Feel like there is no reason to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by D-503, Aug 1, 2011.

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  1. D-503

    D-503 Member

    Hello all,

    I've been feeling suicidal for the past few months. This began when I found out my wife had had an affair. We'd only been married 9 months at the time. Since then, my confidence and self-worth are zero. I've been studying for a Masters degree, but I've been so depressed, it's been hard enough keeping myself sane and I've completely abandoned my uni work. I haven't paid my rent for three months and today I got my first wage from my new job, which I've had to give to my landlord. Next month's wage will pay off more debts.

    I've tried to make my marriage work, and things have gotten better since I first found out about the affair. My emotions have calmed, but still every day I think about killing myself. I wake up, go into auto-pilot to get ready for work. Then as soon as my mind is unoccupied for a moment, I begin to think about suicide. If I'm not constantly stimulated, I just begin to think about ending it. I actually get depressed when I finish work, as I know I'll have to go home, and be able to hear my own thoughts again.

    I got very close twice. The first time I fully believed I was going to do it. I wrote a note, and I took a <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I stayed like that for about 30 minutes. In the end I couldn't do it. I don't know why. And then about two weeks ago it was similar, but I didn't write a note that time.

    I'm not afraid of not being alive, I really genuinely believe I have no reason to keep on living. I know it will hurt people, such as my parents, who won't even know why it's happened, but then again, and this sounds selfish, I'll be dead, so it won't matter to me then. I am scared of the act itself, I worry I'll mess it up and just be left in a coma or braindead my whole life.

    I've thought throwing myself from a building would probably be the most surefire way to do it right, and have no chance of survival, but it seems a horrible thing to do. Despite what she's done I still love my wife, and I'd hate for her to have to identify me like that.

    She says if I killed myself, she would too. But I don't think this is true. I don't believe she loves me enough.

    Sorry, this has been written in a kind of stream of consciousness way. It may not all make sense. Please ask questions if you need more information. I don't really know what I expect from this forum. I just haven't spoken to anyone else about all this, and I thought it would be good to think that another human being may actually care.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you how devastating it must of been for you hun I do hope for your marriage sake you get councilling okay Marriage councillor can help build the trust between you and her again It will take time hun but you need help to surivive such a blow. Please reach out to marriage councillorokay or just a therapist a psychotherapist for you to help YOU heal hugs
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi D-503,

    No worries - your post makes sense to me. :hugtackles:

    I'd also like to say shame on your wife for her infidelity. :( I think total eclipse summed it up great when she said that your marriage breakup (or rather, what your ex-wife did to you) was "devastating."

    :hug:

    With care,

    Alex
     
  4. D-503

    D-503 Member

    Thankyou both of you.

    It just keeps getting worse and worse. I've not even said the half of it.

    She also told me he was the best sex she ever had.

    She also told him she was pregnant. It wasn't true, but she said it.

    She didn't make him wear a condom.

    Today, she came home from work, and told me that one of her friends overheard him telling someone all about what happened. And he told them that he didn't even enjoy it - and that was the part that upset her! And she had the audacity to say to me 'but I know he's lying because he did enjoy it'.

    I mean, when I write all this down here, I think, this is insane, why on earth would I stay with this woman? What the hell is wrong with me?

    But I can't see how I can live without her either.

    And I'm thinking, how can I face going to work in the morning? How can I be all smiles? What the hell am I going to do?
     
  5. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    She's a monster and deserves no respect from anyone. Just drop her like a rock and leave, move on man.

    Stand up and be strong, you're fighting for your Masters...so rise like a phoenix.
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    OMG this kind of post makes me ashamed to be a woman :eek:hmy:
    This is cruelty beyond cruelty and no wonder you are depressed.
    Go see your doc and get some anti depressants and also ask about counselling.
    You need someone safe and impartial to talk this thru with, because deep down you must be absolutely fuming and that in its self can make you depressed.
    Get the depresion treated and the counselling in place and then you will be able to see clearly where you want to go from there. :hug:
     
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    If your married - infidelity is the final nail in the coffin.

    Her comments are that of an insecure woman - using her sexuality as a weapon - using it to belittle you.

    Only a real nasty woman would make remarks like that - its hurtful and made to be that way! She has made a mistake - had some furtive copulation with a man who likely would have done anyone that night - she happened to be there - so its not like she has actually proven anything apart from the fact that most men would say anything to get their way.

    If she believed him - maybe she ought to move in with him and let him look after her.

    In reality her encounter was likely nothing special - she feels guilty about it - and that self hate pops out with hurtful remarks to you.

    So sure - some woman will use that trick to get at men. Some men use it to get at woman.

    Some women will never be satisfied no matter what. Maybe they watch too much sex in the city and expect too much. Or maybe some don't really say what they do want. I mean, each to their own - good sex is a lot of different things to different people. What works for one will not for the other.

    She married you - so if she whines about your performance - tell her that your thankful for her honesty because you were feeling bored to death also and maybe its time to split.

    Her line of attack is so primitive and childish.

    Why wait 9 months to complain?

    But its possible she has issues - and some heart to heart might shed light on it. I don't know really - I just know I'd never stick around long enough to even find out. By then its too late. You cannot blame it on depression. People with depression who are happily married know that infidelity is a mixture of lust and betrayal.

    Could be that your short marriage was always failed to end this way - did you know her long before you took the plunge?

    My commiserations by the way.

    There are lots of divorced people around.
     
  8. D-503

    D-503 Member

    Thankyou for your support everyone. I'm really glad I joined up here, it's so good to be able to talk about this!

    I think I should provide a little more context for what I've said before.

    We're both only 23, so we married pretty young. She's said that part of the reason she did this was because of the fact that: her parents were very over-protective of her, before she met me she'd had sex once, and that had been a drunken one-night-stand she didn't enjoy. Whereas before I met her, I'd had a serious relationship (2.5 years) and a couple of other girlfriends. I'd also lived a lot more. When she met me I was a drug addict, I used to smoke cannabis all day every day, but she helped me turn myself around and quit smoking completely. Until recently I hadn't smoked any for about two years.

    The guy she had the affair with smokes a lot of cannabis, and she's got into it now too. I worry because I know the signs of dependency and she shows them. Personally, I think there's nothing wrong with recreational drug use if you know your limits and are careful, if you smoke the odd spliff with your friends I think that's fine. What's bad is when you have to smoke to feel ok. Drugs to enhance a good feeling is ok, drugs to try and make bad feelings go away is bad. That's what I think anyway.

    We've been together for about 4 years. We met at uni when we first started. We lived together almost instantly, as we were in the same Halls of Residence so she used to live in my room basically. Then we moved into a shared house together, then a flat and now a house, so we've lived together for 4 years essentially.

    I should also mention that I've not been the best husband. I've never done anything particularly bad, but I put on a lot of weight (I weighed 7 stone when we met (I'm 6' tall, so I was dangerously skinny) and my weight reached a peak last year of about 16 stone, so I more than doubled. This was mostly due to me quitting the cannabis, which suppresses your appetite. I've now lost about 4 stone in the last few month, so I look ok now - still a little bit of fat here and there, but I look normal, healthy). I was maybe too neglectful, I've always been one of those 'everything will be ok' kind of people, when in fact I think she found this frustrating. I'm also a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning and stuff, which she hates, and I've tried to stop. I also spent too much time on the computer, playing online games and stuff. I've put a stop to that completely now. I now spend like 10 mins a day online, it used to be hours and hours. I was also unemployed or employed for only a few hours a week for about 6 months. She really hated this. It wasn't just the money worrying, she lost her respect for me, and saw me as pathetic.

    So all this was going on when she had the affair. She's also been dealing with a lot of issues from her childhood. At Christmas her Grandad died, and he raised her until she was 7. Her Dad was abusive to her, verbally and physically, he's also a bit crazy, he's said some disgusting things to her. She attributes a lot of what happened to him. He's never sexually abused her, but he's said some awful things, about how women should be, and how sex should be done, I mean disgusting things.

    So, please don't judge her too harshly. This is another thing that is difficult for me: I'm so incredibly angry at her, but I know all this, I know how tough things have been for her, and I want to comfort her and help her, but at the same time there's a voice in me that says 'You don't owe her anything, she should be begging you to stay'. I've always been an emotionally strong person, and I've always been the kind of person that, I don't feel I'm owed anything, if you see what I mean. I've never felt I deserve anything - not in a depressing way so much as just that I'm nothing special. But now, because of what happened, I do feel I deserve something, but I don't really know what to do with this feeling.
     
  9. D-503

    D-503 Member

    Also, when she told me that he was the best she'd ever had, it wasn't like it came out in anger.

    For a few days, I'd been trying to subtly get her to say that I was better. I can't remember the phrase I used. Anyway, I said it for about the fourth time and she sort of smiled and turned away. I said 'you know I've said that several times and you've not corrected me once', and she replied, 'I'm sorry, I can't lie to you'. This was a point at which I'd just got over the initial hump, the shock and horror part, and then hat hit me like a ton of bricks. Because, well, I'd always thought I was quite good, sexually, and then I began to realise she was completely unsatisfied and I'd not been doing it how she wanted at all. My self-worth and confidence just crashed completely, and I've still not recovered at all.

    I mentioned in the above post about how I'd gained a lot of weight and then lost some, but now I'm just disgusted when I see myself. My face looks incredibly fat to me, and I just see this huge fat guy in the mirror. I've lost a lot of weight now, but some of it won't shift - these goddamned man boobs! I mean, they're not huge, but, can anyone tell me, what exercise do you do for that area, for the chest? I'm really disgusted by myself.

    I do 700 exercises a day, 300 sit-ups, 100 lunges, 100 star jumps, 100 weights and 100 press-ups - the weight just vanished off at first but now it's getting tougher. I don't know if I'll ever get back to my original size.

    I should also mention what happened last night. I think I spoke above about when she told me her friend overheard him talking about it, and my wife was upset that he said he didn't enjoy it. Well, I was very depressed all night. I sat outside and chain-smoked for a bit, then I came and sat in bed, smashed a few things (by the way, if anyone else has anger problems, try smashing things - I mean unimportant stuff, I have a rotten tree I kick the crap out of, it's really good therapy) and then I began to get nauseous and dizzy. I started wretching and I ended up vomiting so forcefully I threw up blood and I've pulled all the muscles in my torso. So I'm off work today, maybe tomorrow too. I can't eat solids for the next day or two either.
     
  10. D-503

    D-503 Member

    I've made a doctor's appointment for this afternoon, you're right it's time I got some help.

    Some more info:

    After she told me about the affair (to note, it happened on two separate occasions, and they had sex twice both times, so it wasn't just a drunken one off - oh, and I should also note, the second time, she told me she was meeting her friend because her dad had died - her dad had not died, she'd lied about it) she decided to be more open and honest with me, so she began telling me everything, every time a guy flirted with her at work, and there's one guy at her work who openly admitted in front of everyone how much he fancied her, and she talks to this guy all the time on facebook (I just realised I didn't mention, the guy she had the affair with is someone from her office - she still works there, I've begged her to leave but she won't - it's not even a good job, it's minimum wage, this is one of the main things that makes me doubt the future of our relationship, it's the only thing I've asked of her and she won't do it, and it's something I desperately need to be able to move on). However, after she told me that she'd told the guy she was pregnant (which, to me, is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard anyone ever doing, and it makes me think, why does she want him to care, why does she want him to become attached to her in any way, if she doesn't still fancy him?) I told her she only had one chance left. She'd had the affair, which most people would have left her over, but I gave her another chance, then she told the man she'd slept with she was pregnant (remember, they didn't use any protection, no condom, no pill), so I said, that's it, I can't take any more of this drama, one more thing and I'm done. I don't want to, I love her and I want to be with her, but I can't let her keep driving me to the brink of insanity like that. But now, I'm very worried that things are still going on, but she just doesn't tell me because she knows she's on her last warning.

    I've read that the trust will eventually come back, but it will take a long time. I hope it's not too long.
     
  11. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hugtackles:

    Just letting you know I read the extra context you wrote. That was very helpful for us to see more of what might be troubling you. I just saw you in chat before you left for your doctor's appointment, but I didn't get to wish you luck at your appointment... :(

    Therefore, why not do it now!!!

    Hope your doc's appointment goes well, D-503! :) :hug:
     
  12. D-503

    D-503 Member

    Thankyou Alex. :)

    The doctor as referred me to a councillor and also gave me some material to work with. She wants me to see her every few days until I begin seeing the councillor. She's putting me through as a priority to see the councillor - normally you have to wait weeks, even months, but she's getting me an appointment next week.

    She was particularly concerned about my eating and weight loss. I didn't really realise how badly I thought of myself until I started talking to her, I could feel the tears welling up, this is rare for me, I very rarely cry. I think I've cried twice in the last 10 years.

    She also seemed very worried at one point; she asked me 'what would it take for you to not go through with it?' (suicide) and I couldn't think of anything. What it would take is some kind of magic wand that would make everything ok again

    Also, I begged my wife to leave her job again. And she's flatly refused to. I even told her, this would be the biggest thing that would really help me, and she won't. I can't tell her that that would be such a help that i may actually divert me off the course of killing myself, because that's emotional blackmail. But to me, it reinforces how little she cares about me. Like I said, it's not a good job, it pays minimum wage, and most people only do it for a few months. She's done it for two years. There's only one other person in her office who's done it that long: the guy she had the affair with. As long as she works there, more crap is going to come up.

    Another thing I should mention, I've been entertaining the thought of beating up this guy. I'm not a violent person at all, I have never, ever been in a fight in my life, ever. I avoid confrontation. However, I can't help but feel that it would help restore some of my feeling of masculinity, of self-worth, as now I feel completely emasculated. My wife has begged me not to do it as she thinks she'll lose her job and he might do something bad in revenge, like beat her up or do something to our house, or tell the police (I've never had any kind of police record - the thought of being arrested did scare me at first, but as I've become more depressed and more convinced I'm going to end it all anyway, I've become less concerned with this). There's also the fact that he's a smug, arrogant ******, and I'd love to wipe the smile off his face. When he first found out she'd told me, he was genuinely scared. He's like 12" shorter than me, I would destroy him in a fight, but now, two months have passed and I've not done a thing, he's full of arrogance again.
     
  13. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi again D-503! :)

    Just some thoughts:

    1) I don't want you to get into trouble with the police (your record is clean, and I want it to stay that way), so I hope you don't resort to any violence against the man your wife has had an affair with. Arrogance is something that annoys me very much. :( I understand that you don't think highly of him, and I don't blame you. :hug:

    2) I always wished there was some magic wand. On another note, I'm glad the doctor you mentioned took your suicidal thoughts seriously.

    3) Good luck at your appointment tomorrow; I hope it goes well for you!

    :hugtackles:

    Take care,

    Alex
     
  14. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    There is a reason to live. You are working toward a degree. You must have some view of yourself in the future. You are going through a rough time. People care about you, eventhough I only know you through this electronic medium, I do care about your survival and success. Affairs happen everyday to so many people. Look at the divorce rate in this country. Realize that you have a choice and it is the only one. You can repair this situation or move on. Your life is worth more than any relationship. I am alone by choice. I see so much pain caused by relationships and have gotten the short end of the stick everytime I ever got involved.

    Keep on pushing, if this person values you they will work to fix things, if not, move on. Your life is worth more than any relationship. Why hurt your family and friends over this? It is not fair to them.

    Joe
     
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I say kick her to the curb.. She shows no remorse for what she did and even finds it amusing..You don't need someone like that in your life..I'm speaking from experience.. I went back to my wife six times and she cheated on me every time... The only reason I went back so many times is because of my daughter.. I wanted her to have both parents.. I had plenty of chances to cheat on her but never did.. Call me old fashion..
     
  16. D-503

    D-503 Member

    Thankyou for the comments everyone!

    I'm doing better at the moment. A few days ago me and my wife had a big argument, which helped break the tension, and after that we've been doing well, been a lot happier, doing fun things together. If things continue like this everything will be fine, I just hope nothing else bad happens.

    @ Mr. Alex: You're right, and I don't want to get in any police trouble. I'm not going to seek him out to get him, but if for some reason I meet him in the street, I'm not sure I could restrain myself.

    The doctor really did take me seriously, which was a big relief. I've got to meet her again this week so she can keep checking up on me, and she's given me links to some useful resources.

    @ bipolarjoe: One of the things you said there really struck me: 'if this person values you they will work to fix things'. This is true, it worries me as I notice she's not done much to help me. But she's dealing with a lot herself too. She hates herself for what she did, which has meant rather than her being able to simply spend time making it up to me, she actually has a lot of issues to resolve herself first. Ideally, we'd spend some time apart, get ourselves fixed, and then get back together, but unfortunately we can't do that.

    @ stranger: I understand what you're saying, and, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I hope my relationship with my wife doesn't develop the same way. This is the first time she's cheated. I've told her that if it happens again, that's it, we're through, and she's agreed to this. So I hope this is enough to stop it happening again.
     
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