I have an anxiety disorder and have had that for most of my life. I don't remember a time when I was ever truly happy. This month started out badly. In the first week I lost my job after 2 1/2 years due to cost cutting. I thought as long as I didn't quit I'd always have a job, but that didn't turn out to be the case. I was the only one out of everyone in my department that was let go. Apparently it was because I was the highest paid. I'm unemployed now, and it kills me. I've only applied for some jobs because there aren't that many available. I have two trades, one in IT and the other as an electrician which apprenticeship I haven't finished. There aren't many jobs around here for either. I feel my options are limited. Last summer I bought a house with the intention of renting it out and living in the basement apartment. It's been a rocky road. I've had a few tenants and it hasn't worked out. Right now I'm renting to a friend but we are close and it almost feels like it could come back to haunt me. After the first week everything is going well, but rent is due tomorrow. I turned 30 this month as well. I didn't celebrate it, nor did I have a birthday cake. I've never really had a birthday party. Surely when I was younger there were some, but as an adult I've had none. None of my friends ever got together to have one or I never really thought about it. I'm not sure what I should celebrate. I'm jobless and I have a house which I am now stuck with for a very long time. Without someone renting I wouldn't be able to afford this place. I can get by for a few months but eventually my finances will take a hit. I never really thought about that when I purchased. I thought renters would be good to me. I feel like I made a big mistake and I can't get out of it. This thought haunts me daily. My parents are getting older. I only see them once a month because they live 3 hours away. My mom is in her late 60s and although she has a car she's too nervous to drive in the city. My dad is in his early 70's and doesn't drive. I worry about them all the time. Worry that something will happen to them and I won't be there when it does. I lost a sister back in 2009 to cancer. The thought of losing another family member would be devastating to me. I have 4 other siblings and none of us are really close. I don't have any support from them as they don't understand what it's like to have severe anxiety. They just think I can fix it by myself. Every day I wonder what to do next in my life. I love to travel but with this house I feel like I might not be able to ever travel again. I travel alone because most of my other friends are either not interested or don't have the money. I have one friend across the country who I travel with when I can. He's a doctor though and is making good money. He can afford to go on good trips and long ones, like going to Russia this summer to learn the language. I was never any good at learning languages but I would still love the experience. I can just go on and on with everything I'm thinking about right now. I thought writing it out would help, but now I have a headache and that's just making things worse. I don't know a way out of any of this, nor do I know who to turn to. I tend to stay up late and sleep in late, and I drink and do drugs, things which definitely aren't helping my suffering. Being extremely lonely doesn't help either.