Feel like I can't go on

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by kelzzz, Jan 16, 2007.

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  1. kelzzz

    kelzzz New Member

    I'm feeling the lowest I've ever felt right now. I apologise if this is long, you don't have to read it. Just feel like I need to get everything off my chest. Please comment or whatever if you feel you can help. Could do with a bit of support or something right now.

    OK, can't be bothered with the whole story. I've realised things that happened before aren't really the reason for the way I'm feeling now. I spent so much time clinging onto the hope that I had a reason for feeling the way I do. But I've realised I don't. Things that happened when I was younger did affect me but... I dunno... it doesn't totally make sense.

    So, I won't go into what happened or anything.

    But a few years ago I was bullied at school, left and went to a new school. I'd never had proper friends, the ones I had always left me or ended up bullying me/treating me bad in some way. When I went to this new school I didn't have much hope of things getting better. I'd never had friends so why should I find friends then? But after a few weeks a girl befriended me. At first the friendship wasn't great but we eventually became best friends. I felt like she was the only person I had and clung onto her like my life depended on it (at the time it felt that way). The way she acted towards me wasn't right though, I realise it now. But at the time I was so busy clutching onto her that I went into denial when other people told me the way she was treating me was manipulative. She had me under her thumb, she could make me do whatever she wanted and made me feel so small and insignificant. But, I'd never had friends (and I believed she was a proper friend) so I clung onto the hope things would change.

    I guess I can't really blame her completely, she had mental problems. I saw some things while I was "friends" with her that I never want to see again or talk about. But those few years when I was friends with her were the best of my life. But, like I said, I was in denial at the time and only now it's truly affecting me.

    I left school, we didn't keep in touch. It affected me then because I was still in a fantasy world believing she was all I had. But as time went on I realised she was no good for me, she'd screwed my life up totally.

    I went though a long time feeling low, so low. I self harmed, took overdoses and it was just generally crap.

    But in 2005 my life started getting back on track. I found something I was passionate about and found something I want to do with my life (which I never had before). For the first time in a long time things were good and I believed things would carry on being like that.

    But I was wrong.

    For a few months now the feelings/memories etc. from before have come back. Except this time they're even worse than before. I'm feeling so lost right now. I have things to live for, my future career, dreams etc. but when I'm feeling this low it doesn't feel like it's worth it. I've promised myself I'm not going to do anything silly. Well, I wouldn't be brave to anyway. But I feel like I can't cope with these feelings any longer. I feel like I'm suffocating and I can't go on. Right now I feel like I can't go through another week of this pain.

    For the last few days I've been feeling the lowest I've EVER felt.

    But today things have hit a all time low.

    Right now I have a friend. And this time I can tell she's a true friend. We've been friends for a while now and it's the sort of friendship I've never had before. And I'm so greatful for her help, support, company etc. She's the strongest person I've ever known. She's always happy, cheerful and willing to support me with anything.

    But just now she's told me her friend (who she's known for a LONG time) told her last night she's been sexually abused for 10 years and has never told anyone till last night. I don't know my best friends friend but I feel like I know her because my friend talks about her a lot. And this is completely tearing me apart because I hate to see my friend in pain and I hate that her friend is suffering and has suffered in silence for so long. I too was sexually abused when I was younger so I guess that's why it's hurting me more than it should. I can't stand my friend being in pain, I really can't. And I've been acting normal all day because she hadn't told me what her friend told her last night. Now I'm feeling so incredibly guilty for not being able to be there for her while she's suffering because she hadn't told me how much it's hurt her.

    I just feel like I'm being pushed over the edge, it feels like it's more than I can deal with. And I don't know what to do anymore.

    Sometimes I think maybe if I did still feel suicidal it would be easier, I could just end it. But I'm too much of a wimp to do that and I just don't feel suicidal. But I feel like I'm about to explode. I'm trying and trying to make things better but it's not going away. And things keep happening, memories keep coming back and I'm not sure how much more of it I can take, it's bound to push me too far one day and I don't know what I can do when it does.

    Just please, if anyone can help at all I'd be soooo greatful. Just don't know what else to do right now and I'm feeling really desparate. I feel so unsafe and... alone right now.
     
  2. delirium

    delirium Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry you had such a horrible experience with the friend that you mentioned early on and I know what it's like to cling to friends that use you. Sometimes it really does seem so much better than having no friends at all...even if that isn't true.
    I hope that since you've met your other friend you've realized that there are people out there who will be your true friends and who actually care about how you feel. :hug:

    It's really hard to see your friends in pain...especially when you know that they're going through something that you've personally suffered through... but it's not your fault and sometimes you can only help as much as someone will let you. Sometimes all you can do is try to be there when they need to talk. You didn't know that your friend was in so much pain and you certainly didn't know that her friend was suffering so much.

    It sounds like you need to have someone to be there for you as well.

    I do hope that writing this out here has helped you at least a little bit. There are lots of people here that you can talk to and if you ever need someone feel free to send me a pm.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2007
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