feel stupid

[Wastingecho]

feel so stupid - trying to hold on to a dream

why did i hope things would work out - such an idiot

harder and harder each day to believe any more - who am i trying to fool

little voice in my head keeps getting louder - it's over, get on with it already

finding all my old pills in my nightstand and can't stop wondering if adding them to my stash will help me in the end

just want to get dressed, sit in my car, and keep swallowing until i can't swallow any more

god i hate myself - HATE HATE HATE - wife keeps pressuring me to shave - haven't done it in months - but it's the only way to hide my face from myself in the mirror

why do i deserve to live - why do i deserve to go through this pain when i can see that i have no future anyway

feelings have been this intense for a couple of weeks now and i'm breaking - won't take much more to get that first pill past my lips

can only push these feelings off for a couple of hours at a time then they slam back worse than before

my final failure is coming, i know it - knew it was inevitable

and i know that i will be alone at the end

 

[Freya]

Wastingecho - I am sorry that you feel so sad, so alone. Of course I cannot pretend to understand how you feel or to know what has brought you to this, but I cannot believe that you have cause to hate yourself as much as you do. You have a wife - this at least tells me that you are able to love and be loved... please hold on. I understand what it is like to lived hour to hour (minute to minute even) looking for a reason NOT to do the final thing. I wish I had answers for you - advice even - but I am afraid all I can say is that there IS always a reason not to take the final step and as long as you are here, as long as you are alive, there is hope that things can get better. Hope might be painful sometimes but it certainly is not stupid.
Are you getting medical/professional help with these feelings? Have you seen a doctor or a thearapist?
If you need to talk please feel free to PM me. You are not alone.
:hug:

 

[Wastingecho]

35+ years - no more docs or hospitals, no more drugs - none of them worked anyway

living from failure to failure

wasted life

waste of life

 

[WildCherry]

You aren't a waste of life. Just want you to know you're not alone, here if you need anything. :hug:

 

[Wastingecho]

what i need is something that i would never ask for from anyone

can only hope i have enough on my own

 

[Acy]

Heya, what's been going on to make you feel this way right now? Here if you want to share...:hug:

 

[jxdama]

i think you are great stan.

 

[Wastingecho]

any hope i had for a future where i might find contentment, purpose, real companionship - almost dead

like me

"great" doesn't apply to a life full of mistakes and failure - doesn't apply when you can't help the ones you care about - doesn't apply when your own reflection makes you sick

 

[total eclipse]

YOU are not failure all one can do is to try okay and to keep trying god hun that is all we all can do is our best You are someone hun someone special and i will not let you think otherwise hugs

 

[Wastingecho]

well my "best" isn't good enough

my "best" is less than worthless

been told that i actually was dropped on my head as an infant

should have thrown me down the stairs

 

[Wastingecho]

now i'm going to bed alone, again

to dream about everything i may have had a chance at

all disappearing, all fading

heart is so heavy, so sore

wish it would stop on its own in my sleep

instead i'll be awake by 3:30 - 4 and end up sitting in the dark with maybe a cat to keep me company

this isn't a life - this is hell - my own hand-made hell

this is what i deserve

 

[WildCherry]

No, this isn't what you deserve. And it also isn't your fault.

 

[Prox]

WC is right. You are a great person and you deserve nothing less than the best. Just gotta reach for it.

 

[Wastingecho]

Can't reach for something that isn't there

Now it's back to an empty job in another state so I can come home to a place I don't belong

Emptiness and lonliness, fear and self-loathing - what a winning combination - and that's all i'll have for the rest of my life

Would you want to live like that?

How can anyone expect me to?

 

[WildCherry]

Job in another state? What happened?

 

[Wastingecho]

i've had to travel from long island to new jersey for over two years now - ever since the company decided it could save money by leaving manhattan

the area sucks, the commute sucks, having to file tax returns in multiple states sucks

and constantly having to listen to corporate boasting about this place being one of the top 100 places to work in NEW YORK - i can't even begin to describe

spend almost 5 hours a day just traveling to and from work now that i don't have a car

why? why do i bother?

because i thought that if i could endure it for a couple of more years, then maybe, just maybe i had a chance at something good, at something that could be wonderful

but its all blowing away if it was ever real to begin with, each day my hope dies a little more - when it's finally gone...i'll be gone

 

[jxdama]

5 hours is alot. can you find another job?

 

[Wastingecho]

There are no other jobs - tried looking for years

So tired - left early - slept on train home - just slept for another hour on the couch - no strength

Going to bed - no point in staying awake - why bother

Don't want to be awake - don't want to wake up - can't do anything about because wireless would notice and call for help

 

[Wastingecho]

No one on the train platform - not a soul on the walk to the train

Too much

All I can see are exits - 3 steps forward is all it would take - no kit required

 

[Wastingecho]

everything is making me cry now

books, music, tv - even the fucking commercials

safe from all that at work but not the isolation, the loneliness - can't even focus on work right now for more than a few minutes at a time

almost couldn't make the walk to the train this morning - each step was so heavy - out of breath by the time i got there - sitting in my chair now with 4th cup of coffee and still have no energy, trouble keeping myself upright

don't care about me any more, if i ever really did