I've deleted this thread like 5 times now, I just finish typing and close the window, I'm just lost and tired and do not know what to do. I wish I could just end my life right now, I do not deserve this life and due to the fact that it's mine I have the right to end it whenever I want, but the thought of hurting my family stops me. One might say that's a good thing, but I think it's pretty sad that my only reason to be alive is not hurting my family, there should be so much more. I have to deal with this almost everyday, sometimes I don't realize because the thoughts are so common that I don't even notice anymore, but some days like today my depression just grows so much that I can't ignore it and pretend everything is fine like I usually do. I don't really enjoy going out with my friends anymore, and I also feel left out on the group I know they care for me but I don't know, I just want to go back home and hope to get in an accident and die to get this over with. I thought for a long time that maybe just getting a girl would help me feel loved, because I think that's one of my major problems I just don't feel loved at all, I know I am, but family love is something I count on, it's just there but does nothing for me. And after many fail attempts to find a girlfriend or at least someone to date every now and then I'm just convinced that I'm not meant to be loved, and that I will just have to wait until I die to end this constant pain. I take pills, and see a psychiatrist every week and I think it has helped me to just get along with life but that's about it, I've been like this for 2 years now, and in depression since 7 years, and to think I still have like 40 years of this just doesn't help at all. Well I think I've made this whining long enough, so I'll end it here. Take care everyone.