Feel so hopeless and alone

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ferret, May 30, 2014.

  1. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I have an anxiety disorder and have had that for most of my life. I don't remember a time when I was ever truly happy.

    This month started out badly. In the first week I lost my job after 2 1/2 years due to cost cutting. I thought as long as I didn't quit I'd always have a job, but that didn't turn out to be the case. I was the only one out of everyone in my department that was let go. Apparently it was because I was the highest paid. I'm unemployed now, and it kills me. I've only applied for some jobs because there aren't that many available. I have two trades, one in IT and the other as an electrician which apprenticeship I haven't finished. There aren't many jobs around here for either. I feel my options are limited. Last summer I bought a house with the intention of renting it out and living in the basement apartment. It's been a rocky road. I've had a few tenants and it hasn't worked out. Right now I'm renting to a friend but we are close and it almost feels like it could come back to haunt me. After the first week everything is going well, but rent is due tomorrow.

    I turned 30 this month as well. I didn't celebrate it, nor did I have a birthday cake. I've never really had a birthday party. Surely when I was younger there were some, but as an adult I've had none. None of my friends ever got together to have one or I never really thought about it. I'm not sure what I should celebrate. I'm jobless and I have a house which I am now stuck with for a very long time. Without someone renting I wouldn't be able to afford this place. I can get by for a few months but eventually my finances will take a hit. I never really thought about that when I purchased. I thought renters would be good to me. I feel like I made a big mistake and I can't get out of it. This thought haunts me daily.

    My parents are getting older. I only see them once a month because they live 3 hours away. My mom is in her late 60s and although she has a car she's too nervous to drive in the city. My dad is in his early 70's and doesn't drive. I worry about them all the time. Worry that something will happen to them and I won't be there when it does. I lost a sister back in 2009 to cancer. The thought of losing another family member would be devastating to me. I have 4 other siblings and none of us are really close. I don't have any support from them as they don't understand what it's like to have severe anxiety. They just think I can fix it by myself. Every day I wonder what to do next in my life. I love to travel but with this house I feel like I might not be able to ever travel again. I travel alone because most of my other friends are either not interested or don't have the money. I have one friend across the country who I travel with when I can. He's a doctor though and is making good money. He can afford to go on good trips and long ones, like going to Russia this summer to learn the language. I was never any good at learning languages but I would still love the experience.

    I can just go on and on with everything I'm thinking about right now. I thought writing it out would help, but now I have a headache and that's just making things worse. I don't know a way out of any of this, nor do I know who to turn to. I tend to stay up late and sleep in late, and I drink and do drugs, things which definitely aren't helping my suffering.

    Being extremely lonely doesn't help either.
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hello ferret,

    first off... i want to say i can relate to you a lot... although my problem isn't long lasting anxiety, it's long lasting depression... i did however, at one time, have anxiety so i know how that feels too. i understand how it feels to be laid off totally because that happened to me once too... i received unemployment because of it is that possible for you? is it possible to get a menial job like a fast food restaurant worker til you can find one in your field? i also rarely celebrated my birthday as an adult til i married ... and the only reason i celebrate it now is cuz its also my anniversary. my family is the same as yours, thinks that i should "just get over" my depression and holds it against me cuz i cannot. i understand the loss of loved ones... i have lost an aunt, my mother, and all my grandparents...

    i know how much all this hurts and all i can say is its best to give yourself some time to grieve but don't let yourself dwell on it too long and don't keep letting yourself handle it in unhealthy ways like drinking and drugs... try things that you find some interest in.. i use gaming, writing poetry, playing with my dogs, going for walks, and swimming. i also have found that essential oils and relaxation exercises and exercising and vitamins have helped me way more than any medication or counseling that i was ever given for my psychological problems .. perhaps some of this can be something you can look into, i'd be happy to help if you're interested. some other ideas are herbs, minerals, chiropractor therapy, deep muscle massages, and accupuncture.. and even certain foods (diets) can help you. i've never tried these things but i do want to study up on some of them. i wish you all the best in managing all this and i hope you will continue to reach out... i look forward to seeing you more in chat.. take care.
     
  3. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I was doing better today than a few days ago, until I got in a fight with a friend over who's going to replace the shingles on my roof. For a while we had it planned that both of us were going to do it, but then I really had no idea what I was doing, and it seemed like a big job with a large margin of error should something go wrong, so I said I would get a contractor to do it. Anyway it was quite stupid and he's just an idiot to have fought about something so trivial. Now I'm sitting here, drinking and wondering exactly what I'm supposed to do with my life. How did I dig this hole? I'm jobless and the outlook doesn't look good. I would have to take a job for significantly lower pay. I can't have a house without at least a good income to support it. I told myself I wasn't working for half the income from before. The company should do better than that. I'm thinking about taking a drastic move though. Maybe book a one way ticket to some place and never look back.