feel bad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mindstrong, Apr 13, 2011.

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  1. Mindstrong

    Mindstrong New Member

    If I were to describe how I feel in one word it would be terrible. My girlfriend (last 13 months known her a bit longer though) is dumping me, because I have been struggling with depressions and OCD, and it has all become to much for her. She has been very understanding with everything but i guess everybody have their limits.
    I have a lot of suicidal thoughts, but even though I do not think I can or could act on them, I am still scared that I will.. To explain what has happened to me I have written the following and hope I can get some objective constructive criticism.
    Here is the history of my last 18 months:
    I was struggling with depression when I decided to go on a kind of school in Denmark where people are able to practice the things and only the things they truly love. I went to train judo for 6 months straight and it was the best time in my life. No depression.. no bad feelings. I should mention here that part of the reason for me leaving my home country was that I had to see whether or not i was ready to leave my home country for an extended period of time, so that i would be able to get an education. It turned out I was ready.. and somehow yet not ..
    When I was at this school I met a fantastic girl. I have never felt this way about anybody else in my whole live. I am 20 by the way. So after I was done at the judo school I decided that I was prepared to leave my country and get an education.
    boy was i wrong ..
    I moved to Denmark and got an apartment and before i knew my girlfriend was living with me, and as it turned out I was in no way ready for that. We fought a lot, mostly i was picking fights, and before I knew I was constantly pushing her away from me, even though all she wanted to do was to help. I constantly think that she deserves someone better, one who doesn't make her sad all the time and, well someone stable..
    I talked a lot about my obsessive thoughts, since she urged me to do so, and it turns out that one's girlfriend is not able to maintain an objective perspective on everything you say. And it has now worn her drastically down, so much that she is now considering whether or not to be in a relationship with me. And that is why I now have a lot of suicide thoughts. I'm tempted xxxxx Now as I say these are just thoughts, and I can not act on them, because I feel to much guilt towards my family and friends. But just because it's thoughts it still makes me very depressed.
    The reason I am writing this here, is that I wanted to get some new perspective, and find no other more fitting forum..
    I feel that I am such a cruel person for wearing my girlfriend down like I have. She was such a happy person and now it is as if I have taken her down with me. Perhaps she is right to dump me. I don't seem to have any good effect on her life...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  2. Green.Triceratops

    Green.Triceratops Account Closed

    You dont say whether you were seeing a therapist and/or taking medication for your depression and ocd. The reason i ask is, if you werent, it could have been that she felt like she was playing that role for you and shes not trained to do that - to be objective and NOT make it personal.

    That being said, i can understand what you're going through. You need to really just work on you. Your self confidence. Moving to Denmark alone took a lot of confidence so i have faith its in there. Remind yourself that you are worthy and deserving, let the little things that you might fight about go, and find someone who you can talk to who wont take things personally and become biased.

    Take care.
     
  3. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    GT is right. It would be in both of your best interests to find someone to pass off some of the stress onto. It definitely will wear your girlfriend down at this rate, and you clearly don't want that to happen.

    What is the nature of your OCD? What do you do to neutralize a thought once it comes up?
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    yeah, in addition to therapy and meds, is there anything that you think might make things better?

    would you be happier if you moved back to your home country?

    while it's too bad that your gf felt worn down, it's not really your fault. it's just that you've been struggling with being ill. also, her moving in sounds like it just put a stress on both of you that neither was ready for

    I don't think that you have to feel guilty, I don't think that you were trying to hurt her, and she may have learned or grown from the experience.

    I think that you may owe it both to her and yourself to try to get better though. If you can get better, maybe you can still have some kind of friendly contact with her. and maybe she could feel like the experience was worthwhile, because it gave you the inspiration to work on getting better.
     
  5. Mindstrong

    Mindstrong New Member

    thank you all for these answers. I am on Venlafaxin and Valdoxan and am currently seeing a psychologist, and I really hope things will get better now =)
    moving to my home country is not possible since I am forced to get an education before a certain amount of time has passed .. so I decided that it is easier to get it over with..
    but thank you all for taking the time to answer my question .. they were a great help for me when I was feeling really bad..
     
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