feel like im slipping again..need to vent

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by gem77, Dec 9, 2012.

  1. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    havent posted any threads in a little while, not being visiting this forum much but latley i find myself slipping into dark thoughts again and its getting to the point where it feels like im suffocating..things in my personal life have gotten bad again, im even more alone and i am tempted towards an easy way out. its never off my mind though.

    ...i have serious money problems such as dad gambling all of our money. we are struggling hugely. i have moved from being unemployed to having a job which sounds like a good thing but its a menial job. i dont connect well with my work colleagues. the job is soul destroying. feel like my degree has gone to waste. im under immense pressure due to our financial situation. each day is stressful. everyone is dependent on me, they expect me to be earning loads since im a graduate. there is no way this will happen even if it does it will be a long time before it happens. i have no real family except my mum and brother. my brother is slipping away as his gf expects a standard of living which we cant provide her. i see him less and less. my other so called family whom i rarely see even though we dont live far from them are very cold unloving people. they always put me down and bully me so ive isolated myself from them. this includes aunts uncles cousins, etc. i dont have any friends. the only girl i occasionally hang out with is very self absorbed. i dont like who i am. i constantly fantasise about a modified better version of myself that i want to become. i am longing to be loved even though i find it hard to feel the emotion myself. there are days where i grow very cold and feel apathy towards everything and everyone. i feel nothing towards my father. never been in a relationship or had a boyfriend. i was sort of happy a short while ago when i started this new job of mine. sounds silly but i had a crush on this guy i worked with, nothing serious but the fact that i felt this gave me something to focus on and yes it was a distraction even though i could never be with him the fact that i had him to focus on gave me something in my life. this infatuation ended about a week ago. i saw him in a different light and my interest waned..no surprise there plus he likes another girl who is very mean and quite bitchy. i have gone back to not caring about anything and constantly looking for something to bring me the slightest happiness in my life. the idea of self harm has crossed my mind. it may sound juvenile but at least it would give me something to do. i dont like myself. i know ive probably already said this but i have to emphasise it. i cant stop over-thinking things. y life is going no where, i dont have anyone apart from my mum but this relationship is becoming strained. i feel totally alone and empty. dont see the point of anything. the only thing i could do that would have any significance is to end my life before i become something that i will regret. i dont think i can handle being a nobody, someone who just gets by, a meaningless life.

    needed to vent here as this is the only place i can share what im really thinkig since i have no one to talk to. rant over....for now
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you came here to vent instead of resorting to self harm as a way to deal. I am not sure what guidance or ideas I should share and as I think you placed it here more to vent and rant than for guidance or help I will not try - but if you decide you want ideas I would be happy to take a closer look and share any might have.

    Please be safe and know that people do care and are listening ....

    Ben
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs toyou hun Hope you are feeling better today
     
  4. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    thanks for responding. i think im way past help. i think im just waiting for something or someone to push me to do what is always at the back of my mind. each day i feel more and more empty....
     
  5. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    thank you. but i feel the same. ...i hope you are well.