Feel worse than ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thebrain, Jun 19, 2008.

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  1. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    I feel worse than I have since...well, forever. Even after my friend's fiance killed himself in November. I feel empty, depressed, angry, and lonely all at the same time. I even feel angry at and detached from my boyfriend even though he's really done nothing wrong. I've been wondering if I've possibly got avoidant-borderline mixed personality disorder. Especially the last year, I've switched from idealizing to being irritated or disgusted by people in a second, and I've known for a long time I've had a significant number of avoidant characteristics (along with a number of BPD characteristics, though not as severe as my cousin). I don't want to alienate him. He was/is the only thing keeping me alive other than my lack of courage. I feel horrible for feeling this way towards him. I know in my heart that I love him, but I feel like my brain is trying to trick me. I hate my brain.

    My stupid housemates are gossiping again. I know they were talking about me last night too because they were in the room next to mine and our walls are paper thin. They got all quiet and then someone said "I think they're related" and then another said "eeewww" and everybody started laughing. It's a running joke that my bf and I look a lot alike (which I only see a little of). It's getting really old. Plus one of my bf's friends started being an ignorant ass today as well.

    I despise people. I despise feeling so alienated from them. They have their own little world that I'll never break into. I hate being laughed at. I hate getting embarrassed so easily. I hate being so awkward. I hate feeling so stupid when I'm around other people. I interact well with guests at my job, but that's because it's all fake and I'll never see them again. I can trick them into thinking I'm normal and happy because all I'm doing is giving them info. It's one-sided. I suck at social interaction. All of my friends leave eventually because nobody likes to hang out with me. I never know what to say or do.

    I doubt many people aside from my bf and my family would even notice or care that much when I was gone. I know my coworkers would just get on with their clique-y little lives. And my mother and step-father would just blame it on me being selfish. My dad wouldn't show much emotion at all, and my sister would just be a drama queen.

    My bf is the only one who I think would truly care...and I don't even understand why he's with me. I don't think he even knows. I think he just got sucked in and now he can't leave.
  2. Undone

    Undone Active Member

    I just wanted to say I relate alot to what you are feelings; from the social awkwardness to the detachment from your partner. I'm an array of emotions aswell, I despise everyone one day & envy them the next, even my boyfriend, who is just an innocent bystander.

    I think it's common to search for more disorders when you're feeling this way, I'm of course in no position to diagnose you but I do know that depression can make you feel alot of different ways, not just sad.

    I've been feeling angrier & angrier lately, I think I'm just tired of life & how it can never just cut me some slack. I hate feeling angry & bitter, even more than feeling lifeless & sad. It's just another facet of depression, one that I really need to get a grip on before I drive the couple people I have left away.

    Best if luck.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello The Brain, Are you an isolationist? how about socialphobia, do you have that? The reason I ask is some of the stuff you talked about could very well be the case. An isolationist does feel awkward around other people. You have no positive input so you just say nothing at all. You don't want anyone getting close to you.
    If any of this registers with you, then you need to see a shrink and get yourself set up on meds to help give you a crutch to stand on. When you isolate you stagnate, you don't get any input from others so you feel ignorant. I know the feeling well because I am one.
    You should also get yourself hooked up with a good therapist. Alot of people would disagree with that. I think they are full of shit. You can't deal with this alone. You need somone to teach you coping skills and to help you come out of you shell and get that positive interaction you need to help build your self esteem back up. Anyhow I wish you well and I am here if you need someone to talk to...:chopper:
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi...have you spoke to a counselor or a pdoc to find out if you have these problems??? sometimes, we can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure these things out which truly distracts from resolving the problems...about you housemates, they sound jealous, so either ignore them or confront them depending upon what you think will work best...big hugs, J
  5. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty sure it's not social phobia. I'm not completely an isolationist. I have a job that I generally like (when my coworkers aren't being total idiots) that requires a lot of social interaction. I just feel totally separate and awkward when not interacting during my job. I have moderate to severe reservations about seeing a therapist. One, my sister had a lot of crappy ones that I went to a couple of times as a kid, and I hated them. It seems way too difficult to find a good one. Two, I don't have the money unless my insurance pays for it, and I can't let my dad find out; I'm still in college, so I'm still on his insurance.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Interview therapists until you find someone you can share with...there is no reason to do the alone...seek out a referral from a university department near you or a hospital/private practice...see if anyone you talk to you can imagine telling your story to...it might be scary at first, but quality support does make the difference in the quality of someone's life...best of luck, J
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