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Feel so abandoned and alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AbandonedOne, Jan 26, 2012.

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  1. AbandonedOne

    AbandonedOne New Member

    I'm new to this forum, so please be easy with me.

    WHen I was young, I remember my happy times when my father was in my life. Unfortunately, he couldn't keep a job and my mother had to kick him out, because she had a growing family to support already. I was so heartbroken and i blamed my mother on my unhappiness. When you're young you feel this way because you're one-dimensial. But as i got older, I understood.

    I remember being teased mercifully because of overdeveloped body in the fourth grade, my nose (I was called snuffleupagous and supernose), my lips (I was called bubblelicisous because they are very full) and I was even told I looked like a hooker one time (I didn't know what it was) because I wore some printed stockings and socks.

    I would try to tell my mother how I felt, but she never gave the best advice. She would always say, "So long as you are not dropping your draws, you are fine." :unsure:
    From that day on, I started keeping a diary/journal, where I wrote down all my thoughts. I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one understood me and the main person who I was close with (my father) was no longer in my life.

    Fast forward to my older years. I still feel ugly. My older sister is biracial (I'm black) and whenever we go out, she gets all of the attention. I remember in school how folks couldn't believe we were sisters because she was pretty one and she had the "nicer hair." I even remembered one of my "friends" telling me how he knew she was related to me because we looked alike but she said, "Ew, She don't look like me." Yea, that really helped my self esteem a lot.

    My other older sister would tease and taunt me about my weight. She is a big girl herself (5'11 248 pounds) but she would always go out of her way to talk about my eating habits, how big I was, etc. It was to the point I had an eating disorder. It was brief, because after high school I joined the military to get away from my verbally abuse family. I've never felt so "happy" in my life. I still had my insecurities and bad feelings about myself and life.

    After I got out the military, I had a fall out with a friend whom I helped get back on her feet after life hit her hard. She betrayed me (it's a long story) and that's when my first real suicide attempt happended. First, I tried to suffocate myself with a <edit moderator total eclipse method>, but I chickened out. Next, I sat in a tub of water and <edit moderator total eclipse method> I chickened out again. I just started crying and crying. I then tried to overdose on pills and alchohol but I threw it back up.

    Fast forward a few years and I became pregnant. My daughter died a few days after she was born. I literally watched her leave me. My depression sunk in more. I then had another fall out with another friend who was just a bad influence on me. She was just never happy for positive things that were happening for me, but I was always her head cheerleader.

    Today, I am about to finish my bachelor's program. While I am "happy" that I am, I still have my suicidal thoughts. I think about all the things I've been through and I'm still not over them. My mother was admitted to a mental institution not too long ago (she's out now and doing fine) and grandmother committed sucide in December. What made it so bad was that she did it at a child hood park my father used to take us. I remember having a nervous breakdown. To this day I'm not over it. I even shaved my head out of depression because of it (among other things, but that was the main reason). She was glue that kept us together when my father was not supporting us finanically.

    As far a me and guys, well I'm completley invisible to them, well at least my chest isn't. The guys don't like me because I'm too ugly. I'm just not there.

    I personally feel that while my mother did a good job raising me, she should not have had children or aborted me. I grew up in public housing, poor, no father in my life growing up when I needed him. It's like he just didn't care.

    If there was a way to commit suicide without pain and slowness, I would do it. I have no reason to be here. I feel so unloved, ugly, unhappy, abandoned. I just don't want to be here anymore.

    If you read all of this, I'm so sorry it's so long. I just had to let it all out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you let it out hun I am sorry you are feeling the pain of loosing your father at a young age I am also sorry you lost your grandmother hun I hope you have obtained some therapy to help you deal with her suicide and also to deal with the abuse you felt as a child. You should be proud of you hun for doing so well in school Please keep posting okay letting us know how you are doing hugs
  3. AbandonedOne

    AbandonedOne New Member

    Hello total. I have done therapy and I have opened up to some friends that I am closer to now that I am older; however, I feel talking doesn't help. I sometimes feel that people are judging me and I should just take the easy way out.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    the people who are judging you they don't understand hun the pain the betrayal you feel You need to open up here like you have because people here understand I understand so well hun i could relate to your post People here are kind and would never judge you hugs
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm sorry to hear that your family hasn't been supportive and that you were bullied in school. I've had to deal with the same issues and it can be hard. You said it's hard for you to talk to people because you think you might be judged, well that won't happen here. I think you did a good job by telling us what you're going through and you did open up a lot. You can post your thoughts and feelings here any time and we'll be here to support you and listen. :hug:
  6. AbandonedOne

    AbandonedOne New Member

    Thank you so much :)

    Yeah it is really hard for me to talk to people. I have a very few select that I talk to.

    I just want to know why is this all happening to me? I just want to go away far away somewhere....
  7. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    Hi, you have been through a lot... And im sorry about how your family treated you... I kind of understand how you feel... sometimes it happens to me too... Im also the ugly duckling in the family... But honey, if other people doesn't appreciate you.. don't you think its the best time to love yourself even more? You mentioned that you finished your bachelor's program- maybe you could make a fresh start with that... I hope all the best for you and thank you for trusting us with your story...
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