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feel like I am a few steps away from doing it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hawkeye, Mar 4, 2015.

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  1. hawkeye

    hawkeye New Member

    Here is my background
    31 yo male. Had a job till about a month ago. Do have one but it seems like it is a dead end. Only worked 4 days this past month
    Never had a girlfriend no friends, parents are bitching at each other.

    As much as I hate to say it I blame my father for my situation. He thinks he is the best thing ever, always right, can do nothing wrong. When things do go wrong I am the one who gets blamed. The only free time I and my sister had was when he wasn't home. The moment he got home the fireworks started.

    When I got to the age I could work I worked as much as I could so I didn't have to deal with my father. I did have some friends back then but it slowly dwindled down to none.

    About 5 years ago I tried to change things and started to do something about it. I bought a house, going to the gym, trying to hook back up with friends, signed up for multiple online dating sites, became a foster to try and help get a date. Turns out that did nothing. Probably 3-400 women I tried to start something with. All I was looking for was someone with a decent job. High school education, car and in decent fitness. Someone like me. I did try single mothers but I am afraid since my patents weren't the greatest parents and I don't want to pass on the way they brought me up.
    In the end all I got was the welfare collecting, high school drop out with 4 kids from 4 different father's.

    Because my life has basically no meaning I have slowly given up. Stopped going to the gym, my house has became a mess, unable to sleep, multiple suicidal thoughts. I have even planned out multiple ways to kill my self. <mod edit - methods>
    This morning I woke up at 1am and instantly had more thoughts. It does seem to get worse but these past few days have been really bad. I do feel like I am only a few steps away from doing something. I am thinking I should do a few things first, like my house, ensuring my pets are taken care of and so on. I would look at getting help but I can't afford it.

    I do know it won't be really soon as my sister just lost her best friend, to put her through that and her brother committing suicide I won't do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2015
  2. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Those are excessively impulsive and painful ways to die, which tells me you're having a brain panic. Think a little more rationally. If you want to kill yourself because you feel you have no meaning, you make up a meaning you like. Meanings are personal things. They assign a purpose to what you like doing. That's separate from your relationship with other people, and it doesn't necessarily mean your meaning must have an impact on the planet, or that it must have something to do with people around you. When you do the things you like doing, you distract your brain from reality until you're able to deal with it again. If you have sleep trouble and time alone, find something you like to do. It doesn't have to be the things you want to do in the future. It just has to be something you like. For example, I like to draw. This is the method I use as an escape from reality. Different people like different things, so find something you like and focus on it. It won't fix your problems, but it will make you feel better so you have a chance to think about them sensibly. Don't feel guilty if you don't want to deal with them immediately, as long as you find ways to make yourself happy for a little while, you'll find the time.
  3. cocobird

    cocobird New Member

    If you don't have an income, you are entitled to full Medicaid, ALL hospitals and medical groups work on a sliding scale. You should look into getting insurance under obamacare, they have to give you coverage. I am 31/male too btw.. I have insurance through the exchange and in outpatient rehab for booze. They don't charge me anything, once you have coverage it's like 3$ for copay on prescriptions and they cover the cost of all appointments including a psychiatrist. Hang in there, even if they put you on a antidepressant it doesn't have to be forever.
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