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feel so low

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jojojo, Nov 29, 2012.

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  1. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Hi, my life is a complete mess. One thing amongst all the things that have gone wrong is my suspecting my boyfriend of cheating on me and I guessed his facebook password and email password that were both his children's name and seeing private messages.

    On facebook I discovered in appropriate private messages indication a sexual relationship with another woman. I confronted him and he says its just banter and has now turned it all around and I am the 'baddie' in all this for hacking his account. He is a very strong personality and has verbally attacked me and made me feel that I am imagining it all and nothing is going on. The messages from both him and the other woman are clearly more than banter. He is now trying to convince me that I am a bad person and has gone on to list all my faults, a complete character assassination.

    I feel awful, just awful. It was wrong of me to snoop but I know he is a liar.

    He doesn't know that I looked at his email and discovered another email address which is his and has been set up to use Plenty Of Fish, a dating website. I can't tell him as he will twist and turn this and make me an even bigger baddie!

    I am 46, he is 52.

    I work part time and I cannot cope with my house. I'm not a hoarder in that I collect things, but my house is such a mess I buy more things because I cannot find the same stuff I already bought.

    My father gave me a large sum of money for my children's inheritance. I have spent it on repeatedly buying more stuff and on taking my children out to eat as I couldn't face cooking at home in all the mess.

    My son has now left home to study and asks about this money. He is 17 and I have been giving him money from my wages as a cover but this cannot go on forever.

    My father has now phoned to ask about the money and I have invented a story about hiding it from my son in case he fritters it away (ironic I know) and that I have been giving him handouts. This has satisfied my father short term. He lives 300 miles away so I am not faced with seeing him at the moment.

    My daughter is 14 and is vile. She hits me if she cannot get her own way. I am completely weak as a parent. A doormat to my boyfriend and a doormat to my children. My daughter looks like a ghoul with hair that she has back combed and ruined in trying to turn into dreadlocks. We are white. Her face is plastered in make up. She steals my things despite having her own stuff.

    My children have no respect for me because of the way I live, in not being able to cope with housework.

    I have no friends. My family is far away and I could not tell them what is going on as I am so ashamed.

    I know it's wrong but I am full of self pity. I was abused for years as a child and I feel that I am one of life's losers. I am nice to people, everyone I meet says I'm a lovely lady but nothing ever goes right for me because of the way I am. My boyfriend has loads of friends and I get wheeled out when it's a couples night out but that is all.

    I am overly attached to animals, if that is the right term. I love animals, particularly cats and dogs. I am still distraught at the death of a semi feral cat where I work as I bring in food and they are the only ones that I look forward to seeing in my life.

    I don't like or love my children or my boyfriend. But as much as I hate my boyfriend I desperately crave his attention and affection. We don't have a sex life and he isn't affectionate which makes me want the affection all the more.

    I've never had a falling out with my mother, she has always been completely cold and indifferent to me. When I was young she told me that after my brother, my abuser, she had another baby but miscarried. Then she had me and felt that I replaced her miscarried baby and resented me.

    My father speaks to me like I'm an idiot, which in all fairness I am. He is a retired accountant and great things were expected of me. For a time in my single days I had a great job and had lots of friends and earned a lot of money which went on my mortgage and which I lost years ago when I had children and their father cheated on me when my son was four and my daughter was just over a year.

    I struggled bringing up my children on my own. I couldn't find much work but did my best in finding on and off shop work and I never had a baby sitter or a night out. Friends dwindled away as they started families or lived far away.

    I was on my own for seven years, then met my boyfriend online. I thought he was a night in shining armour and I moved 300 miles to live a few doors down from him. We don't live together.

    We've been together nearly seven years.

    I have no savings, no future. My job as a housekeeper is minimum wage and 16 hours so that I can get help with my rent. The job is not secure as the business is in debt. It took me over six months to get this job as jobs are scarce here and of course I had been out of work for over ten years with only scattered jobs here and there which meant nothing on my CV.

    What is the point of it all? Really? I'm on facebook and see old school friends all married for over twenty years, lovely children, even grandchildren, nice houses, all happy and content. I'm so pleased for these lovely people and don't wish my unhappiness on them, but can't help but feel "why not me?" Why can't I have had a happy life?

    The term loser sums me up. I'm being realistic, I am a loser. Facing facts, I am a loser. I don't blame anyone else for having a crap life, I've messed it up, made wrong choices, done stupid things with money.

    Now I have nothing. I thought if I had the strength to finish my relationship I could find a new man and make a new beginning but I looked on the dating website and the women of comparable age don't have the problems I have so who would want me! I look at the male profiles and they are all like my boyfriend. If I met someone else my problems wouldn't go away they'd just be with someone different.

    I dream that winning the lottery would change things. It would to a massive degree. I would have the security of a permanent home for me and homes for my children when old enough. What's laughable is that I rarely buy a ticket as I see it as throwing away more money!

    I feel so low, so down. There is no magic wand. Life is what you make of it but I've made mine totally crap. Excuse my language.

    I just want to be alone with my cat. Now I'm writing this and feeling sick that I'm now home from work and should be clearing up. I'm having a sofa delivered tomorrow. I have to clear front room and despair of tackling it. I never let anyone into my home, my children were not allowed anyone home because of the mess and I know they resent me for it. My daughter has pierced her lip and it looks awful, she is 14. I feel ashamed, embarrassed.

    I've let everyone down and let myself down.

    Self pitying rant over!
  2. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    No one cares for me. I don't care about anyone but my cat. I feel completely different to other people, like I am a different species.
  3. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Jojojo people do care, are you seeking professional help? That's the first step to things improving :hug:
  4. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Hi, I've been to the Doctors and have been given anti depressants. Both times they made me so sleepy I would have lost my job if I continued so gave up.

    Had some counselling on NHS. It didn't help me at all, just made me talk about things and then feel more resentful about my childhood. The lady was lovely to talk to but after the six weeks that was it, the time ran out. It was just like going for a chat and deep breathing and picturing positive things but I never felt better for it and desperately wanted to.
  5. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    There is no one that cares about me. No one. My cat because I feed her. My children hate me. My boyfriend is using me because I'm a doormat and do whatever he says and his children like me. I'm good to take out with his couples friends because I'm easy going and affable. I know he doesn't care about my feelings because he walks all over them.
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Well if his children like you, then someone DOES care about you. It sounds like there are a lot of issues that, if dealt with, could re-straighten out everybody's relationships with one another. Your children care about you as well, but they too sound as if experiencing potential issues from everything that's building. Have you sought out any sort of family counselling? Sorry to hear you are experiencing such a low - it's time to put a positive plan in place to begin turning things back upward.
  7. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Hi, thank you for replying. His children like me because I buy them nice gifts at Christmas and birthdays and I don't intrude in their lives . If they're round his house I say hello and don't stay long as. They are there to see there dad not me. I also let the eldest daughter be insured on my car for a year before she went to uni. She was very friendly then but now I don't see her much.
    My son doesn't live with me, he in student digs. I pay his iPhone bill and buy other goods for him. He only rings when he wants me to buy him something.

    My daughter hit me with a Henry Hoover metal pole. I had to go to A&E for X-ray in case elbow was chipped. It wasn't but hurt me for
    Several weeks with the bruising and swelling. I had taken away her laptop charger because she wasn't going to school and was due to be asked to leave. School now have her on a college programme where she taken two days a week to college to learn hair and beauty. The coach she gets on is filled with unruly, teens whacking the crap out of each other. Without sounding snobbish, these are the rough element and my daughter is now one of them and it is awful seeing her with them.

    Well I've done nothing to tidy up and the stress is unbearable. I have to clear up huge mess tonight, then tomorrow get old sofa and mattress out of house at 7.00 am for council collection. If my daughter doesn't help I can't get them picked up and lose the money paid. Stress stress stress

    Boyfriend has texted asking if I'm ok but he keeping me sweet now after our big talk with him running me down because if i posted the screen shots of him and this woman's private messages they would look very bad in front of mutual friends and his and the woman's children who are friends. I would never do that but he is obviously cacking himself that I could do that.

    I'm just a doormat.

    We were offered a form of counselling by social services as they became involved over my son hitting my daughter and her arm being marked. My children said no thanks and that was that. They have stayed involved because i asked for help with my daughter missing school all the time. To be honest the social worker has not helped at all.
    Because my daughter is not at risk from me they have other cases that are priority which is understandable.

    Oh god I have to face the mess. I'm a housekeeper for my job and a good one but can't cope at home.

    I want to run away from it all.

    My boyfriend knows I was abused as a child but not the extent. I not even told the lady when I had counselling. I've never said this out loud but I was raped. Not just continuously abused and hurt but raped as well.

    I was powerless then, held down and forced. No one is holding me down now though except for my mind, me, it is me that is stopping myself from living a normal life.

    I feel powerless now, helpless, useless, undeserving, empty, worthless just a body with my head full of poison waiting to burst, I can't turn off the thoughts in my mind. My mind is constantly churning. I need an off switch.
  8. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Well I'm still here. Got my sofa and mattress out. My daughter did help, reluctantly. I had to suffer her swearing loudly despite my asking her to be quiet because next door has an elderly dog who sleeps downstairs and wakes when either of our front doors open. Not that he'd be bothered by the swearing! Just didn't want to wake him at half six this morning and then his owner.

    So I managed to sleep last night as I was awake all through the night before after finding the private messages between my boyfriend and another woman. They still chatting in public on facebook and she is putting winks and smiles and referring to how nice her bed is.

    I can't understand why women do this, blatantly flirt with a guy who they know has a girlfriend or wife. I don't see her so friendly with any other men on facebook. Still, I have no beef with her, it's my boyfriends behaviour that concerns me.

    I was unable to tell him about finding his dating website profile but I have logged into it and changed it so that no one can view it. Ive edited it by adding a message from me saying how hurt I am.

    He hasn't accessed it in many months but the hurt is still there because he set it up at a time when we were very much together.

    I can't get over the private messages on facebook. He says I've interpreted them wrong but I don't think I have which is making me feel worse. Like he is suggesting I'm mad or paranoid.

    Am I allowed to write what they put on here so I can get a second opinion? I have no one in real life to whom I could get advice from.
  9. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    Hi, I hope you are ok, I just wanted to reply, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. You say that you are a "doormat", when I hear that word I don't think of it negatively, I always picture someone who is considerate of the feelings of others (which you certainly appear to be). I hope things get better for you soon.
  10. Jojojo

    Jojojo Member

    Thank you lordsalisbury, I've always believed in not hurting others or being unkind because I understand the feelings of hurt and humiliation all too well and would never wish to make anyone else feel bad. X
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