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Feel horrible, all the time and completely alone.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JJRiggers, Sep 29, 2016.

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  1. JJRiggers

    JJRiggers Member

    I'm completely miserable, all the time. I've made a lot of mistakes and now finally everyone has cut off contact with me. I haven't spoken to a real person in about a week now. I feel horrible. I wish I was dead constantly. I'm completely alone in this world, and now I've managed to push everyone away makes me feel worse. I kept telling myself that yeah I might be bad, and I've pushed everyone away because I don't want them to be upset when I kill myself. But then I keep waking up again and again. [mod edit: method] I've done that a few times in the last couple weeks now. Why won't it end? I'm alone, miserable and feel horrible with myself. I'm suicidal and hate everyone and everything. I'm the one whos called all these problems for myself. People are happier now that I'm not around any more, which is a good thing. But I can't live in this hell anymore.

    What can I do? Sorry for the rant =[
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2016
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    You can start by going to a hospital that is better at treating suicide attempts. Check the ones in your area that have units specifically for behavioral health.

    You need help desperately, please go seek it. Or call emergency services and let them take you to a safe place
  3. JJRiggers

    JJRiggers Member

    And be locked up by some hack quack who thinks that doping me up and locking me in a cage is a "cure", been there, done that. Never Again.
  4. lauriem

    lauriem Member

    Dear JJ--I've been to the hospital for suicidal tendencies with a plan and access to ways of ending my life. At first I felt very much like you expressed. Everything was taken away from me and I felt like I was being locked up. But after a day or two of feeling super angry and ashamed, I started participating (a little) and resigned myself to getting better. (Imagine that.) In time I made a couple of friends and the meds my doctor gave me actually worked. I found that my body wasn't secreting all the hormones it needs to feel like other people do. I hope and wish it could be the same for you--that you would get some positive help.
  5. JJRiggers

    JJRiggers Member

    Like I said, I've been there before. Locked up like a rat with people watching my every move constantly. Never again. I'm a human being for God's sake. It didn't help. because locking someone up against their will obviously wont help. To me, it's not different than Jail. Locked up, surrounded by dangerous people, with people who are paid to care just being totally condescending. I'm good.
  6. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Well, I don't blame you for hating locked wards. So the alternative is to help yourself so you're no longer a candidate. :)

    I don't know much about your situation--just the little bit you wrote above. But I'll respond as best I can.

    First, recognize that suicidal thoughts just mean that you have more pain than you have coping skills at the moment. So, ask yourself: are there ways to decrease the pain and increase the coping skills? Your anguish is a symptom that your needs aren't getting met. That's all. The point is, one way or another, many of your needs probably can be met, with some effort. Suicide won't meet those needs, especially if another attempt fails. It's the very best way you could think of to get yourself locked up again, or else put yourself in the ICU with worse problems. So let's assume that "solution" is not a solution at all. What then?

    You say you've made a lot of mistakes. Well, it seems to me that makes you human. Since you can't undo the past, focusing on the mistakes will only leave you feeling ashamed and helpless. So othink about a different question: What have you done right in your life? Maybe there are clues there as to how you should proceed.

    Next, can you think of someone from your past who was kind to you, someone you liked? Or even someone you don't know (a public figure, say) whom you like? If there's anyone, then you haven't entirely lost your ability to care for people. (Perhaps you've helped people here, too. And maybe you like them.) Usually, hating everybody else stems from hating how we think they make us feel about ourselves (guilty or failed or whatever). But maybe not all people make you feel that way. It's easy to generalize to the whole world when you're really upset. Telling yourself that you're all alone and that nobody cares will definitely make you feel worse. Consider, instead, that you aren't alone (we're here), and that some people really do care (such as the complete stranger reaching out to you very earnestly in this note).

    So, get back to basics. What can you do today to help yourself along? To soothe your distress? To distract you a bit till it starts to settle? You've tripped the flight-or-flight wire, but you can calm it down again.

    You won't do it by berating and depressing yourself, though. That reminds me of the old saying we used to have at my dysfunctional workplace: "The beatings will continue until morale improves." It used to give me a laugh, because it hit the nail on the head. No one feels better or performs better after punishment, and yet we so often try to make others (or ourselves) operate this way.

    So, for now, let's say you have the goal of staying out of the locked ward. Good. You have the power to do that. It depends, first, on calming yourself. Breathe. Make your out-breaths longer than your in-breaths. (Count to 7 in, 11 out.) Doing that will trigger the parasympathetic nervous system and start to shut off the fight-or-flight thing. Next, try to distract yourself from your most upsetting thoughts. When they come up, remind yourself that they're not helpful. That way lies madness. Plan to go outside today. Maybe go to a cafe, somewhere where there are just a few people, even if you don't want to speak to anybody. Being in the world can often start to normalize our thoughts and emotions quite quickly. Think about anything else that might begin to break the spell that despair currently holds over you. If anything at all helps, even a tiny bit, notice it. Realize that your actions had an effect, which means you're not entirely helpless over these states. Realizing that should bring a sense of relief, maybe even hope. And just keep trying things and noticing whenever anything helps.

    Let us know how you're doing.
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