Feel alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ang11, Jan 23, 2015.

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  1. Ang11

    Ang11 New Member

    I feel weird typing this out for total strangers to see, but I'm just very lost right now.
    Last weekend I was sitting in the living room having a drink with my boyfriend, and we were having an argument- nothing too serious, just a scuffle about something little. He suddenly just snapped- he ended up beating me up pretty badly, and the police came. Then he was sending me horrible messages about how worthless I was, and how I was a waste of time and space, and he wished I was dead. I don't know why, but I took a handful of sleeping pills, which inevitably landed me in the hospital. The word got around, and then I was getting messages from him telling me that I should've done a better job at killing myself. I've blocked his number, but am sitting here feeling so very low... I lost my long time boyfriend, my dignity, any self esteem that I had (which in hindsight,although I thought I had a great relationship, it was toxic from the beginning) and any sense of worth. I don't feel like hurting myself right now, but I feel so useless, unloved and beaten down (literally and metaphorically). The hospital was supposed to set me up with a psychologist, but they haven't called with an appointment date yet... So I feel pretty alone.
    Just wondering if anyone on here has been in a similar situation. Sorry for the ramble, but thank you for reading it.
  2. Milkyway

    Milkyway Well-Known Member

    I have done what he did more than once, probably three times in the past 6 years. Not to an extent where I go to beating someone, but pretty much the same way and it always started the way it started in your case. Petty disagreement and then a sudden out of control reaction to the extreme. My extreme was probably a little limited than his, but it was extreme for me.

    Please note that I am not an expert or know much about these things, just a person who has done almost similar thing.

    If I analyse my behaviour now, it had these things:

    1. Alcohol - (no matter how small quantity, but it was there in all three times)
    2. Fear - All three times the discussion gave me fear that if I agree on something or accept something that is subject of discussion or argument, I would lose my key objective or the efforts I have made so far.
    3. Importance - Either the subject matter that was being discussed or any other matter that was not discussed directly during this argument but linked was much more important to me than the other person.
    4. I was already stressed and worried about my objectives or plans that I feared were threatened during this argument
    5. For some strange reason, there was little or no regret about what I did at the moment even after days, weeks and months. (Like he calling you telling you did not do a good job with pills)

    Solution: I don't know, as I mentioned earlier, I am no expert, but in my case, the thing that worked was sympathy, treatment and listening to my plans or reasons why I do or did the things that became subject of the argument / disagreement.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Ang11 i am sorry for all you been through You are not useless ok hun you have been abused and it is good you blocked him now If he continues to harass you get a protective order to prevent him from having any contact with you and let the police know what he is doing.

    You call hospital back as sometimes they get busy and forget to do things so call them and see if an appt has been made for you

    you will get your self worth back with therapy you can call a womans shelter let them know what you have been through they have councilors there as well that can talk to you There is never NEVER a reason for anyone to harm someone else You chance now to start over away from the abuse don't have any further contact with him ok hugs
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If you are wise , simply listen to police, follow through with any steps to prosecute that the give you, and stay well away from this person. People that become physically violent do not deserve another chance ever for any reason - and absolutely do not deserve sympathy, or listening to reasons or excuses where they try to explain how it is actually your fault for having "done something" and please do not even consider listening to that person or anybody else that tries to make you think that is anyway reasonable or acceptable. AS you said, upon retrospect they were always toxic, and if you read everything you find will show that is how they are very likely going to remain. There are lines that once crossed are too serious to risk any second chance- that absolutely was one of them. Anytime somebody else's anger is an issue and they try to explain that it was your fault "for things you did or said that caused it" THEY need mental help of their own of a different sort and should not be trusted at all.

    If you have not heard from hospital by Monday call them back and initiate a follow up with them yourself for help with setting an appt with psychologist. In the mean time lots of people here that are happy to listen, and there may be support groups that you can go to as well for women (or men) that have found themselves in an abusive relationship and are struggling with feelings upon getting out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2015
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    All of these things suppose that there is any reasonable or legitimate reason to be physically violent to anyone - let alone someone you are supposed to care about. I fully agree that treatment is needed but there is no reason or excuse - certainly not that the argument was more important to you than the other person - and not that the violent party was stressed or worried or afraid.

    Ang - if you take anything away from this, it is that YOU do not have to find a solution to HIS crappy unacceptable behaviour. You certainly do not need to listen to his reasons or excuses. Keep him blocked, press charges and make sure to stay FAR away from him. Do follow up with the hospital as NYJ said, but don't let anyone here or anywhere else try to 'explain away' actions that are absolutely 100% not to be tolerated.
  6. Milkyway

    Milkyway Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    Let this guy suffer and come here for help someday.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are worth a million times more than that piece of crap is. How dare he lay a finger on you. Despicable.

    You can get your self confidence, self esteem, self dignity back...sooner rather than later, get the help you need now and stay away from him, he's a jerk and will keep doing the same if you allow it. Men that hit women are cowards. Stay well away and seek help from your doctor, psychiatrist and get a therapist. I know it might sound like a lot to take in at once but you will get there. Believe in yourself.
  8. Ang11

    Ang11 New Member

    Thank you all for your words... It means a lot to know that there are people out there that care- and even though I've never met you... That kindof makes it more special.
    I've been staying with my mom the past few days until I figure out what I'm doing. I've called in sick for work the past few days (so embarrassing to show up with bruises and cuts). Anyways, last night I had to run an errand (as I've been avoiding my daily responsibilities this week), and when I came back, I went to walk in the gate to the yard, and there was garbage and newspapers thrown everywhere- the wind and rain were heavy, so it was a total mess. I guessed it was him right off the bat, but the real proof came when (while I was cleaning up) found the birthday and Christmas card I had given him in the pile. I took pictures, and once again, called the police. I'm supposed to go down with the bags of garbage and the pictures to write a statement and show them. I don't know why he won't leave me alone!! I'm absolutely and completely physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally EXHAUSTED right now. I'm scared of what he might do. And because my mom was kind enough to let me stay here for a couple of weeks with my dog- I need to think of their safety too!
    I'm soooo jumpy too.... Last night when I was walking out to my car I was checking over my shoulder, and got startled by each noise, I hung things over the windows that don't have curtains... That's not me!!! I don't hide from the world! But yet, I feel afraid, and I need to hide from whatever he decides to do next (even though it's a when/what/where kindof situation) i don't know what else to do. this morning I thought- I could do this right now, and no one would know for a while, but then I remembered what a friend said to me yesterday- that she'd be sooo very angry with me if I wasn't here. I guess it's just the little things that we hang on to at times like these.
    Again, thank you for reading this, it does mean a lot to me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2015
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