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feel guilt over being a failure

Discussion in 'Opinions, Beliefs, & Points of View' started by chjones21, Oct 11, 2010.

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  1. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    Does anyone else feel this?

    I feel it all the time, especially when it comes to my mother (whom I actually love a lot) ... I can't bear it sometimes. And my mother means well, I think, and she gave us all a great start in life but that just makes it worse... just intensifies the guilt that with all her efforts and all your opportunities you are still "failing" to become a functioning adult with success and all the rest of it.

    My phone has just rung and I can see it is my mother and I can't bear to pick it up, I can't bear to hear the slight nagging questions about whether I have found a house to live in (a better one than the one I am in, which she thinks is awful), what I have been doing, what I am thinking of doing, what steps I am taking - and so on and so forth.

    I am independent, I am not relying on my mother for cash but I am also extremely unsuccessful and failing in so many ways - she is not wrong about that and in a way not wrong to be worried about that. I just think she wants her daughter(s) not to be a 'worry' any more. And I can understand that but I wish she would just 'not worry'! Rather than try to fix us into a position that she thinks is suitable and acceptable. My mother is incredibly supportive in many ways but I just can't live up to her expectations and I feel such guilt and depression over it.

    If I were to get married and have children that might go some way to putting me in a box that she could feel happier about - but I don't want to get married or have children. I don't know what I want to do exactly but I don't want that...

    Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. When does it end? I am the master of making excuses and coming up with plausible explanations for my life and where I am with it and what I am doing with it. All nonsense - if I am to look at my life I am in total agreement with my mother, I am wasting it, I am doing nothing good with it, I am useless etc. etc. etc. I am not making enough effort, I am not taking on adult responsibilities, I am slouching towards the easy road because I am lazy and unselfdisciplined and irresponsible and childish and unambitious and dreamy and and oh I don't know..... it isn't bad enough just being a failure, we have to have the guilt accompanying it aswell!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Guilt is a useless emotion it does nothing to heal one or to bring a postive outcome. Try getting involved with volunteer work to start to build up a good resume then move out get a little place you can decorate call your own. Change only happens when you take that small step to turning things around okay. I know it hard to leave the nest but it is doable and you will feel so much better when you have.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Try telling your mom that you are doing and trying the best you can with your life. Tell her that you learned many lessosns, morals, and values from her. Now you just need the opportunity to put them to use in your own life. And yes you may screw up or stumble a few times. Everyone does, and hopefully it will be a lesson learned. And she has taught you what you need to get back up. Sometimes alone and sometimes you might need a little help. But you need the chance to atleast try.

    Have you ever thought that taking all her negative feedback keeps you in a negative place? She's a mom. She's going to worry. She's going to show you your shortcomings and mistakes in hopes that you see them and dont repeat them. But she is your mom. And like all moms, at some point she has to let you fly solo. Be there to help if you fall and to burst with pride when you soar!!!! She's doing her job. Now it's time for you to take the steps to do yours.

    Take her out for a coffee. Talk to her. Let her know what you need her to hear. Then start working earnestly on making things happen. On your own. You can listen to mom's advice but you dont have to follow it. You can hear her negativity but you dont have to believe it. :arms:
  4. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Sorry you feeling like that, and that your mom is causing you stress. I feel that way too.
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I not trying to belittle your situation, when I say my life in this regard is very similar. Though what Im writing now im not drawin a parallel to yours. Im a failure myself, always have been. Ive never been good at anything, and have had a very good upbringing. My mom is always calling me and trying to support me, but I am just a flop. 2 steps is as far as I can go, i seem to start forgetting, loseing my grip on the first step and so on. Ive left a mess behind me, that the time and energy to get myself forward feels alot more than it probably is. The worst is the support. Many dont have it, I do, and it's even worse when I fail with that support. Right now my suicidal thoughts are flooding back, and Im running out of ideas and strength to rationalize it off. My failures are wittling me down to my emotional states, ..probably because I cant face the world anymore, all ive got to face is myself. It's funny actually, I fall inside and the best I can do is bounce words at the right moments with the right songs to bounce up. Even if they dont mean anything in feeling in the moment, it sometimes works. I guess I am a failing dreamer with no practical use in this world.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0kGAz6HYM8 songs like this help but they make me feel when all I want to do is sleep. now listening to this song, im imagining being on a rooftop, letting my life history play through my mind with the music. It's pushing me to fight for more and at the sametime im weaking to the goodbye

    i wish it was going to be ok :( my life is hurting and is going to keep hurting the people around me and away from me.

    I suppose for a moment I found some pause that someone else feels similar in someway. but i dont know if it makes a difference.

    i guess the only people who are going to make a difference is ourselves. so easy to say though.
  6. painwell

    painwell Member & Antiquities Friend

    I would sit down with your mom and tell her how you are feeling. As a parent we always want the best for our kids... sometimes we get blinded by that and don't realize how overbearing we become. We can tend to get a one track mind... almost like tunnel vision, and fail to see the big picture. Sometimes we need our kids to rein us in a bit and say 'hey, I appreciate you and love you, but you need to let me live my own life and make my own mistakes to learn from'.

    We're parents, but we make mistakes too... it's a clause in our contracts ;)

    Hang in there, and keep us updated.
  7. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Don't feel guilty... Just try again.
  8. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Hating oneself isn't productive. I've done that for a long time. Take my word.

    If it helps you, you're doing better than me. I'm not independent. When they screamed at me, I was at home with them.

    Way to go! My brother made the leap several years ago and he's now much more of a man than me. He started out like you.
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