I was meeting up with friends from school, something we've done since we started college together and it helps. One of them was telling of a horrible event that happened in her life to her child's friend. It was a HORRIBLE story, I was sad when I first heard of it on facebook, and even now it doesn't change how sad I feel. But...perhaps this sounds weird...but at the same time it feels like a faked sadness. I couldn't cry with her and my other friend. I felt sad, but at the same time it just didn't feel like when I'm truly sad. Like I was ready to move onto the next topic. It's been like that for a while now. I can be happy but at the same time it just doesn't feel real. More like I'm going through the actions/emotions I should go through but I'm not feeling them. And all I know is it's more exhausting then what I remember real emotions being. Holidays, vacations, events in my life...none of it has real emotion to it. Every now and then I may actually feel that real emotion, but then it just slips away and I'm putting 10 times more energy into faking that same energy level. I hate so much feeling like this. I just want to experience real emotions, even if all I can ever get to feel is the horrible emotions that hurt others. I just want it! I'm tired of faking!!! I felt so bad for my friend that I had to try so hard to fake that sadness on the outside just to make her think/feel that I was feeling for her during this horrible time.