Feel forced

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Oct 17, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I seem to have no choice but to live even though I feel I'm suffering from my past and no vision for the future anymore. I know I still have reasons to live, but I just wish I could do another attempt with no strings attached. I don't want to hurt anyone else, especially my family, but maybe if I'm really ready to attempt something, I will. I guess I'm not ready yet and I have no plan. Just keep wishing that I didn't know anything about what happened to me last time because I'm still bugged by the little bits of information that I heard from other people about me. It's too disturbing and I want to forget it all, like wanting to die or become unconscious, at least. For those who have known me here, this is just another depressive breakdown from me. Tomorrow, I look forward to meeting with my social worker and maybe I can tell him what I'm feeling and thinking and see what he thinks or says. I don't mind going to the hospital, but if I did, I would like to OD on something before I go. I think I'm not thinking clearly right now. However, that's just what's going on with me right now. Whether it makes sense or not, I don't care. Just wish I have a plan...I'll be thinking of one for awhile.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Make a plan to get help this time make a plan to talk to your social worker and go into hospital make a plan to live ok to get feeling better
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I feel a sense of frustration from you all. I dont want to keep bugging you all with the same issue all the time. My life is sad. Very sad.
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Why not make a plan to get well?
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    mpang, I do not believe that anyone here is frustrated with you. You are in so much pain. How could one of us be frustrated by this great pain? I am deeply sorry for the pain. I am relieved to hear that you will be speaking with your social worker. And that you do not mind going to the hospital. I just want you to stay safe before you go. I hope you can get a new medication that will help a lot. Because you deserve some relief. But relief that comes in a healthy way.

    No frustration. just caring. I hope you do not feel horribly frustrated with you. Because you do not deserve that. You deserve compassion and resepct and caring
     
  6. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hi mpang123, I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope you will feel better. I don't know what to say, I'm pretty exhausted myself. I'm out of words. But one thing I know, we're not frustated about you, in fact, we want you to feel better. You are in so much pain, that clouded your mind. We're not frustated at all, we do care for you. I hope you get better.

    *hugs
     
  7. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Just to update you all about my situation, first, I want to thank you all for your continued support as you have gotten to know my pain that I suffer. I have bad nights a lot, but I usually knock myself off to sleep with my multitude of meds that I take. When I get back up in the morning, it's like nothing ever happened and I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready for the day. I think I'm still learning how to cope when I feel suicidal, although, it's unlikely that I will go through it again based on the last attempt. I'm so scared about it and that's why I would go to the hospital if I feel I'm really losing it. I didn't go to the hospital this time because I felt better after I vented here and took my meds. You may all notice my mood swings and that is part of my illness. I'm learning all sorts of coping mechanisms and apply them. Most of the time they work. I've also started reading sites that displays inspirational messages and I'm able to comment positively to the messages. That helps me stay positive too. I'm still going to group therapy and still get lots of attention there too. My treatment team monitors me closely day to day because of my unstable moods I suffer from that influence my thoughts about suicide as a solution to all my problems. I don't want to believe that. It's my brain playing tricks on me. I'm trying very hard to be safe. With my long history of mental illness and multiple suicide attempts, I'm high risk and that's why I have so much support. I'm doing fine right now and I just have to go through the vicious cycle everyday and hope I make it. I probably will, as usual. Again, I thank you all for your support, advice, feedback or whatever. Without this site, I would have really lost my mind and do something that can't be redone. I'll try to hang in here through my good and bad days. So long!
     
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