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Feel better in some ways, and worse in others.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Dec 20, 2015.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I have been on a remarkable journey in the past couple of years. I have embraced recovery and acceptance of my illness. With the help of my new psych, meds and therapy I am learning how to manage my illness productively and have come an awful long way. I am no longer the impulsive malingerer that I once was and I am so much better than I was about 5 years ago.

    But in some ways, I feel a lot worse. Each depression is longer, harder and more intense. It's more frightening and the thoughts get worse. Each mania I get leads to a bad depression that was worse than the last. I write this post whilst in a fairly okay place, but my last depression has certainly left its mark and scarred me. It's left me with doubts about my future and I still think about ending my life on a daily basis. I still make plans in my head and imagine my death and the aftermath. I was so close to attempting a couple of months back but I wasn't ready. But I can't shake the feeling that this illness one day will finish me off. On a good day I know it's manageable. On a normal day I know it's never going to go away but I try my best and on a bad day it's a terminal illness. Today is an okay day and I am thinking along the lines of it being a terminal illness.

    I really don't know how I manage to function so well in the real world when my mind is such a dark place and full of turmoil. I will keep plodding along but I fear the next depression. I know how bad the last one was and how close I came. I know the next one will come and it will be worse. I of course will use my coping strategies for damage limitation and to keep myself going, I will seek help and I will continue to be honest. But I live in fear. Will it be enough?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Butterfly with new meds coming out who know hun maybe one day the depression will go away and stay away there is always hope
    I do think you will have enough strength to keep moving forward you have fought back each time so you know you can do it again
    I am glad you have supports in place and have coping skills as well now It is hard i hear you but with care you can make it you can
  3. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    It's truly like living in fear of something evil coming after you , but the something evil is yourself ..my own voice has turned against me with constant thoughts that I can't control .. Im not even on my own side .. It's a horrible way to have to live! Yet we learn to fake it so well sometimes and put on a smile and function sometimes no one even knows how bad it is.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm not so sure TE. The last depression lasted for 9 months with a brief hypomania in between. It nearly took me. Every depression gets worse. I've just been out and as I was walking I was writing my suicide note in my head. I can't shake this and I wouldn't say I'm depressed at the moment. I do have a lot of strength to keep going the way I do. But ending my life doesn't mean I've lost that strength. It means that maybe I've gained too much strength. I've been thinking through a load of things today. Finance, family etc. I haven't got a lot to leave so I won't try any time soon. I need to pay off and clear my debts and ensure my partner is in a position to continue paying the bills. If I go now he will be homeless and that will be selfish of me. Maybe by the time that time comes things will be better and I will see things differently. But right now I don't see any other end. I'm not sad about it and I intend to enjoy what ever time I have left.
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Gah!!! Tonight all my thoughts are dark and morbid! I hate this illness!!
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