I have been on a remarkable journey in the past couple of years. I have embraced recovery and acceptance of my illness. With the help of my new psych, meds and therapy I am learning how to manage my illness productively and have come an awful long way. I am no longer the impulsive malingerer that I once was and I am so much better than I was about 5 years ago. But in some ways, I feel a lot worse. Each depression is longer, harder and more intense. It's more frightening and the thoughts get worse. Each mania I get leads to a bad depression that was worse than the last. I write this post whilst in a fairly okay place, but my last depression has certainly left its mark and scarred me. It's left me with doubts about my future and I still think about ending my life on a daily basis. I still make plans in my head and imagine my death and the aftermath. I was so close to attempting a couple of months back but I wasn't ready. But I can't shake the feeling that this illness one day will finish me off. On a good day I know it's manageable. On a normal day I know it's never going to go away but I try my best and on a bad day it's a terminal illness. Today is an okay day and I am thinking along the lines of it being a terminal illness. I really don't know how I manage to function so well in the real world when my mind is such a dark place and full of turmoil. I will keep plodding along but I fear the next depression. I know how bad the last one was and how close I came. I know the next one will come and it will be worse. I of course will use my coping strategies for damage limitation and to keep myself going, I will seek help and I will continue to be honest. But I live in fear. Will it be enough?