feel like such a fraud

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dazzle11215, Dec 6, 2010.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    totally clammed up in therapy tonight. could barely make eye contact. couldn't tell her about the dream i had friday, the flashbacks. yet here i am suggesting therapy for other people, saying how much i trust my therapist, how much i like her, how much she helps me.

    all i could say was i wanted to tell her something but i was too scared to put it into words. that was enough to set my heart racing and my mind flying all over the place.

    all i want to do since friday is cut and cut and cut some more. i have so much self hatred. i feel so disgusting, so dirty. i am having a meltdown. this afternoon i thought to myself "i wish i were dead" and i know that's not true. i just wish i didn't feel this way.

    in the end we agreed i should try and leave some of it with her, that we could talk about it in the future but for now i should get it out of my system. i wrote it down on a piece of paper and she sealed it in an envelope. i get to decide when we open the envelope and begin to talk about it.
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Dont feel like a failure, its hard to talk about some things, feel proud that you made it to therapy, you walked in and sat there waiting to go back there, and that youve made another appointment to go back. Therapy is so stressful in itself, and its supose to help you huh.

    Maybe next time, can you tell her to put some music on or something to calm you? Or if you can put your thoughts on a piece of paper and hand it to her when you get there, that way you dont have to start the conversation, and once you get started it will be hard to stop.
  3. VCircle

    VCircle Active Member

    it sounded like you both had a good strategy for getting thru the session. She knew it was too painful, but addressed it all the same and all the words are packaged up for you to open when you can.

    The reason why people - like me - are reading your words and your supportive suggestions and great advice about therapists and trust etc - is that very clearly you are walking the walk. I will accept your advice much more readily as you are in my shoes as well and know what you are talking about.

    Don't stop helping people.
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    That's not failure, that's part of the therapy and you're doing really well. It might not seem like it but your therapist would have been able to tell a lot just by the way you were behaving. You've obviously built up a great relationship if you were able to act this way in front of her.
    You give good advice on these forums and your personal experience is what makes the advice good. Don't feel like a fraud because you're not one.
    Sending hugs xxxx
  5. inno

    inno Member

    This doesn't make you a 'fraud'. A lot of people feel they can't mention things, even to therapists, and it takes a lot of effort to talk to anyone about those things, even trusted therapists. :/
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