Feel like an idiot...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SaraRose, Sep 12, 2012.

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  1. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    I feel like an idiot. I was feeling really bad so far this week. And I finally reached out to my gf. We are long distance and I figured that just seeing a text from her would help me. That maybe she'd help me like I helped her during her really bad times. I opened up in the text about how depressed I was and how at my lowest times I wonder if suicide would really just be better then living here in this long life that offers nothing. I told her how I felt like I was falling into a black hole that I couldn't find my way out of. Of how I want to get help but I'm too scared to tell my family and I just can't go alone. And how since I have no friends here those are my only two options.

    Her response was first "Okay." When I replied about how I was currently crying and had not slept for 2 days because it hurts to sleep and wake up. About how I just want to die her second reply was "Ah ok. My cat is currently sleeping and so cute." I thought- Oh she's distracting me, that's a smart way. So I tried to ask her for more help, to convince me that life was good. To please just help me. All I got was the all too famous one up-ping me she does so well. "Oh yeah I remember when I used to feel like that. I was convinced life would be better if I was dead. I think I went 3 days without sleep, you should try that."

    :dry: Yeah thanks I will next time, like this is something I chose. I texted back- probably a little curtly 'Yeah I remember I helped you through those times.' I feel like an idiot like I expected her to help me back. I just wanted nothing more then just someone to talk back with me, even if it was a bunch of lies. Just someone to tell me that life was worth living.

    But now I'm too scared to open up to anyone else. I don't have the energy for friends to just one up me. To prove they used to be worse off then me. I need someone to show they are on my side. I already feel completely alone in this world. I just wanted someone to help me. And now I know that she knows how I feel and it scares me because she blabs to her family about everything. I don't want her whole family to know about this!

    Sorry I'm ranting but I feel so hurt and alone now. I understand people may not be therapists and may not know what to say but common sense would come in here I think...
  2. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I have a hard time opening up to friends and family as well. Most of it is anxiety over how "minimal" my problems truly are. My closest friends have all had experiences that I've never had yet. Their parents divorced. One of their parents died. They've been through excruciatingly painful breakups. They've had financial difficulties. My life seems so incredibly mediocre compared to them. I guess the only thing that comes close is that they know how I've been perpetually single most of my life. The few relationships I have had didn't last long and the breakups were relatively painless. A lot of times, I feel like "what are my issues compared to theirs?" It's an easy trap to fall into. Comparing your life to others is almost always detrimental. None of my friends or family know just how low I've sunk at times or that I've thought about suicide quite often and still do from time to time, but I have told a few friends about experiencing depression. They always nod and say "uh-hum, everyone gets the blues now and again." Either they've never experienced depression like I have, or they're afraid or too timid to confront me on it. There have been a couple times though where I think someone was reaching out to me because they knew something wasn't right, and I shrugged it off. "I'm tired," or, "I'm just having a bad day," or, "the weather's getting me down." I'm sorry your friend sounded so unresponsive. I can't really speak for her, but maybe she was afraid of triggering. I'd talk to a couple of other people if I were you. Hope this helps. And you're not an idiot for wanting help from a friend, especially one that you've helped in the past.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2012
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It can be incredibly difficult for friends to deal with our depression... Even the ones who have experience in the field (in fact, some of the least sympathetic individuals I've sought counsel from were just these types!). But perhaps it has something to do with their not wanting to return to this dark territory for fear of being sucked back in? Or, as I often wonder, how great a friend are they, and can they be, really, if this is the best they can do for me--barely open their ears? I do feel for you because it's a horrible feeling to reach out to someone you trust and not have them respond accordingly. Even if they don't feel qualified to help, or interested in listening, you'd like to believe that they'd be there for you and offer some encouraging words! Take Care.
  4. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much DrNick1010 and MisterBeGone. You're comments help so much. Help make me feel not like such a horrible looser that's beyond saving. I don't know if I wanna open up to anyone else because I don't trust that I'm gonna get any better responses and it's so hard for me to ask for help anyways. It's my personality to not just give up and ask for help but instead to fight on my own for a while...
  5. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    It's hard to find friends who will listen to us… a lot of people do just want to talk about themselves and don't understand that it's supposed to be give and take. The people who do understand that it's supposed to be give and take tend to be more popular and avoid people who might bring them down. I'm not going to pretend that it's easy for me to listen to people even most of the time… but I do think that some people actually need to be told that now is the time to listen and not make it about you.

    It seems to me that you sort of let your friend walk all over you and you don't like it but you still don't tell her how this is making you feel, maybe because you're isolated and you don't want to lose the only friend you have… but that's not really a healthy way to approach a relationship.
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