I am diagnosed with "double depression" due to an underlying lifelong case of dysthmia. I'm on 4 medications, all of which are either indicated for depression or an adjunct to antidepressants. I've been hospitalized 4 times for suicidal thoughts and to be honest the first three were not serious thoughts, just my way of trying to get someone to help me. Anyways in October (after my 3rd hospitalization) I tried to OD on my meds and my ex gf's meds combined and woke from my coma 5 days later in the ICU. A few months later I went back to the hospital and upon leaving decided to break up with my ex (who also suffered from depression) because I thought it might help both of us. It didn't. I'm growing sick of feeling like this. I've tried so many medications and none of them work. I feel so cold, numb and alone and I can't shake the feeling. I don't want to live a life like this and tonight the thought of committing suicide has popped back into my head. I'm not going back to the hospital again there's no point and I mean I'm probably going to go on to do it eventually anyways. I need to try and make a less impulsive decision but I fear I may decide to do it tonight and need someone to talk to that won't call the police on me to bring me back into the psych ward.