Feel I can't do it anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hadit, Jun 27, 2010.

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  1. hadit

    hadit Member

    I am so tired of all that is going in my head, I am tired or feeling this way, I know it will never end, I know that I am this weay forever.

    I keep getting hurt my family are shit, they abandoned me a long time ago and they do nothing now but judge me and hurt me every chance they get.

    I keep letting my partner screw with my head, he is hurtful and cruel and also abandonds me when ever I need someone the most.

    He is upported by my family, they encourage him to hurt me and treat me like a worthless pieces of crap.

    I am desparately trying not to cut or harm myself, I have done a load of hitting and punching but that leaves no evidence and is easy to explain away anyway.

    I just need to cut, but it is more I visualise hacking myself to bits, I just want to rip into my legs and arms with a blade. I am so fucked up and cut inside that it just OK to do this to the outside as well. I have ben here before and I keep ending up here again, I am tired, I am sick of living this way.

    I do what I am told, I take my meds yet my GP has no idea wha tto do with the meds and it is impossible to get into a pdoc here. It is just a joke, I feel like I need to be in hospital but know it just makes things worse. I still want to cut it is just that I can't do it properly in there.

    I can't cut because I have a 12year old son and I cannot have him see any sign of it. I have to be here for him, I keep telling myself that if I just hang out until he is out of school and goes away to uni or whatever he chooses to do. If I can just hang out and stay alive for him till he is independant.

    I cannot talk to anyone, if i call the crisis number they demand me details and then it all goes arse up with them. I really just cannot survive this all again.
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi hadit,
    You say you come and go all the time.. Why don't you stick around and talk to us.. Your right that you need to be there for your son..He depends on you..You should go ahead and get your name on the waiting list to see a pdoc.. You might also want to find a good therapist. I find that they really do help.. It takes a while for them to start helping because they need to get to know you first..
    As far as your partner goes.. If he is giving you nothing but greif and pain then kick his butt out..You don't need the negativity in your life.. Right now we need to try and get you on a positive path.. Take Care and Stay Safe!!!
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi hadit. Have you tried counselling? I think that you need some help dealing with your issues like cutting and family abandonment issues. Please talk to us some more and help yourself to get better. Harming yourself won't solve anything and it will make things worse. Please don't give up. :hug:
     
  4. hadit

    hadit Member

    Have been up and down all over the place again, went into case worker and had an old med added back in again.

    I am stuck in a cycle of mixed episodes right now and it is vicsous and cruel, I don't seem to be able to get any releif without being knocked out.

    I have been doing the right things, getting out, not isolating, taking my meds but it is for nothing. I don't want to keep doing this I feel so horrible, so useless, so ineffective. I am kidding myself that things will get better and I will ba able to complete study or find a job I can hold. If I do stay around it is a life of sickness benifit, existing on the poverty line forever.

    I am ablet od o so much more without this freakin head shit, it is getting worse as I get older.

    Now I can't stop crying, my heart hurst, it aches, my whole body is engulfed by this emotional torture. I am empty yet full of such pain and misery, how weak is that, how miserable, how useless. feeling so sorry for myself, but I cannot get out of it, it is hole that just gets deeper every time I fall back in it again.

    I really do try to do the right things, but when it is like this I just cannot find a way out of it. I don't know what to do, I am to the point of just wanting it to stop, not be anymore. If something would just happen to me that would be great, an accident something. I don't have the guts to do anything, I hat this, I hate me.
     
  5. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Even though you don't think the meds are going to help much, at least remember this: it can't make things much worse.
     
  6. hadit

    hadit Member

    Oh the meds definately help keep things stable most of the time. But it is these episdodes when the meds don't manage things and I am doing my best trying to manage with all my tools but am just getting overwhelmed by it all.

    Tonight I couldn't stop, I was so enraged and angry I could not contain. I tried to settle, I tried to calm but couldn't I grabbed a long neck and downed it.

    Tell myself not to as I do not want to start a habit and end up with another issue to deal with. But I had to do something, either knife myself or have a drink. After I downed it I looked at the bottle seeing myself smashing it and using it to slash my face and body.

    After a few minutes I started to feel a bit more settled, I know it works and know it is not a good thing to do or start. This is one of the worst episodes I have had, it has been building for over a week and is getting worse.

    This is not the life I want, I just want it ended - this urge is becoming a drive, following the pattern until instead of thinking about it I am downing pills and hacking myself to pieces.

    I feel I am losing control over any of this and it is taking over me and everything I am. My son would be better with his shithead father, I know he is a prick and a jerk but at least he has the income the stability and while neither side of the family will help me they will leap in to help him.


    It has made the night slightly more manageable, it is wearing off now
     
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Wow, I'm so sorry your going through this. I feel horrible to know how bad your family is treating you. Maybe you have to stay away for a while. I will pray for you and I hope you pray. It has helped me so much please try.

    PLEASE don't cut or hurt yourself. DON'T treat yourself like your family does. Don't join the negative people in your life and hurt you. You are turning your own anger inwards. You need to find a way to get that anger out constructively. Maybe you need a break in a facilty to get away from those hurting you. Your child needs you I'm sure and you are amazing to hang in there for him. Don't let the people who are negative win. Your hurting yourself will make them feel justified. Get theraoy and reach out maybe 12 step groups whatever you have to do try everything!!!!

    You are a good person in a huge struggle. You are very valiant and should be proud how well you fight!!!! I want you to win and I will help you anyway I can. We will help you win and make your life better! We are all here for you!!!!

    Please write if you like,

    Marty
     
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