Feel like ending everything (long post, but please have patience)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AceInferno, May 24, 2014.

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  1. AceInferno

    AceInferno New Member

    Before I describe my situation, I know that my situation looks pretty illogical and there are places, I might not be able to explain properly. The post might be a bit long, but please bear with me.

    So, few things about me. I am an undergrad student in university, currently in my 3rd year. I am an international student, so I came here straight after finishing high school. I want to tell a bit about my history.

    I have a dream to be a game developer. I always had it. But in my country, the prospects of making a career out of it is pretty impossible in its current state. I was good in computers so I used to get good marks. Fast forward my last two years of high school. I got complacent and started ignoring my studies. Apart from computers, I got low marks in nearly every subject in my final examination. It was a pretty humiliating situation since all my classmates got decent scores. If I had left things be, I probably would have had to drop an year, to prepare for my college entrance examinations, since I didn't get into decent ones on my first attempt. Then, from somewhere, I got to know that some acquaintance of my parents' sent their son in a different country, who was pursuing the same career as I wanted. And long story short, I kind of went through the same process and I skipped my bad time where I would have had to prepare seriously for college entrance exams. But I didn't get any scholarships, so my parents had to take out loans for me. Till date, I still feel that I didn't deserve my spot here, since I didn't really had to work for here.

    Fast forward two years and all was going seemingly well. But I was not cured of my lazy and laid back ways. Here attendance was not strictly checked upon, so after a while, I started skipping classes regularly. I was so distracted that I spent most of my time in my room, watching something online or playing games. My final examinations of second year went a bit poorly. I nearly failed one module but I survived. But I realized something that even though I passed those subjects, from inside I never felt I was ever confident in those topics. Next year came and I probably went to just one class in my whole year. Failed a module and I was called upon by my department head. She told me that I can't go on to next year since my requirements for progressing were not enough. A normal, local student might have gotten the opportunity of repeating an year, but in my case, I was supposed to be forcefully graduated 2 years earlier with a bachelor's degree in computer science (I was doing master's in Games Dev) and there was no way around it. This happened, this February. That was the first time, I started getting suicidal thoughts. And you may ask the reason. It is because I can't face my parents and my girlfriend. The thing is, I love my parents. They have taken huge loans and have supported me in every possible way so that I can fulfill my dream. I can't go back and ruin my parents' image in society. Even though, they might not feel that way, but my parents (both working) have very good reputation in their jobs and are very much respected. And even more than this, I don't want to see their disappointed faces. I was their pride and I seriously messed up everything. The other reason being, I was in a relationship for 6 years. We were in long distance for so long, but she still preserved for me and worked hard so she could also get post graduate degree at a foreign university, so that we can meet and settle together. She is going to start her college this September. What can I say to her? All these years, I gave her hope and then I crush everything.

    But even after this, somehow, a light came into my life. I talked with my lecturer and he arranged a special resit for me, so I could pass his module. I was happy, but my bad nature came back. Right now, I have to give my final examinations of my third year. In fact, just 4 hours from now, I have an exam. But yesterday I got a mail which gave the marks of a project I did this year. This project was the most important one we had in whole year. And I ruined it. I failed. After reading those scores, all the preparation I was doing for today's exam, just went out of the window. I became so lethargic that it is so hard to concentrate. I didn't sleep. I couldn't. My life is over. All day yesterday, I just kept reading about ways to suicide. And ironically few years ago, I used to despise this. Everything has finished for me now. I don't even feel like going to this exam in 3 hours. I am so unprepared that it is laughable. My mind has lost all kind of tension. I just can't get anything inside my head anymore.

    Normally I go home during summer vacation, but this time I would be staying a while here before going. I might stay here till my results come out. After the exam gets over, no one will be home. I was planning to commit it during that period. The thing is, I don't even feel depressed. I just want to get over with this life. I was pathetic and remained for my whole life. The only regret I feel is towards my parents and my girlfriend. I wished I didn't think I was special and had done things the boring way. That way, I wouldn't have had high expectations about myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ask if you can redo the assignment you failed and get your ass in gear and pass this exam ok You have people who care about you now your turn to care ok about YOU do this
    talkto councilors at your school stay the summer redo whatever you failed through summer months and be proud of you You can graduate if you want that but school is nothing you should take your life over ok talk to someone there and talk to your parents they will not want to hear you have suicided no way in hell any parent should have to suffer that pain
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the very hard lessons which you have learned. Take consolation from the fact these are not uncommon lessons at all- it requires work ad effort to be successful at things. By your own admission that is what was lacking in the University so whether you get the opportunity there again or move on to a different field or University or endeavor completely you now should be able to self motivate yourself and find the self discipline to do the work even when there are other things that are more interesting or fun to be doing.

    You can apply this lesson to life in general and your suicidal thoughts, it may be easier to simply consider suicide or hide in the depression and use that to avoid the work ahead of you to sort things out- but it will not provide the good results of actually putting in the effort to talk to your family and girlfriend and devise a strategy to recover so you can repay your parents for the loans over time and go on to the life you have planned with your girlfriend. They all certainly have supported you enough so you owe the effort needed to continue to them. Instead of crying over the time and opportunity that is gone use your energy to figure out what options you have now and if you need help with those options then to plan how to explain them to your parents and set a plan in action to accomplish these things.
  4. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    Schooling isn't the end of the world!! You have very loving parents and a loving girlfriend just by how you describe. They love you and will support you no matter what. It took me 7 years to do my undergrad. After high school, I went to college for one semester and failed everything because I didn't go to classes. I had no interest in school, similar to you, I was lazy. I worked full time for 3 years before returning (thanks to a guidance counselor at my high school) and even then I transferred to 3 different schools because of my depression and various circumstances.

    You have to seek some help. The school will be understanding about depression and most likely will let you redo your schooling. But that's not the biggest reason why you need to get help, the reason is that you shouldn't ever hurt yourself over something so minor as school. It's not for everyone, and if you really want to be a game developer, then you'll find a way to work for it. Personally, I'd think your family and girlfriend who sacrificed a lot for you. If you were to do something, you'd break all of their hearts. I promise you that they will love you even if you work a minimum wage job the rest of your life.
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