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Feel so horrible

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Butterfly

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#1
All I can think of is suicide and all the options that are open for me to kill myself. It is so easy to buy lots of tabs in town. Its easy if I want to jump. I even have potent pills in my cupboard. I cannot think of anything else. Every thought in my head links to death. Even at uni I cant seem to cheer myself up. I used to laugh and joke with my friends. Now i hardly speak. I just cant. The anxiety is crippling me and my sadness is deepening and deepening. I really could just pull the plug now. I hate this. I have lost all control.
 

total eclipse

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#3
hun go to talk to a councillor okay talk to your doctor get meds changed up
call crisis line just to talk even please get some help for you hugs
 

Butterfly

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#4
Nothings really triggered. Just feel stupidly irrational and like I could do something stupid. I bought lots of pills when I was out. Im fed up of the turmoil going on in my head.
 
#5
Lexi,

I understand your pain. I only hope that things start to look up for you. Realize that people do care. Your answer is out there, you just need some time to find it. There are a lot of people like us and most of us make it, it is my hope for you that you are in that fold. Use whatever works for you to you to keep you going.
 

Fitzy

Well-Known Member
#6
Bin the pills! Talk to someone about how you are feeling - counsellor, therapist, doctor, hospital, Samaritans - whichever is easiest to access. If that's not possible -keep posting xxx
 

Stranger1

Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
#9
Hey Lexi, Go see your doctor and ask him about Geodon Or Abilify.. They are two meds that help with irrational thoughts.. I have been on them for years and they help keep my thoughts in order..Please give yourself that chance..
 

Butterfly

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#10
Theres not much going on right now. Nothing extreme to make me feel bad. Every thought from the past few days has been how I can kill myself and how I would be better off dead. I cant take the torment anymore. I cant think of anything else no matter how hard I try. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I hate this.
 

Butterfly

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#12
Ive got Harry Potter on at the moment. My fiance is getting mad with me because he knows Im hiding this feeling from him.
 

flowers

Senior Member
#14
Maybe if you feel you can't talk to your fiance, you can call, as Fitzy suggested, the samaratins?? I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know, for me how hard it is to feel such excruciating pain. I hope you can talk... on phone or in person with someone soon. Even if its calling the Samaratians ( one of the things Fitzy suggested). Oh, And i love Harry Potter books. Altough I cried so hard after reading the 6th book that I have not yet read the 7th. But I did see all of the movies. Looking forward to Friday. Take good care. Please.
 

Butterfly

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#15
My fiance knows I am feeling bad he just doesnt know how suicidal I am. He was getting upset because I wouldnt let him read this thread as he knows I come on here and he is totally fine with that.

I would call the samaritans but I have no privacy to do so and I struggle ringing people as it is the only person I ring is my fiance and dad anyone else and I get bad anxiety. I am trying so hard to get through each day but it is so difficult. I have no idea how I will get through tomorrow. :(
 

flowers

Senior Member
#16
I am so sorry its this hard to make phone calls :( In a way I understand. Because I rarely call people. I do not want to bother anyone.

I am glad you are posting a lot here. Thats really good. I hope you will do that often each day. What would it feel like if you asked your fiance to make an appointment to talk to a doctor so you can get some medication to maybe help? Would it be possible? Of course he doesnt have to know more than what you have told him. right?:pinkrose:
 

Butterfly

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#17
Im already on fluoxetine and seeing a community psych nurse but I dont see him till wednesday next week. I got through last night ok I put my phone to one side and just tried to focus on watching Harry Potter and I eventually fell asleep cuddling my fiance. I had two awful and graphic nightmares last night so I feel really unsettled this morning. Feel absolutely awful. I have the pills in my bag. I am off to uni in a min but I will struggle to make it through the day. Not being who I was around my friends upsets me more so I dunno. Dunno how I will get through today. Im hanging on with every last inch and at thr moment posting here is the only way I can hang on to the last fight for life in me. I am sorry for prattling on when you all have your own problems Im just so desperate.
 

Fitzy

Well-Known Member
#18
Leave the pills behind!
Focus on your studies today. What are you studying?
Can you try and get an earlier appointment with the cpn - you are in urgent need! Ask your bf to ring on your behalf?
Stay safe today. X
 

Butterfly

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#19
There are in my bag and I am at uni now. Just got to rough it out today. Im studying nursing ha bloody ha so I should really know better. But I just feel so rubbish. I should stop making excuses for myself and pull myself together. Sorry xxxxx
 

Fitzy

Well-Known Member
#20
Yeah - no nurse ever felt suicidal!
Is there any pastoral support available at uni? Something you can access now?
Is there someone you can trust to keep hold of your pills for you?
I actually believe that it is possible to pull yourself together - probably to get through a short term situation.
Focus on your studies - catch us up later? X
 
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