately it's the only mental health facility in the area that I'm able to visit.
     
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    What is it that is lacking, Hun? Oh, and are you in the US? I may be able to find if for you, if you are. (If somewhere else, I wouldn't know so much about how things work, but I could still try to find info. :) )
     
  5. Ember

    Ember Member

    Yes I am in the US. I'm also on Goverment assistance for medical care so my options are limited anyway. The frustrating part about the therapy is that the business is very disorganized because it is so large that no one knows what is going on at any time. I was told back when I first applied a couple months ago that I would be required to have a psychiatric evaluation before I could see a therapist or be prescribed medication to help me cope, but there's nothing happening with that. I'm able to see the therapist, which is helpful when I do go in (not necessarily when I leave though), but if I need anything else, then I have to bring it up with her to ask the administration/reception team and then depend on them to get back with me, if they do at all.
     
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Oh, ok. So, did you not do the evaluation? I don't understand why they haven't given you meds yet. That is kind of strange.
     
  7. Ember

    Ember Member

    Yes it is strange. I'm waiting for them to get back with me to schedule it so that they can prescribe me medication. I mentioned it to my therapist last week that I hadn't been in for that yet and she checked on it and told them to call me but I haven't heard anything.

    Also, I'm agoraphobic as of late (it never used to bother me at all, much less to the extreme that it does now) and my therapist and roommate both know this but my roommate also tells me constantly that I'm going to have to get over it pretty soon if I intend to function normally. At the same time, she says she can't tell if I'm affected by it at the time it happens becasue she's never met anyone with these issues. Seriously? I feel like I have to tattoo something on my forehead to get it across, which I should not have to do.
     
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Ember, welcome to the forums. Is there anyway that you could change roommates. She seems very insensitive to your situation. You are still young, and so many good things can happen in a few weeks, so that your situation can get better. You do need to get the medical process going, and social services can pick up the tab. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Find something relaxing to do when you are not busy. And, get involved in a hobby that you find rewarding.:hugtackles:
     
  9. Ember

    Ember Member

    Unfortunately finding a new roommate is easier said than done. We live in a house rather than a dorm. This girl was my best friend (or so I thought) for over 10 years so this behavior is, for lack of a better description, not what I've known of her at all, and we live in BFE and I only know three other people in town, none of which I can stay with. Add to that, my car recently broke down so anywhere I need to go, I have to depend on her to take me because we are out in the sticks. I'm barely in my 30s so not quite that young. In addition, she places the "blame" of her personality on the sign she was born under and that I should learn to accept it since she can't change so I have to be the one to, at the same time she tells my therapist every week how she is adapting herself to fit my situation because she wants me to improve. Yeah right. Thanks for the kind words though.
     
  10. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Ember, I'm really sorry about your living situation. Your friend sounds very wrapped up in herself, and a bit sadistic. And now that you are so far way from family, she is really taking advantage of your vulnerability. Add to that, you are in a small town out in nowhere, so your options are limited. Is this worse than when you were with your parents?

    Maybe you can move back in with your parents, however abusive they were, it might be better than this arrangement.

    Maybe you can enroll in a community college near your parents, transfer your credits and stuff, and take a simpler course so it's not as challenging as it is now. In a couple years you might be able to get a small apartment on your own.

    Small towns have few options and few opportunities, Where your parents live you may have more options, public transportation, and medical care.
    Do you think moving back to your parents with a two year plan might be able to get you on your feet so you can start your own life? By then you would have received an associate degree, and some independence. If you have hope you have almost everything to make it. Take care.
     
  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    ^

    I agree with this, that sounds like another thing to maybe think about eventually. Maybe after you get meds and stuff sorted, you can cope well enough to sort other arrangements out, that would be healthier for you - that home life and abusive behavior won't help you at all, it'll just top off depression and issues that you already have trouble coping with, unfortunately. However, was it your parents that abused you? If you'd be moving into another bad situation, perhaps you should try to think of a something similar, but somewhere else. There are grants and funding that you could get for college, and you could get money assistance. I have heard of some that you get free, if you have mental problems, or disabilities, and as long as you make a D in your classes, you don't have to pay it back, last I heard. Keep your chin up, Hun. :hug:
     
  12. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Your friend is really terrible, and you do not deserve that kind of treatment at all. She is indeed abusing you, and using you, and the sooner you get out of that environment, the better. I understand that this is far easier said than done, but it's a matter of your mental and physical safety (considering that you're posting on a forum such as this). Have you considered moving into a small apartment? Or subletting with someone until you can get a little more stable? Maybe rent a Uhaul and move out when your friend is gone, because it doesn't sound like she would react well to you moving out. Have you tried talking to your other contacts in the area? Explaining your situation? You may find an unexpected resource.

    Just as an idea for your growing agoraphobia, I haven't done much research on the subject, but maybe you could try going out with a black umbrella or something and holding it close to your head so that it doesn't feel like you're so out in the open? Just something to make you feel more grounded. Sure it would look weird, but wouldn't that be a better alternative to feeling panicky? I'm really wishing the best for you, you're in a tough spot. But nothing's impossible.

    --ThinkingCap
     
  13. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Wow, I would leave and get my own place. Roomates and me never mixed. It sounds as though miss perfect isn't as perfect as she likes to think, and maybe she is jealous of you for actually dealing with your issues and trying to get better. Who knows; all I do know is that you do not need to be in this situation. Find a new roomate or something. I will pray for your situation to get better. Remember you never have to deal with any of this alone. Blessings..
     
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