I am so tired of all that is going in my head, I am tired or feeling this way, I know it will never end, I know that I am this weay forever. I keep getting hurt my family are shit, they abandoned me a long time ago and they do nothing now but judge me and hurt me every chance they get. I keep letting my partner screw with my head, he is hurtful and cruel and also abandonds me when ever I need someone the most. He is upported by my family, they encourage him to hurt me and treat me like a worthless pieces of crap. I am desparately trying not to cut or harm myself, I have done a load of hitting and punching but that leaves no evidence and is easy to explain away anyway. I just need to cut, but it is more I visualise hacking myself to bits, I just want to rip into my legs and arms with a blade. I am so fucked up and cut inside that it just OK to do this to the outside as well. I have ben here before and I keep ending up here again, I am tired, I am sick of living this way. I do what I am told, I take my meds yet my GP has no idea wha tto do with the meds and it is impossible to get into a pdoc here. It is just a joke, I feel like I need to be in hospital but know it just makes things worse. I still want to cut it is just that I can't do it properly in there. I can't cut because I have a 12year old son and I cannot have him see any sign of it. I have to be here for him, I keep telling myself that if I just hang out until he is out of school and goes away to uni or whatever he chooses to do. If I can just hang out and stay alive for him till he is independant. I cannot talk to anyone, if i call the crisis number they demand me details and then it all goes arse up with them. I really just cannot survive this all again.