..feel like I'm suffocating.......

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Lady Byron, Aug 15, 2006.

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  1. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    I feel really weird posting this. Some person on another website recommended this site. She said that they have a "self injury" posting place or whatever. I just need to get everything out. A few years ago (when I was 12) my cousin, who shall remain unnamed, came over to our house and spent the summer with us. Well, when she went back home (when school was about to start up again), her dad decided he didn't want her anymore. He was going to give her back up to the state because his girlfriend at the time totally hated her. My mom was outraged and told him that if we all agreed, this certain cousin could come live with us. I was totally happy. She wouldn't be treated like crap anymore and I could have someone to talk to (just a little f.y.i. I have a 14 yr. old brother (right now, in the present), a 11 yr. old brother, and a baby sister who is 7 yrs. old, and then there is me, the black sheep among the white sheep, who is turning 16 in October.). Well, as I said before, I was 12 years old at the time. I didn't know what kind of disaster I was getting into when I agreed. My dad didn't want her there though. He didn't give a reason, but he just didn't want her to live with us. It took a few months, but about a week before our birthdays (mine and my dad's: I'm the 26th of October, my dad is the 27th of October), we convinced my dad to say alright. I was SUPER happy!!! I couldn't believe we had changed my dad's mind! She finally moved in the night of my Parent/Teacher conference and as we drove home (me, my mom, and my cousin) we all shared what had happened since she had left. So we came home and the next day we had school and everything went fine until a few months later when I noticed that my stuff would end up missing. I told my mom my cousin was taking my things (just lipgloss and other girlie items), but she just told me my jealousy was starting to get out of control. I was shocked. I couldn't believe my mom had said that. Well, during Christmas, things got worse. I had gotten two new cds (Trapt and Evanescence) and I was totally happy becuase I had wanted them SO bad! Well, we went back to school a few weeks after that and I went to school and came home. I went to go listen to Trapt and noticed that both of my new cds were gone. I was so mad! My cousin didn't come until a little bit later because she was still in elementary school and I was in the middle school. Well, anyway, I called my mom and told her all about my cds and stuff. "Well since you're complaining so much, we'll check her backpack when I get home." she had said. I was so enraged!!! When my mom came home, she made my cousin empty out her backpack, and oh my god, she had my cds. I wanted to kick her and punch her until she was black and blue, but I kept my cool. Well, it all went downhill from there. I had started out the school year with A's and B's, but by the time school was out, I had C's and D's, and in my favorite class (science) I had and F. After school was out, I had no where to go. My friends would call and ask me to come over and I would reject their offers because I was afraid that while I was away my cousin would steal my stuff. My mom would ask me what I was doing whenever I went into my room and closed the door. I started losing a lot of weight ( I was kind of happy because I had been fat), but it was because of not eating. One day I just ate breakfast, lunch and dinner ( I was trying to lose weight the healthy way) and excersized a little, but that's not the point of this totally true memory. Well, the next school year I was an 8th grader and I was totally unhappy. I didn't want to go to school at all. I was nervous. I hadn't really talked to any of my friends all summer and there had been "an incident" at one of my friend's birthday parties that I had agreed to go to (my mom was happy I had gotten out of the house) and my friend Melissa was so mad at my best friend Cheyenne and so I was stuck in the middle. Not only was I stressed that Cheyenne and Melissa were fighting, I was stressed because my cousin still lived with us. I started losing sleep, and I then started feeling like a pariah. In elementary school I had a lot of friends, in Middle School I had friends (not as many as in Elementary, but still a lot), and now I was almost friendless. Cheyenne was the only friend that totally stuck with me during the black periods when I was totally suicidal. Nobody knew that of course, but I kept a journal and I still have it. Well, that was two school years ago, and things haven't gotten much better. On November 5, 2005, I had a quinceanera (Mexican Tradition) and I met this guy (who is definitely my best friend) and I love him to death. He is the only one who understands me. Well anyway, he's a little bit older than me and so my mom forbids that I talk to him. Well I have been and keeping it a secret is taking a tole on everything. I'm totally stressed, I don't sleep very well, and to add everything on top of my secret, my cousin still lives with us. I started cutting myself in June (2006) because I needed something to distract the pain I was feeling inside. I keep everything in. I always do. My mom tells me not to, but it's so hard. When I try to talk to her, she gets mad at me because I feel the way I do. The only person who knows that I cut myself is my brother (the 14 yr. old) and I regret telling him. I cut myself on Friday (August 11, 2006) and on Saturday (Aug. 12) he grabbed my arm and pushed on the cut and asked very loudly what had happened. Well, all of my family members asked me what happened and I said that I had scratched myself. It was embarrassing. So I know I can't talk to my brother anymore. I tried to tell my best friend Nathan, but my 14 yr. old (and going to be 26 yr. old brother) said if I do they will beat the crap out of me. So I have another thing to worry about. I love my life. :dry: But hey, someone else out there always has it worse than me, so I try to keep my chin up. It's hard, and sometimes I hate it, but I do it. I feel a little better getting it off my chest now. Even if no one reads this, I got it off my chest. I still feel like I'm suffocating though. Nobody wants to help either. Oh well, I know I can get through it.... I hope...
     
  2. Snugglepuss

    Snugglepuss Member

    Oh my god.. So sorry you have been through all of this :sad: It sounds like you have been through alot, and theres been a load of bullshit and lies happening in your life... As you feel that you cant talk to anyone in your life at the moment, Im glad that you have decided to post on here as we are happy to try and help you get through this... It sounds like you need some time away from your family, try to go out as often as you can with the people that make you happy. Also, I know I cant tell you to stop cutting, but I would be happy if you tried. When you feel like doing it, run a sink full of cold water, and dunk your head in for at least 30 seconds (Or as long as you can hold your breath), I am not sure how this works, but I read about it somewhere and I know it makes me forget about cutting.

    If you ever need to talk, feel free to Pm me :smile:

    Please take care, wishing that you feel happier soon

    Snugglepuss XxX
     
  3. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    What I hate the most is that... sometimes, I feel like I can stop and I feel fine. And then there are the days that I feel like I need to do it. I just hate it so much... None of my friends would understand what I am going through. I have a few friends left. Other than that I am all alone. It really sucks... Sometimes I can't stand my family. Urgh... and I hate that I have become such an emotional person. I never used to be so emotional. Sometimes when I can't get out and I end up cutting, I feel so pathetic. Like I will never amount to anything. So many things have happened to me in the short period of time I have been alive. Some of them great, but most of them bad. I think I'll try the dunking my head in cold water. Sometimes I take a walk, and that helps sometimes too.
     
  4. Snugglepuss

    Snugglepuss Member

    Yeah I understand what you mean... One minute you feel fine, and the next, something happens and you just totally flip and all your emotions rise to the top again.. The important thing is to try and stop this.. When you feel like your anger is building up, you need to let it out in a non-dangerous way - Crying, shouting, screaming - these all help, however, it may not be the time or place or these at tiems, to like you said, taking a walk is a rather good solution for it.. Please dont feel pathetic! A lot of people have taken up self-harm as well and it is addictive, but like most bad habits, you need to try and break them..

    Feel free to PM me if that would help

    Snugglepuss XxX
     
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