I'm new to this forum, so please be easy with me. WHen I was young, I remember my happy times when my father was in my life. Unfortunately, he couldn't keep a job and my mother had to kick him out, because she had a growing family to support already. I was so heartbroken and i blamed my mother on my unhappiness. When you're young you feel this way because you're one-dimensial. But as i got older, I understood. I remember being teased mercifully because of overdeveloped body in the fourth grade, my nose (I was called snuffleupagous and supernose), my lips (I was called bubblelicisous because they are very full) and I was even told I looked like a hooker one time (I didn't know what it was) because I wore some printed stockings and socks. I would try to tell my mother how I felt, but she never gave the best advice. She would always say, "So long as you are not dropping your draws, you are fine." :unsure: From that day on, I started keeping a diary/journal, where I wrote down all my thoughts. I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one understood me and the main person who I was close with (my father) was no longer in my life. Fast forward to my older years. I still feel ugly. My older sister is biracial (I'm black) and whenever we go out, she gets all of the attention. I remember in school how folks couldn't believe we were sisters because she was pretty one and she had the "nicer hair." I even remembered one of my "friends" telling me how he knew she was related to me because we looked alike but she said, "Ew, She don't look like me." Yea, that really helped my self esteem a lot. My other older sister would tease and taunt me about my weight. She is a big girl herself (5'11 248 pounds) but she would always go out of her way to talk about my eating habits, how big I was, etc. It was to the point I had an eating disorder. It was brief, because after high school I joined the military to get away from my verbally abuse family. I've never felt so "happy" in my life. I still had my insecurities and bad feelings about myself and life. After I got out the military, I had a fall out with a friend whom I helped get back on her feet after life hit her hard. She betrayed me (it's a long story) and that's when my first real suicide attempt happended. First, I tried to suffocate myself with a <edit moderator total eclipse method>, but I chickened out. Next, I sat in a tub of water and <edit moderator total eclipse method> I chickened out again. I just started crying and crying. I then tried to overdose on pills and alchohol but I threw it back up. Fast forward a few years and I became pregnant. My daughter died a few days after she was born. I literally watched her leave me. My depression sunk in more. I then had another fall out with another friend who was just a bad influence on me. She was just never happy for positive things that were happening for me, but I was always her head cheerleader. Today, I am about to finish my bachelor's program. While I am "happy" that I am, I still have my suicidal thoughts. I think about all the things I've been through and I'm still not over them. My mother was admitted to a mental institution not too long ago (she's out now and doing fine) and grandmother committed sucide in December. What made it so bad was that she did it at a child hood park my father used to take us. I remember having a nervous breakdown. To this day I'm not over it. I even shaved my head out of depression because of it (among other things, but that was the main reason). She was glue that kept us together when my father was not supporting us finanically. As far a me and guys, well I'm completley invisible to them, well at least my chest isn't. The guys don't like me because I'm too ugly. I'm just not there. I personally feel that while my mother did a good job raising me, she should not have had children or aborted me. I grew up in public housing, poor, no father in my life growing up when I needed him. It's like he just didn't care. If there was a way to commit suicide without pain and slowness, I would do it. I have no reason to be here. I feel so unloved, ugly, unhappy, abandoned. I just don't want to be here anymore. If you read all of this, I'm so sorry it's so long. I just had to let it all out.