Here is my background 31 yo male. Had a job till about a month ago. Do have one but it seems like it is a dead end. Only worked 4 days this past month Never had a girlfriend no friends, parents are bitching at each other. As much as I hate to say it I blame my father for my situation. He thinks he is the best thing ever, always right, can do nothing wrong. When things do go wrong I am the one who gets blamed. The only free time I and my sister had was when he wasn't home. The moment he got home the fireworks started. When I got to the age I could work I worked as much as I could so I didn't have to deal with my father. I did have some friends back then but it slowly dwindled down to none. About 5 years ago I tried to change things and started to do something about it. I bought a house, going to the gym, trying to hook back up with friends, signed up for multiple online dating sites, became a foster to try and help get a date. Turns out that did nothing. Probably 3-400 women I tried to start something with. All I was looking for was someone with a decent job. High school education, car and in decent fitness. Someone like me. I did try single mothers but I am afraid since my patents weren't the greatest parents and I don't want to pass on the way they brought me up. In the end all I got was the welfare collecting, high school drop out with 4 kids from 4 different father's. Because my life has basically no meaning I have slowly given up. Stopped going to the gym, my house has became a mess, unable to sleep, multiple suicidal thoughts. I have even planned out multiple ways to kill my self. <mod edit - methods> This morning I woke up at 1am and instantly had more thoughts. It does seem to get worse but these past few days have been really bad. I do feel like I am only a few steps away from doing something. I am thinking I should do a few things first, like my house, ensuring my pets are taken care of and so on. I would look at getting help but I can't afford it. I do know it won't be really soon as my sister just lost her best friend, to put her through that and her brother committing suicide I won't do.