Hi, my life is a complete mess. One thing amongst all the things that have gone wrong is my suspecting my boyfriend of cheating on me and I guessed his facebook password and email password that were both his children's name and seeing private messages. On facebook I discovered in appropriate private messages indication a sexual relationship with another woman. I confronted him and he says its just banter and has now turned it all around and I am the 'baddie' in all this for hacking his account. He is a very strong personality and has verbally attacked me and made me feel that I am imagining it all and nothing is going on. The messages from both him and the other woman are clearly more than banter. He is now trying to convince me that I am a bad person and has gone on to list all my faults, a complete character assassination. I feel awful, just awful. It was wrong of me to snoop but I know he is a liar. He doesn't know that I looked at his email and discovered another email address which is his and has been set up to use Plenty Of Fish, a dating website. I can't tell him as he will twist and turn this and make me an even bigger baddie! I am 46, he is 52. I work part time and I cannot cope with my house. I'm not a hoarder in that I collect things, but my house is such a mess I buy more things because I cannot find the same stuff I already bought. My father gave me a large sum of money for my children's inheritance. I have spent it on repeatedly buying more stuff and on taking my children out to eat as I couldn't face cooking at home in all the mess. My son has now left home to study and asks about this money. He is 17 and I have been giving him money from my wages as a cover but this cannot go on forever. My father has now phoned to ask about the money and I have invented a story about hiding it from my son in case he fritters it away (ironic I know) and that I have been giving him handouts. This has satisfied my father short term. He lives 300 miles away so I am not faced with seeing him at the moment. My daughter is 14 and is vile. She hits me if she cannot get her own way. I am completely weak as a parent. A doormat to my boyfriend and a doormat to my children. My daughter looks like a ghoul with hair that she has back combed and ruined in trying to turn into dreadlocks. We are white. Her face is plastered in make up. She steals my things despite having her own stuff. My children have no respect for me because of the way I live, in not being able to cope with housework. I have no friends. My family is far away and I could not tell them what is going on as I am so ashamed. I know it's wrong but I am full of self pity. I was abused for years as a child and I feel that I am one of life's losers. I am nice to people, everyone I meet says I'm a lovely lady but nothing ever goes right for me because of the way I am. My boyfriend has loads of friends and I get wheeled out when it's a couples night out but that is all. I am overly attached to animals, if that is the right term. I love animals, particularly cats and dogs. I am still distraught at the death of a semi feral cat where I work as I bring in food and they are the only ones that I look forward to seeing in my life. I don't like or love my children or my boyfriend. But as much as I hate my boyfriend I desperately crave his attention and affection. We don't have a sex life and he isn't affectionate which makes me want the affection all the more. I've never had a falling out with my mother, she has always been completely cold and indifferent to me. When I was young she told me that after my brother, my abuser, she had another baby but miscarried. Then she had me and felt that I replaced her miscarried baby and resented me. My father speaks to me like I'm an idiot, which in all fairness I am. He is a retired accountant and great things were expected of me. For a time in my single days I had a great job and had lots of friends and earned a lot of money which went on my mortgage and which I lost years ago when I had children and their father cheated on me when my son was four and my daughter was just over a year. I struggled bringing up my children on my own. I couldn't find much work but did my best in finding on and off shop work and I never had a baby sitter or a night out. Friends dwindled away as they started families or lived far away. I was on my own for seven years, then met my boyfriend online. I thought he was a night in shining armour and I moved 300 miles to live a few doors down from him. We don't live together. We've been together nearly seven years. I have no savings, no future. My job as a housekeeper is minimum wage and 16 hours so that I can get help with my rent. The job is not secure as the business is in debt. It took me over six months to get this job as jobs are scarce here and of course I had been out of work for over ten years with only scattered jobs here and there which meant nothing on my CV. What is the point of it all? Really? I'm on facebook and see old school friends all married for over twenty years, lovely children, even grandchildren, nice houses, all happy and content. I'm so pleased for these lovely people and don't wish my unhappiness on them, but can't help but feel "why not me?" Why can't I have had a happy life? The term loser sums me up. I'm being realistic, I am a loser. Facing facts, I am a loser. I don't blame anyone else for having a crap life, I've messed it up, made wrong choices, done stupid things with money. Now I have nothing. I thought if I had the strength to finish my relationship I could find a new man and make a new beginning but I looked on the dating website and the women of comparable age don't have the problems I have so who would want me! I look at the male profiles and they are all like my boyfriend. If I met someone else my problems wouldn't go away they'd just be with someone different. I dream that winning the lottery would change things. It would to a massive degree. I would have the security of a permanent home for me and homes for my children when old enough. What's laughable is that I rarely buy a ticket as I see it as throwing away more money! I feel so low, so down. There is no magic wand. Life is what you make of it but I've made mine totally crap. Excuse my language. I just want to be alone with my cat. Now I'm writing this and feeling sick that I'm now home from work and should be clearing up. I'm having a sofa delivered tomorrow. I have to clear front room and despair of tackling it. I never let anyone into my home, my children were not allowed anyone home because of the mess and I know they resent me for it. My daughter has pierced her lip and it looks awful, she is 14. I feel ashamed, embarrassed. I've let everyone down and let myself down. Self pitying rant over!