Feel like I'm at the end of the road.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blanket, May 1, 2015.

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  1. Blanket

    Blanket New Member

    Hi everyone,
    I'm really struggling right now. I'm a transgender guy and I've been dealing with anorexia for almost 10 years, with very brief periods of recovery. I've been fighting really hard to get into treatment, but I have no fight left.

    I live in Canada. The eating disorder program in my city refused to treat me because I was too high of a health risk and they weren't set up for cases of my severity, so they referred me to another city for a day hospital program. This would mean I'd need to commute there on the bus every day, which is very expensive. They assured me that my disability benefits would cover it, that they've gotten people covered before. So they referred me to the other program. This program lost my referral, so it was a fight to actually get in. When they finally saw me for assessment the choice was to start now or wait several more months. I chose now because I don't have several more months in me. I believed my disability benefits would come through for me.

    Yesterday morning I was on the bus to the other city to have my program orientation and my disability worker called to say she couldn't approve covering my transportation costs. I immediately called the program in my city that turned me down and sent me to the other city and I begged them to take me in, but they still refuse and want me to go to the other city. They drafted a letter and faxed it to my worker and are trying to help me get coverage. I still had to go through orientation, and the other program had a meeting about my problem and also drafted a letter saying this treatment was medically necessary and there was nothing for me in my home city. Both letters were faxed to my worker yesterday but she didn't return my call.

    I don't know what I'm going to do. The program wants me to show up at least on Monday, but I literally only have money to get there Monday. The amount of money it costs to bus there every day is expensive, and my parents are retired and can't help me. My dad wants to, but apparently they got a collections letter about a loan they consigned with me, so I feel really bad about that. They just don't have the money to give me, and I have nowhere to borrow it from.

    I'm so tired. I just want treatment, I just want to be better, but it likely won't happen now because I can't afford to pay for transportation even just for a couple of weeks until the disability stuff gets sorted out, IF it gets sorted out. I don't even know what the point of going on Monday is if I can't continue. There's no way my disability worker will have any news that fast.

    I'm not functioning, I'm not an independent adult, none of my friends talk to me anymore because they don't know what to do, and I'm a huge burden to my parents. I live alone but on disability and I'm quickly sinking under a mound of debt. I need treatment badly but it looks like it's out of reach.

    So I've been feeling pretty suicidal tonight. It's just going to be worse if I go to the program on Monday and then can't continue. I think about taking my own life, it would be easier for everyone. If I can last through until Monday, and I get back home and can't afford to continue treatment I believe I will be in danger. I hope that if it comes to that point I will call the mobile crisis unit in my city and talk to them. I will also be seeing the treatment program's psychiatrist on Monday so I will let them know of my feelings.

    I'm just so tired and so done. There's no fight left in me.
     
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    It's a huge headache to get the treatment you need, even with all stuff you got hanging over your head.

    You made it this far. Kudos to you, keep yourself busy until Monday and see what happens.

    Wish I could say more but just understand that feeling of being done. :hug:
     
  3. Blanket

    Blanket New Member

    Thanks. I should probably add that I also have bipolar I disorder and I've been hospitalized for it four times. I'm scared this is going to take me to number 5.
     
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