feel like i'm all ready dead

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emily83, Jan 12, 2013.

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  1. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i started writing this then i was like... uh, carried away much?. 6000 words?

    this is a post, not a biography. lol

    anyway... to put it short, i'm bipolar, i've borderline personality disorder, and i'm in a wheelchair (have been for many years now). it's too the stage where i need constant round the clock help, with getting out of bed, dressed, having my meals baught to me, everything.

    mentally, i've no idea where i want my life to go anymore- i feel like i've tried every med under the sun, but with no success, and therapists always say the same things.. and it gets to be anoying.

    i have no idea what job or path i want to follow, i've sort of concluded that even if i wanted to do an office job, i'd need someone with me- sat next to me, all the time.. which right now, i don't have

    the only real support i'm currently getting is my brother, but he has other stuff to do in the days.. work, seeing friends, etc- so most days for me is a case of lying in bed, staring at the wall, maybe watching a bit of tv or being on the computer.. but that's really it. it's embarrasing- not even being able to sit up.. and i worry about the future- when i'm 40 or 50, is that what i really want?. having to ask someone oh... can you sit me up?. can you carry me out of bed to my chair?

    in a physical sense, i'm not really the greatest to look at.. in fact since i don't have much support (or self motivation) i kind of let myself go

    my arms/ wrists/ legs are covered in scars, and the rest of me looks like i'v just been dragged through a forest... so again, i am not really sure i could even feel i could do something (like work in an office) looking so aweful

    i just don't know anymore... the only 2 things i know for sure is, my mental health is atrocious (though i say that, i've not tried to kill myself for an entire year).. well 2 years now- i keep forgetting we're in 2013, and what ever i do- no matter how simple, i need constant support... and it's embarrasing, and sometimes upsetting- knowing that i don't have the people in my life who can make things work for me

    not sure what i want, or even if i want to be here anymore

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hopefully coming here and talking to others you will see hun you are not so alone and get the support you need to continue to keep fighting hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi, I too hope that coming here helps. It sounds like you have quite a bit of challenge, with the physical challenges and then the emotional ones as well. You can meet people on the forum or in chat. Although some find chat a bit difficult. There are other people here who are in bed or a chair. Also, there are other people here who are bipolar and or have borderline personality disorder. I hope you will keep coming back here. Many have found lots of good support and friendhip here.
  4. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Hi Emily, glad you found this site. I'm sure there are plenty of people here to talk to and keep you company. I know you in such a hard place but there is always hope even if it is just the slimmest thread. Hang on and look around this site, there is a lot of information and loving people that want to help.
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