feel stupid

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 19, 2012.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    feel so stupid - trying to hold on to a dream

    why did i hope things would work out - such an idiot

    harder and harder each day to believe any more - who am i trying to fool

    little voice in my head keeps getting louder - it's over, get on with it already

    finding all my old pills in my nightstand and can't stop wondering if adding them to my stash will help me in the end

    just want to get dressed, sit in my car, and keep swallowing until i can't swallow any more

    god i hate myself - HATE HATE HATE - wife keeps pressuring me to shave - haven't done it in months - but it's the only way to hide my face from myself in the mirror

    why do i deserve to live - why do i deserve to go through this pain when i can see that i have no future anyway

    feelings have been this intense for a couple of weeks now and i'm breaking - won't take much more to get that first pill past my lips

    can only push these feelings off for a couple of hours at a time then they slam back worse than before

    my final failure is coming, i know it - knew it was inevitable

    and i know that i will be alone at the end
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Wastingecho - I am sorry that you feel so sad, so alone. Of course I cannot pretend to understand how you feel or to know what has brought you to this, but I cannot believe that you have cause to hate yourself as much as you do. You have a wife - this at least tells me that you are able to love and be loved... please hold on. I understand what it is like to lived hour to hour (minute to minute even) looking for a reason NOT to do the final thing. I wish I had answers for you - advice even - but I am afraid all I can say is that there IS always a reason not to take the final step and as long as you are here, as long as you are alive, there is hope that things can get better. Hope might be painful sometimes but it certainly is not stupid.
    Are you getting medical/professional help with these feelings? Have you seen a doctor or a thearapist?
    If you need to talk please feel free to PM me. You are not alone.
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    35+ years - no more docs or hospitals, no more drugs - none of them worked anyway

    living from failure to failure

    wasted life

    waste of life
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't a waste of life. Just want you to know you're not alone, here if you need anything. :hug:
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    what i need is something that i would never ask for from anyone

    can only hope i have enough on my own
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, what's been going on to make you feel this way right now? Here if you want to share...:hug:
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i think you are great stan.
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    any hope i had for a future where i might find contentment, purpose, real companionship - almost dead

    like me

    "great" doesn't apply to a life full of mistakes and failure - doesn't apply when you can't help the ones you care about - doesn't apply when your own reflection makes you sick
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are not failure all one can do is to try okay and to keep trying god hun that is all we all can do is our best You are someone hun someone special and i will not let you think otherwise hugs
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    well my "best" isn't good enough

    my "best" is less than worthless

    been told that i actually was dropped on my head as an infant

    should have thrown me down the stairs
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    now i'm going to bed alone, again

    to dream about everything i may have had a chance at

    all disappearing, all fading

    heart is so heavy, so sore

    wish it would stop on its own in my sleep

    instead i'll be awake by 3:30 - 4 and end up sitting in the dark with maybe a cat to keep me company

    this isn't a life - this is hell - my own hand-made hell

    this is what i deserve
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    No, this isn't what you deserve. And it also isn't your fault.
  13. Prox

    Prox Active Member

    WC is right. You are a great person and you deserve nothing less than the best. Just gotta reach for it.
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Can't reach for something that isn't there

    Now it's back to an empty job in another state so I can come home to a place I don't belong

    Emptiness and lonliness, fear and self-loathing - what a winning combination - and that's all i'll have for the rest of my life

    Would you want to live like that?

    How can anyone expect me to?
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2012
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Job in another state? What happened?
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i've had to travel from long island to new jersey for over two years now - ever since the company decided it could save money by leaving manhattan

    the area sucks, the commute sucks, having to file tax returns in multiple states sucks

    and constantly having to listen to corporate boasting about this place being one of the top 100 places to work in NEW YORK - i can't even begin to describe

    spend almost 5 hours a day just traveling to and from work now that i don't have a car

    why? why do i bother?

    because i thought that if i could endure it for a couple of more years, then maybe, just maybe i had a chance at something good, at something that could be wonderful

    but its all blowing away if it was ever real to begin with, each day my hope dies a little more - when it's finally gone...i'll be gone
  17. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    5 hours is alot. can you find another job?
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    There are no other jobs - tried looking for years

    So tired - left early - slept on train home - just slept for another hour on the couch - no strength

    Going to bed - no point in staying awake - why bother

    Don't want to be awake - don't want to wake up - can't do anything about because wireless would notice and call for help
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    No one on the train platform - not a soul on the walk to the train

    Too much

    All I can see are exits - 3 steps forward is all it would take - no kit required
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    everything is making me cry now

    books, music, tv - even the fucking commercials

    safe from all that at work but not the isolation, the loneliness - can't even focus on work right now for more than a few minutes at a time

    almost couldn't make the walk to the train this morning - each step was so heavy - out of breath by the time i got there - sitting in my chair now with 4th cup of coffee and still have no energy, trouble keeping myself upright

    don't care about me any more, if i ever really did
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