Feel like there's no way out?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Emmab, Mar 5, 2011.

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  1. Emmab

    Emmab New Member


    Not sure why Im posting here,but I don't have any friends and can't talk to any of my family. I tried to kill myself when I was 14 (I really thought that a whole box of paracetamol would be lethal, didn't even get a tummy ache) for most of this year I've been wishing I'd done it properly.

    When we move house my husband says he'll leave me if I don't have a baby. Ive always known he wanted one but thought as I got closer to 30 I'd want one like everyone else but the older I get the more I feel repulsed by the whole idea of having children. My sister is younger than me but she had a baby last year and since then I feel under a lot of pressure to be normal and just have one, everyone at work keeps asking if I' m broody yet but I feel like that whole baby part of my brain must be missing. I tried so hard to like my sisters baby but I don't even like touching him. What kind of evil freak doesn't even like their own nephew?
    I feel like my husband would be better of without me and my family would barely notice if I was gone. The alternative is to spend the rest of my life desperatly pretending to be normal and trying not to damage our future child to much with my shit

    My husband said if he'd known I didn't like kids he would not have married me, so know I don't really mean anything to him I'm just a womb with legs as he' d hapily exchange me for a baby that doesn't even exist yet if he could. I'm amazed he's stayed this long anyway, I 've always been a worthless freak, our whole marriage I've just been waiting for him to notice like my family already have.

    Sorry for the long rant. If I knew a way of doing it that was foolproof I'd be doing it instead of wasting everyone's time
  2. vallonia

    vallonia Member

    In so many ways I feel as you do I cant talk with anyone.
    I tried to hang myself age 22, I am 62 now.
    I also feel if I disappeared no one would notice.
    My wife is very ill when she goes I have nothing to stay for.
    My mind thinks of ways to go when I sit and
    think, you are not alone thinking as you do Emma
  3. Emmab

    Emmab New Member

    I'm sorry about your wife :(
  4. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    im sorry things are like this for you emma
    why do people have to put pressure on people who dont want children
    i dont even like other peoples kids especially the rest of the familys your not alone and your not a freak
    you know you dont want kids that makes you a better person than those who have kids for wrong reasons ok

    and youre wasting no ones time
    feel free to chat anytime xx
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Noyhing says you have to have a baby..Your husband is being selfish..Not everyone is made out to be a parent..If he leaves then it is his loss..
  6. Stormrider

    Stormrider Well-Known Member

    The two of you never talked about having kids before you got married ?
    Anyway you shouldn't get pregnant if you don't really want a baby yourself, it wouldn't be good for you and the kid.
    He can leave but he can't demand you get pregnant.
    I hope you can work it out somehow. I know a couple that are married for about 20 years i think and both of them never wanted kids and they still are very happy. It has noting to do with being normal.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2011
  7. Emmab

    Emmab New Member

    I don't have a choice really. I've done nothing but stack shelves with my life if he divorces me I'll be homeless. It's better if he makes all the choices mine are always stupid anyway. Maybe it won't be that bad everyone else manages, it's just hard to keep smiling and pretend like I'm exited for the future when inside I'm wondering why I haven't ended it yet. I can't make him happy anyway I seem to poison everything I go near

    Sorry I must have a ton of typos, trying to type on my iPod
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You are right to stand up to him on this issue. It is your body. And having children is a lifetime commitment. Isnt like you can just say after a year or two, okay I'm finished playing mommy. And how much time is he willing to commit? The late night feedings and diaper changes. The firsts that happen. The driving to after school activities. The tears shed over hurts that really werent meant but said anyway. Being a parent is a very hard and demanding thing.

    And you are not a freak just because you dont like babies. If you havent been around them much of course you wouldnt get all gaga over someone elses. Thy are eating pooping machines that require 24/7 attention.

    Maybe you should tell your husband to get a puppy and see how he does with that. Pretty much the same responsibilities, up all hours, cleaning up after it, feeding it, teaching it "life" lessons. Yep get the puppy and when he is about at the end of his rope ask him again how badly he wants a child.
  9. vallonia

    vallonia Member

    Is there no one you could live with a friend maybe you could share a house or a flat with?
    Your hubby is making you very unhappy.
    There is nothing wrong with stacking shelves, and you are not stupid you are stuck in a dark place.
    He should be making you happy not making your life a misery.
  10. Chalmers

    Chalmers Well-Known Member

    Never have a child unless you want one. They are always there and they deserve a parent that wants them. If you're having this issue now, there's bound to be other issues.
  11. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I think some people are being a little too harsh on the husband here, and that's counterproductive to the TC's needs. Granted, it was irresponsible not to discuss having children ahead of time. But having a family can be extremely important for someone, and there shouldn't be any unnecessary strife between the couple.

    I would strongly suggest marital therapy and also possibly individual therapy. It may be possible to salvage the relationship, or at least break up on terms that don't, as you say, leave you homeless.

    It's unfortunate that both of you waited until after marriage to discuss having children, so now you're stuck in this mess.

    I'm not sure what your husband's stance is, but if he has any feelings for you, he'd be willing to discuss entering marital therapy.

    Children are a big issue in marriage. It's a nightmare situation when one partner wants children while the other doesn't. If you can't agree on the issue, and your husband will not accept not having children, that's something that should be delicately handled. Obviously he can't force you to feel the way he does, and vice versa.

    Handle this delicately. It's possible to deal with this without violent heartbreak.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2011
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