I know this is just me regressing a bit and I just have to fight through it. I am fantasising again. There was one where I call my T to apologize for failing to live. How ridiculous. That she would be disappointed in me for dying. Then there is me isolating again especially at work which brings on those cycles of paranoia, irritability and loneliness. Shame and worthlessness are making peeps to be heard. She doesn't want me going to a crisis center unless it is a dire necessity. That I need to work through these times using my emotional regulation skills. The last time I went I was hoping they would take the choice from me. There is a battle within me to maintain control while wanting to release it so that I can just stop and decompress for a little while. I have a few more weeks before the meds kick in, maybe, I doubt that they will make a difference. My depression seems like less like a chemical imbalance and more cognitively induced. Hope I can sleep soon. A new work week starts in 6 hours.