Feel like everything is spiraling out of control

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Isis, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. Isis

    Isis New Member

    My depression and sucicidal thoughts is mainly caused by toxic people around me, and I can't escape them. I'm here too vent and find friends on similar grounds b/c I feel I have no where left too turn. This forum could be my savior and support. I need someone out there who knows how I feel too reach out too me, and I will reach back. I feel like all my friends have used me, and don't care. Like they only have me around for when they need someone.

    However they are the first too ridicule and hurt me .... my family is even worse. My parents were both alcoholics and my dad was physically and mentally abusive too me. I had too raise my little sister alone, and now we have no relationship either. I lost my awesome job and have been endlessly searching for one so my Boyfriend of six years and I can move in together. In the mean time I'm stuck here with my family still. I have contemplated suicide, but I love my boyfriend so much and he keeps me going. Just today when I didn't think things would get worse my sister came over and told me I was a lazy and useless.

    I worked sooo hard too become an Administrative Assistant at my former job, and now I want too find another job like that in the mean time I'm willing too work at small jobs too make ends meet as long as its something I enjoy doing b/c at this point I need too surround myself with things I like b/c any small thing can push me too doing something stupid. Thats why my sister said I was lazy and worthless b/c I won't just take a job anywhere. She seems too forget how hard I worked too become an office admin :/ and my depression doesn't help. My neighbors told me they would call the cops b/c she was being so loud and verbally abusive they couldn't believe it.

    I feel like a burden too everyone and like their life would be better without me ... the economy is so bad that finding anything is like a job in its self. I appreciate any suggestions, or positive encouragment, or comfort anyone can offer. I may not know you but it will make a huge difference in my life just too hear someone care a little bit.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well first off... welcome to SF hun. I think you'll see that this site is just about exactly what you are looking for. Being with others that can understand your pain and struggles. No one will judge you. A place that you can talk about all the things you cant in RL or let out the things that you have managed to put away deep inside. I hope you stay. Post all you need to. Sometimes just typing it out and knowing that someone esle is going to see it and read it helps heaps. Just getting it out. Letting go of it. I'm here and feel free to drop me a pm anytime you need someone to listen. :arms:
     
  3. Isis

    Isis New Member

    Thanks hun this means the world too me.... I look forward too helping others and making some friends as well. Even if all we have is eachother too keep each day going its worth it for me .... I try too see good in things but sometimes the bad is so hurtful its difficult. All these people who are suppose too love me just burn me.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It's the depression that makes us so vunerable. That makes us feel hurt deeper than others. Depression needs us to be weak, to hurt and to isolate so it can get stronger. But most importantly it needs you to feel alone. Well hun, you're arent any more. Drop me a pm anytime you like. I'm around here quite frequently. Nobody in RL seems to understand what we go through. But people here understand. So keep posting. Keep getting it out it does help :arms:
     
  5. Isis

    Isis New Member

    I feel like I have battled depression my whole life .... but since I had too be an adult at the age of 10 I blocked a lot of terrible things out ... causing my depression too stay under the radar. However as soon as I lost my job in 2009 after the stock market tumbled, and I am at home more .... I feel a lot of repressed memories coming back. I feel horrible for not having a job, and I wish I could work at a small boutique, craft store or makeup counter (something I would be good at) in the mean time but no where is hiring.

    My sister is 5 years younger then me and fails too realize its difficult too just take a job doing something you don't like when you worked so hard too perfect a career field.

    Ironically After I made this post yesturday (and after the huge fight with my sister) I had friends starting up with me too about something that I knew nothing about. So I made a NEW LIFE RESOLUTION ... I deleted all the people who hurt me and cause me pain from my facebook, and it was the best feeling ever. Just a small step ... but it took a lot of effort ... next is hopefully getting some medicine and starting too do my art again. I have just lost interest in everything I care about b/c of depression .... but I think I can get back there .... thanks you soooo much :console:
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you made some head way and feel a little better. And you're right on the mark with finding something that will get you out and surrounded by others. Wow, you really have a good sense of what you want and where you want to be. Now hold on tight to that hun. And I'll try to keep your spirits up and help you through as best I can. I'm really proud of the courage you have used. :arms: