Feel like dying need a friend?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gonzo700, Mar 11, 2012.

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  1. Gonzo700

    Gonzo700 Member

    Hello everyone, I'll start off by saying my name is Matt and I'm 18, live in Florida and have been through a lot in the pass year or so. So lets begin of were all my depression started. I actually meant the love of my life 3 years ago and everything was going great. We had the best times together. Drinking, partying, and just having a great time being a couple. Our relationship started to drag off around the last 6 months. I couldn't possibly figure out whats wrong and she wouldn't tell me. Being a drinker and all i actually went to a party without her and got extremely drunk. I actually walked across a 4-laned street and passed out nearly in the center. My friends took my phone called her and told her the situation. Ever since that day nothing would ever be the same. She became controlling it drove me nuts and I just lost her like that. I broke it off and i regret it everyday. I cut about every other month reminding myself never to leave a women again for my own actions and to this day i still have those thoughts. Around the same time i also lost a very close friend of mine. This guy was practically my brother, born in the same hospital, virtually the same age and we grew up together. We were nobodys, just 2 ugly guys and a mind full of excitement. All that changed when he wanted to finally become somebody. We saw the movie terminator salvation that day and shit that was a great movie. So after the movie we went to go fill up the gas tank in his car but a strange turn of events led to a very drastic ending. We walk into the store to pay for the gas and get a soda. Being the wrong time at the moment a armed gunman came into the store and held up the place. Told us to drop waved a gun at us and we dropped. We just laid there on the ground scared shitless crying nervous all of the sense we were going to die. My life flashed before my eyes with me and my ex but that wouldn't save us. The last words he said was "Im going to make a name for myself". Those words beat in my head every fucking day i see a person get bullied and trashed. The robber left, so did my friend chased after him tackled him. All i hear is bang bang bang and my heart just drops. 3-shots and he was dead. Driver drove off and left. I walk outside and i see my lifelike brother dead on the ground . i just start to cry and realize i could've stopped him.

    Ever since that day i have had this horrible thought that i should of died and not him.. I attempted suicide by running into 30 mph traffic i was struck fell down and hospitalized. Nothing but a bruised hip and a broken arm. I took my dads 45. and aimed it at my head attempting to pull the trigger but my sister tackled me and threw the gun. She called the police and i was put in involuntary psychiatric hold due to my attempts in suicide.

    So about the whole ex thing. I haven't dated anybody since that day and i finally started to look for other people. I met this beautiful Colombian girl, holy crap shes so pretty and i actually love her personality. We start to talk and everything's going great for the first 4 months. I finally told her i liked her and i wanted more than just a friendship and all she could tell me was that she wasn't interested in me and she had plans with other guys. I tried for days to persuade her to liking me. Telling her things i could do just so i could have a relationship. She turned me down cold faced ... I have never felt so fucking empty since that moment and this was about 48 hours ago. I stood next to a 2 way street and was thinking very hard if i should just roll into the cars coming twords me but i just didn't have the balls to do it.

    All i'm asking is what the hell can i do to help myself get over this. Activities, hobbies, work nothing works. All i need is a friend . Just a friend... but in this world thats to hard to ask when people see me and call me a fucking freak. I'm ugly and honestly at this point i rather die then even sleep tonight.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to SF. :hug:

    I'm really sorry for all you've gone through... especially the loss of your friend. I know there's nothing anyone can say to take away that pain.

    When you're trying for a relationship, you shouldn't have to talk someone into being with you. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be with a certain person, but that doesn't mean you'll never have a relationship. You deserve someone who WANTS to be with you, not someone that you have to persuade.

    When you say you're looking for a friend, I don't know if you mean IRL, or if it includes online. But there are a lot of people here who are feeling similar to how you are. I'm sure that, if you're open to it, you can make friends here and have people to talk to that you trust.
     
  3. Gonzo700

    Gonzo700 Member

    Way i look at it is a friends a friend weather its internet or irl. I have about 4 friends so all the online makes it better.

    Aside the relationship status she was just perfect it was more so that she led me on more than anything and getting hit that low just ... really hurts. And i have thoughts each day. At this point i feel like ending it tonight but this website i see some sort of hope..
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you don't end it. You've reached out here, you're trying. Don't give up on that.

    I'm really sorry you got hurt in your last relationship. Not many words there, except I've kinda been there and understand the pain. You don't deserve to be led on.
     
  5. Gonzo700

    Gonzo700 Member

    Nobody deserves to be led on not one single person in the world. But you know it still happens and it eats me inside, tears my heart apart and makes me think that being dead would show her what she done it would help her change.. Not even her it would make a change for every selfish women and man to change their ways of leading on others.
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're right, nobody deserves to be led on. But I don't think your death, or anyone's for that matter, would have the effect you want it to. Dying won't prove anything. Being alive, and actually talking... doing what you're doing here... can actually help.
     
  7. Gonzo700

    Gonzo700 Member

    When you think about that, imagine all the people who think all high and mighty of themselves. The preps, the popular good looking people in the world, wouldn't give a rats ass about what any depressed person is going through. They wouldn't listen to us , and even if they did money would be involved but it wouldn't change them? Not at all.
     
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