i started writing this then i was like... uh, carried away much?. 6000 words? this is a post, not a biography. lol anyway... to put it short, i'm bipolar, i've borderline personality disorder, and i'm in a wheelchair (have been for many years now). it's too the stage where i need constant round the clock help, with getting out of bed, dressed, having my meals baught to me, everything. mentally, i've no idea where i want my life to go anymore- i feel like i've tried every med under the sun, but with no success, and therapists always say the same things.. and it gets to be anoying. i have no idea what job or path i want to follow, i've sort of concluded that even if i wanted to do an office job, i'd need someone with me- sat next to me, all the time.. which right now, i don't have the only real support i'm currently getting is my brother, but he has other stuff to do in the days.. work, seeing friends, etc- so most days for me is a case of lying in bed, staring at the wall, maybe watching a bit of tv or being on the computer.. but that's really it. it's embarrasing- not even being able to sit up.. and i worry about the future- when i'm 40 or 50, is that what i really want?. having to ask someone oh... can you sit me up?. can you carry me out of bed to my chair? in a physical sense, i'm not really the greatest to look at.. in fact since i don't have much support (or self motivation) i kind of let myself go my arms/ wrists/ legs are covered in scars, and the rest of me looks like i'v just been dragged through a forest... so again, i am not really sure i could even feel i could do something (like work in an office) looking so aweful i just don't know anymore... the only 2 things i know for sure is, my mental health is atrocious (though i say that, i've not tried to kill myself for an entire year).. well 2 years now- i keep forgetting we're in 2013, and what ever i do- no matter how simple, i need constant support... and it's embarrasing, and sometimes upsetting- knowing that i don't have the people in my life who can make things work for me not sure what i want, or even if i want to be here anymore emily.