Feel like a monster when it comes to things like this...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SaraRose, Sep 28, 2012.

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  1. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    I was meeting up with friends from school, something we've done since we started college together and it helps. One of them was telling of a horrible event that happened in her life to her child's friend. It was a HORRIBLE story, I was sad when I first heard of it on facebook, and even now it doesn't change how sad I feel. But...perhaps this sounds weird...but at the same time it feels like a faked sadness. I couldn't cry with her and my other friend. I felt sad, but at the same time it just didn't feel like when I'm truly sad. Like I was ready to move onto the next topic.

    It's been like that for a while now. I can be happy but at the same time it just doesn't feel real. More like I'm going through the actions/emotions I should go through but I'm not feeling them. And all I know is it's more exhausting then what I remember real emotions being. Holidays, vacations, events in my life...none of it has real emotion to it. Every now and then I may actually feel that real emotion, but then it just slips away and I'm putting 10 times more energy into faking that same energy level.

    I hate so much feeling like this. I just want to experience real emotions, even if all I can ever get to feel is the horrible emotions that hurt others. I just want it! I'm tired of faking!!!

    I felt so bad for my friend that I had to try so hard to fake that sadness on the outside just to make her think/feel that I was feeling for her during this horrible time.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hey... It's okay! I think I know the feeling... And, as frustrating as it is, it's a big part of depression. Think about it, your brain is sick, so how's it going to be able to feel emotion properly? You're not a fake person--nor are you even acting fake in this instance. You're simply unable to feel the pain accustomed to you from the past prior to the onset of this condition. It's sort of a numbing of the ranges in our emotions. And this numbness is very, very hard to handle and accept. Any way... Go easy on your self! It's not that bad, and there's a perfectly good explanation for it, and it's not one ounce of your own fault, trust me. We can't be as happy as we want to be, nor as sad (at least under more normal circumstances such as the one you're now describing). Take Care!
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, SaraRose. I don't think you're a monster. I think that deep down you do have the empathy for both the good and bad things you're friends are talking about.

    MisterBGone has hit it on the head...Depression often results a sense of numbness. If you think about it, when we are depressed, we often hold in all our own sadness - we squash it down. Thing is, when we squash down any feeling so completely, we blunt all our other feelings, too. And holding in feelings and/or "faking" things, uses up a lot of energy, so we feel exhausted.

    Be kind to yourself...it's the depression, not you. Be safe.
  4. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I keep telling myself it's the depression but at the same time it's been so long that I wonder if I ever was really happy. :/ All of my life I've always had to fake the feelings. When I was younger I'd jump from one to the other- more like I wasn't used to faking the happiness, so it would come off with such hyper levels. But now I'm better, so it doesn't seem so weird to watch me go from that to just normal.
  5. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I feel numb a lot of the time too and very disconnected from my family, though I've always been a bit of an odd duck to them anyway. I do agree that I think it has something to do with stifling your sadness all the time. So often I feel like I'm not even a part of this world. I'm just an observer, which definitely hinders my ability to connect with others.
  6. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    The fact that you faked it shows you cared how your freind felt and you knew the situation was sad. Just because you weren't pouring out tears doesn't mean you don't care. If you truly didn't care you wouldn't care how your friend felt and you wouldn't have faked it. That fact you faked it shows me how much you actually care about your friend.
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