Feel so lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ariel2013, Jul 29, 2010.

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  1. ariel2013

    ariel2013 Member

    My grandmother died this spring.. Every day is getting harder for me. I don't know what I will do without her. I used to call her for everything. She lived very far away so I couldn't see her and it kills me that she kept asking me to come visit her this summer and I said no b/c I had school and didn't want to spend the money that I had:( . I miss her sooo much... She was always right about everything and whenever I had a problem( which i always do because im so sensitive) I just had to call her and say a few words and she would talk to me for hours and make me feel so much better with her wisdom. This was so good because often I could not express my pain but she knew exactly what i was thinking because she was psychic. There is no person in this world that can say the things she said to me. If I call my mom for anything she usually makes me madder but we do have a good relationship. She has cancer and its the second time it came back and the doctors don't know what to do because if they remove the lumps they would have to take out her kidney and she cant survive with one kidney and the chemo. I know she is going to die soon. If she dies I ( words can not describe) .. I'm so scared and upset. Now that my grandma is gone I'm scared I will go down the wrong path. She had my perfect life planned out for me and now I'm scared I will make the wrong decisions and my life won't be as foreseen. I relied on her sooo much I can't imagine making any big decisions.. I'm so lost... I would have been nothing without my grandma. From a young age she taught me so much and worked on me so much. My life was perfect all because of her. All because I listened to her.I can't even have a bf without her because everything she said about guys came out true. And many times I didn't listen to her and was sorry later. Now everything is going to go downhill..
  2. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Something similar here to a minor degree, I had a grandmother on my father side who left me when I was 5 or something. She was a very wise woman and I loved visiting her, but my mum had beef with her. So I was very limited in opportunities to meet her.
    I remember one day after we moved to a new place to live I took a wrong bus to school, I quickly realized that the bus was going to my grandmas place. But I was so mindfucked by my mothers lying shit about my grandmother that I got out of the bus and went to school. Shortly after that she died, like literally a month or 2 later, she was healthy as shit too!
    But you know what? Her spirit is with me and guides me through my life, she was the only one to genuinely care about me so she lives in my heart and in my deeds.

    When she dies you think you are alone? Dark room, mirror, candles, look in your soul, she is with you.
    The angels are real you just can't see their wings.
  3. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about your loss. I am sorry that your mother has an illness, too. This must be a very difficult time for you.

    Your grandmother is watching over you like an angel, and you will always be her little one.

    She instilled wisdom in you, and it's still there. You are wiser because of her.
    And when you live to be old enough you will be wise as your grandmother.
    You sound like a wonderful person, and soon the pain will lessen and you will feel a sweetness and a fondness take place in your memory, without the tears.
    You will feel better.
    And as for your mother, remember things are always bearable when the time comes to go through it. So whether your mother is cured or not, you will be able to bear it. You will emerge from this. Best wishes to you.:hugtackles:
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Ariel. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. She sounds like she was truly a wonderful person. You will have to use the advise she gave you to help you make your decisions now. Your grandmother will always be with you (in spirt form) and if it helps, you can talk to her when you're feeling down. I hope that your mom will beat the cancer and make a full recovery. Please don't give up. :hug:
  5. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im sorry for your loss. I believe you Grandmother is still with you in another way. I will pray for you and her. I am very sorry about your Mom too ans will pray. You must live as a tribute to the great people in your life and tnhey will be happy knowing that they helped you through. PLEASE STAY HERE AND WE WILL HELP AND GIVE YOU LOVE....

    Write me,

  6. ariel2013

    ariel2013 Member

    Thank you guys soo much! I feel better knowing that someone understands my pain. After the first day that it happened my friends just thought id be okay and no one ever talked about it. I know that there a lot of relationships with grandparents that are not close so people can't really understand how life changing this was for me. I do still cry almost everytime I think about her but I understand now that I can still use the knowledge she gave me and continue on the path of becoming someone she is proud of. I am still very concerned about my mom. I am back home for the weekend but I have to go back to school soon. My school is 3 hours away so I don't come home too much. I am trying to spend time with my mom and show her I love her and I pray to god she beats this. Last night around 9 pm I went on a run with her( well she was on a bike and I was running behind her) and it was dark and all you could see was the white sidewalk( there where trees all around) It almost looked like a dream. All I could think about when I was running behind her is that she will be gone soon and that I will be having nightmares just like this when I'm running behind her and I cant reach her. Its just so sad thinking about this.

    O and off topic I also have this problem. My grandma was kind of working on me with it but we never got to finish. I used to have a huge case of what people call social anxiety. I couldn't even talk to my freinds. Like I would freak out in my mind. But my grandmother helped me when she came to visit back in 2004. Now I can talk to people and have deep friendships but.... I literally can't properly talk to people of authority such as teachers, vendors, phone receptionist, potential bosses. Pretty much any person I would need some type of service or help from I can't talk properly too. I can tell that by the way im coming across I always seem to aggravate them and they are rude to me. Then I freak out even more. Its really hard for me to call someone even to ask a simple question. Even when I had a job the customers would never believe anything I said to them and would want to speak so someone else. And the other person literally would say the exact same thing and the customer will be like "Oh okay" . I always feel I am bothering people by asking something. I can get away with this sometimes because I am pretty and often I do not need to say much but now I need to get a job in my field and I have to actually go and talk to my potential bosses.. its really hard I don't know what to say. Even when I have a speach made in my mind when I get there I just skip 90% of what I was going to say and the rest I say it so fast and confusing they probably think I'm crazy.. I don't know if anyone can help me with this....
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