totally clammed up in therapy tonight. could barely make eye contact. couldn't tell her about the dream i had friday, the flashbacks. yet here i am suggesting therapy for other people, saying how much i trust my therapist, how much i like her, how much she helps me. all i could say was i wanted to tell her something but i was too scared to put it into words. that was enough to set my heart racing and my mind flying all over the place. all i want to do since friday is cut and cut and cut some more. i have so much self hatred. i feel so disgusting, so dirty. i am having a meltdown. this afternoon i thought to myself "i wish i were dead" and i know that's not true. i just wish i didn't feel this way. in the end we agreed i should try and leave some of it with her, that we could talk about it in the future but for now i should get it out of my system. i wrote it down on a piece of paper and she sealed it in an envelope. i get to decide when we open the envelope and begin to talk about it.