ugh.....feel low....yeh...just realised...that...it's probably never going to change and....my life is so boring and samey right now.....i don't do anything, don't see anyone......was shouting at my family today, i'm so horrible....there was no reason, i was frustrated because the computer broke and (lol, this sounds SOOO silly now that i think back) <winces>the cat's bowl of food got kicked over. and i like got so cross over this, was so nasty....i always do this, take frustrations out by shouting. god it's so fucking pathetic. and my dad fucking hates me. he told me i'm so horrible that i 'should get a job in hell telling people what to do' - thanks daddy. but i fucking well hate him too. not all of the time. but most. i can barely can be in the same room as him you know. i hate him sitting next to me on the sofa. when he does i get all tense and uncomfortable. and i can tell that mum and dad want to say something to me. about not having a job, not looking for one. but i've given up on that idea now. i know i'm lazy but i don't want one. i've worked a couple of times and my colleagues were so fucking bitchy....i get shy....ugh it doesn't help me...it makes me worse, working. and i just get fired anyway. but i know the longer i leave it the harder it's going to be to find a job. i mean who'd want to hire a 30 year old or something with no experience. ugh, i'm so fucking grumpy. and i feel so guilty. i've got a major guilt problem, i know it. but mostly it's justified. bloody hell, i should have put this in the room to vent bit cause....no replies. i mean i bet no ones even reached this far...i mean self indulgence or what! god what a loser i am. this is it i think.