Feel like a burden

[Morgana]

I only seem to come back here when I'm feeling down...hmm. -sighs-

I don't know that I'm quite suicidal yet, but I can tell I'm certainly headed that way. I feel like a burden on everyone I know, and like a complete fail as an adult at all. I can't drive--moreover, I can't even learn yet. My permit expired and I have to wait for my aunt to get her mom's car up here before I can even try. And public transit here sucks. Oh, to some extent, I can use it to get places, but I can't get home because it stops ridiculously early. I also live 5 miles away from anything fun. I can't walk 5 miles. I have physical disability problems.

I also graduated college last semester. Should be great, right? Wrong. You can't do anything with only a B.A. in Psychology. And this is the first semester since kindergarten I haven't had school. I feel...amazingly bereft. Not to mention all my friends are still in college, and thus in class all day. Making me feel more alone.

I live with my aunt, who's disabled and emotionally abusive. She also sees my parents as wonderful. My parents are the reason I'm multiple, one of the reasons I have PTSD, and definitely a big reason I have depression and social anxiety. My family made my life a living hell growing up, and she refuses to see it, telling me how "lucky" I am that I have my family. You cannot imagine how tempted I am to let someone come out and tell her otherwise.

I just feel like a total fail. Keep getting memories and flashbacks, and I don't WANT to know what happened anymore, I really don't...'cause it was all so awful. And having such a hard time sleeping.

It's not really that I want to die, I just want all the bad stuff to stop. And to stop feeling like I'm a burden on everyone I know. 'Cause it sucks.

 

[Speedy]

Hi Morgana, :hugtackles:

I'll be reading what you write, as always. =]

With kindest personal regards,

Mr. A

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Morgana,
You definitely sound depressed..Can't you apply for public assistance and move to town..maybe get a letter from any doctors you have seen including therapists.. That should help with getting benefits..I wish you alll the best..

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey Morgana- nice hearing from you again. Wondered were you had vanished to.

You are NOT a burden - but its understandable how depression can make it seem that way.

As for only coming here when your down - that is absolutely understandable - many come here get some kind of response and encouragement and coming back would trigger them - so do not worry there!!!

Your being brave in being open - and I see were your cultural background is I think. As for the abuse - this demeans us and the abuser who often is just using others to offload their own anger, issues whatever it is that makes people nasty to others.

Families can be like a Petri Dish for small issues which grow - loved ones close to us are maybe familiar enough with us to abuse us. The familiarity breeds contempt sometimes - if people are emotionally deficient like your aunt might be.

You are not emotionally deficient because you have made a great effort to be honest with us - perhaps thinking we might be disgusted or something. but NO - you have medical issues - but many do - you've been brave enough to say what lot of women might not and this bravery encourages those less able than you. you have strengths. You could be effective in many jobs and just need that little bit of confidence - self belief.

After holding this in for years - its hard now - but keep it up and stay with us! We can help each other here - and despite your own bleak view of life sometimes - we have it also and it can be dealt with.

You DO have depression - and that ought to be the first issue dealt with.

Not sure if you even claim any welfare money or if its possible - but maybe counselling would be very good for you. Or you got us here - and we counsel each other - and privacy is 100%. you will get to know people though and feel confident telling us about things - we accept you and KNOW that you've lived a real hell - and have now asked yourself why this has to be the rest of your life.

Well - good question, asking it is an affirmation of life. Nobody should live with abuse and your aunt sounds like a bully indeed! However - times equals things - how old is she now? Who does she think will take the level of abuse she hands out for - how much does she pay you?

A professional would charge a LOT - plus - I bet she would be polite to a stranger - no? And she wants you to pretend she is nice. If anyone visits does she change her manners? Welcome them?

If you left her - just pretend for now - you had a flat - job - would she actually survive? Any other slaves out there to take your place?

As for being grateful you have a family - got to say this - its bull**** (sorry for the language - I know you don't like that)

Some people pray they never had a family. Just having a family does not mean anything if the family does not love you. A child needs and deserves love and kind words - always. To not get that is abuse. Emotional abuse - maybe worse. I hope not - but am a realist and will not turn away because its too upsetting. It is upsetting but I will always read a truth no matter how unpalatable it might be.

So - whatever you say here - although its a culture shock for you - please bear in mind other cultures are just human beings. Each culture has its good points and bad. Cultures whose families hide abuse and keep bullying behind closed door and do not talk about depression are cultures that need to take on good aspects of other cultures.

Anyhow - I hope you do get some help and see a doctor.

I would say you are depressed - but counselling might be a better option than meds as you have medical issues and do not need side effects I guess.

As for the hair problem - you never thought of permanent removal? There are techniques out there - I remembered you were upset about that but were adults - many woman have your issue regardless of medical complaints - and I just thought I'd mention that.

Also depression can make us stay at home - do you do a lot of that? Exercise would be good for you. Your in your thirties right? So young really! Diet also. I mean eat healthy! You ever tried any drastic changes? Veg or Vegan - or eating organic meat - good if you have land I suppose and can kill what you eat. You feed a pig good food and it will be good food.

Hope some of this helps - got to grab some sleep now!

Damn - the clocks!

but nice to to see your at least looking for answers - and there are many out there!

Nice to see you again - good luck and may your god go with you!

Regards

 

[locpsimella]

Hi Morgana,
I have a few things to say. First, I empathize. Although I may not know the details of your situation or know exactly what it's like to endure it, I do know what it's like to live with abusive people. And it can kill you, or drive you to kill yourself. And I'm in a similar position in that I don't want to kill myself but fear things are headed that way. And it'd be good if we could both find a way not to let the negative people around us defeat us.

I too am feeling tied and bound by family karma, if you will. It sounds as if you, like me, have much more INSIGHT than the rest of your family. And I think that means you have a gift and an opportunity. I'm sorry you had to be born into a family where you'd be destined to endure such hurtful things, but the fact that you recognize it means that you have a chance to end the cycle.So, you know what, DO IT.

I'm not saying it's easy, but look at each day as a step. Having just graduated college, you have SO MUCH opportunity ahead of you. I'm in my mid-thirties, and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13. I was suicidal in college. And I lived with my abusive parents after I graduated. But I managed to get a job and move out. True, I've fallen backward in my 30s but that doesn't have to be your path. You have potential. You are young. There is hope. I PROMISE you, no matter what, there is.

Last but definitely not least...peacelovingguy...I haven't been here long but you just seem like the nicest, most well-intentioned person...I just want to say thank you for all the time you spend here helping people who are struggling. I hope that you yourself are well. And if not, I hope you reach out for help.

 

[Morgana]

Mr. A: :sheep2: I don't know why there's a sheepy but that's awesome. Thank you.


Stranger: Well, I live -in- town technically. It's just that I used to live by the university...where everything is. :dry: There's nothing on this side and everyone I know lives over by the university, too. There was a girl who was sympathetic and would give me rides sometimes, but she moved right next to the uni, so she can't really help anymore. And it was getting really awkward to ask, too. >.< I probably could get like SSI, but it would take forever...and I want out of this city before then...


peacelovingguy: :-o :unsure: You missed me? O_o I didn't think anyone actually like...knew me...

That's true, it does tend to trigger me otherwise... I hate that it does, but we don't do so well around suicidal thoughts/feelings if we don't feel that way...'cause I end up feeling that way right quick...I guess 'cause I've never properly dealt with them at all.

Erm--what do you think my cultural background is? -curious- And I have to say it, I'm only 23 lol. :tongue: :laugh: I think it might be a good thing to be thought of as older though! Like I write maturely or...something. :mhmm: And I don't actually mind swearing really, so that's ok.

Anyways.

Thank you. My aunt is in her mid-50s. She could probably mostly take care of herself, but I have a feeling her calling on my mom would increase exponentially. My younger sister actually used to live with her. Her and my nephew, and now they've moved out with my sister's new bf because my sister couldn't stand her anymore and actually wanted to k*ll her. O_o Needless to say, my sister has issues. But it IS really difficult to take being treated like a servant, and like I'm at her beck and call. No wonder I haven't found a job yet...not that there are really any here anyways, but I never have time 'cause she's always wanting me to help and she holds it over my head, too, because I can't pay rent--doing chores and straightening up IS my rent, and she always holds the threat of kicking me out over my head. :cry: And I keep trying to find a job, but I can't do anything that involves just phones cuz of my anxiety, and can't stand on my feet all day. Which...cuts out quite a bit. :rolleyes:

Oh and my aunt ends up telling everyone she meets her life story, it is SO freaking annoying, and means I never want to let anyone come over here ever...like complete strangers..honestly, I think her surgery complications left her with a bit of brain damage... >.<

Er...hair problems? -confused- I think you might have me confused with someone else...

I should probably change my diet up some, but I can't do vegetarian/vegan because I can't have high fiber at all. It sucks. A lot. :grr: I never thought I'd MISS broccoli for instance.

But thank you even if you are thinking of someone else lol, that helped. <3



locpsimella: Thank you. -hugs- That's true...I don't ever want to abuse or hurt someone, and I know that that potential is there [mostly with emotional abuse because I just don't KNOW how you're supposed to act Don't really have any role models...] Just feel so frustrated and hopeless, but it has only been a couple months since graduation, I guess that's not like I've spent ten years living with my aunt or something, so that's something, right? -sighs- I hope so.


Also don't want to admit--yes, I want to be away from my aunt so in that sense, I want to be alone...but otherwise, NO I don't, I want to be with people who care about me and love me... =( It's just...FINDING those people!

 

[Morgana]

You know, it's odd.

Being threatened and everything makes me like really want to live...

But at the same time all the ramifications of what's going on right now kinda DO make me want to die because I can't really see any way out that's actually -good-.

It really sucks. :sad:

 

[Morgana]

Eurgh. My bf is telling me to just ignore it and let it not bother me. And I'm really trying. It's even starting to work.

But damn...how do you ignore someone telling you every specific, vicious, evil reason they think you're a horrible person? And who DOES that anyway?

 

[peacelovingguy]

But damn...how do you ignore someone telling you every specific, vicious, evil reason they think you're a horrible person? And who DOES that anyway?

People who have WORSE issues than you could ever have!

Seriously!

Hey - I've had my moments - said horrible demeaning things when young - but have since apologised to all. I was feeling pretty down on myself and stupidly thought hurting someone else - emotionally - would be less boring.

But - no more - its VERY wrong and the few times I done it - I was feeling bad. Not an excuse - but lets face it - depression at its worse - your loved ones - closest to you - may bear the brunt IF you are not acutely aware of this aspect of depression.

I am now - but thankfully I never had campaigns against people. There were moments - lapses as it were. Fwlt so bad afterwards - which means I'm good at heart. Those who get a 'buzz' off that - are sick - really sick - in the head. And soul. Maybe. (for those who don't want soul talk !)

Your aunt is a very depressed lady - actually very suppressed also. Lot suppressed anger - so your the target. She is actually calling you all the things she knows that she is. Shame really - she could be saved if I had her for a few weeks. I'd teach her a thing or two about manners. I get on great with elderly women.

But - I have depression - I would not dream of making ANYONE feel bad - because who knows how people really feel inside?

You have a boyfriend morgana - splendid! Glad for you hun - and his advice - well its pretty good.

But - living under the tyranny of someone who has serious issues and who will not even do a thing to alter her ways - ignore her - and tell her calmly - you are not going to respond to her in conversation unless she is civil and well mannered.

You not thought about getting a place with your bf?

Or maybe if you have actually worked for this aunt - its kind of half your home in some ways.

I do feel for you - and although I do not know you - I guess myself and others know you as well as anyone I guess?

Or do you chat to anyone about wanting to die? - only kidding - I know its a deeply profound and personal thing to have to bear - so better a share than a bear. Good saying!

Could be my catchphrase!

"better a share than a bear!"

were bear means to carry something - bear a load for example - to bear the cost. to bear the consequences

bare means - naked - so don't mistake my catchphrase with some kind of risqué suggestion

Hmmm

Maybe its not as good as it first sounded

Well - I'll find a better one.

 

[Morgana]

Whoops. I did not clarify who did that, did I? Look here: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=105090 My aunt's still away and apparently not coming back until Sunday. :yay: I hope she takes longer.

It's my sister's boyfriend and that makes it scarier because he's built like a house, and he could really hurt us if he wanted to. :sad: My bf emailed/talked to him today and he just went nuts over how much he hates me and thinks I'm this horrible waste of space and drain on life and everyone around me. :ohmy: And the sad thing is, this douchebag said more horrible things than I've ever said about MYSELF. O_o How's that for odd?

My aunt would never say things like that. She can be really thoughtless and callous [especially about my migraines] but she wouldn't act like I'm a total waste of space. Not that it makes living with her much easier, with the whole "oh your parents LOVE you so much" b.s. :dry: But we've done a really good job around the apartment with putting things together and straightening up and doing chores and stuff, so she can't even pretend I haven't helped/done what I'm supposed to as "rent." [Which is another thing apparently I'm not doing. Um...right. Agreement between my aunt and I, butt out, doofus. :rolleyes: ] I kind of also think my aunt might have brain damage because she repeats stories a lot and acts really weird...so sometimes it's like I don't know if I can blame her acting mean or acting abusive on her or the possible brain damage...if you know what I mean?

I have thought about moving in with my bf, especially right now, because I could be completely disowned by my entire family for being bi. :grr: The problem is, he's on the other side of the country and I have -zip- for moving. I don't even know how I'm gonna pay my phone bill for September. At least that's not due until the 18th. Eurgh. What I was going to try to do actually was try to get my driver's license and then see if I could scrape up enough money somehow to move...my mom said before that if her mother's house in TX sells, she would give me some money to move with. And there's more job opportunities and stuff [and better therapists LOL!] where my bf lives. I don't know though, our insiders aren't happy with that plan at all, because my bf doesn't believe I have DID...or a dissociative disorder at all. Which I understand because he's never seen me switch or talked to anyone else [I won't let him, actually XP], but I mean...he's still seen a lot of the dissociative symptoms regardless, so even though I love him like mad, it does drive me a bit crazy sometimes. And they hardly get time out as it is, if they were stuck inside all the time, things would not be good. Heh.

Anyways. Thank you. You might wanna work on that catchphrase. :laugh:

I'm just dumbfounded that this person who barely knows me at all, and who has only been with my sister since January, can harbor that much vitriolic hatred. Something is seriously wrong with him, I think.

 

[Morgana]

sorry...i know i keep whinging...

maybe he's right with everything i said, i mean...i am pretty pathetic and i am a burden on people and it would be good if i could just...well...yeah.

and it feels great knowing no one in real life seems to give a fuck that i could be disowned in a couple of days. >.< thanks guys. yeah when i go to lgbt stuff, everyone is all yes we must support each other we mustn't let someone else commit suicide...

well what the fuck do i have to do, post "imma kill myself" on my facebook wall? would you guys care THEN?

or does it not matter that i might be homeless by monday? with literally nothing and nowhere to go?

nope that doesn't matter...no one ever gets back to me, no one cares here...

guess i really am just a burden on everyone that no one wants to deal with unless i'm faking that i'm fine and happy...but as soon as the negative emotions come out, oh nooooooooo everyone's gotta back way up and not deal with *that* cuz gawd knows no one wants to deal with that shit.