Had a Thanksgiving get together the other day. All the family came over here. Makes me realize how much I hate my life. Also makes it that much more clear that I can't change. Everyone's doing their thing. All I can do is watch and wish I could be a part of the group. No one respects me. No one wants to look at me. My only saving grace was my cousins daughter (my second cousin). 10 years old and gives me a hug every time, and is the sweetest girl I've ever known. It just makes me want to cry though because I know someone loves me. I hate how judgmental everyone is. No one said anything, but I know what they're thinking. I can tell by the way they speak to me. The way I'm ignored when trying to speak. The way when they do hear me, they don't care or understand. I want to say I don't care what you think. But I really do. It's actually all I care about. I want to be a part of the group. But I don't know how to. I don't know what it means to be myself. Who I am stays in my head. I'm fucked guys.