I feel worse than I have since...well, forever. Even after my friend's fiance killed himself in November. I feel empty, depressed, angry, and lonely all at the same time. I even feel angry at and detached from my boyfriend even though he's really done nothing wrong. I've been wondering if I've possibly got avoidant-borderline mixed personality disorder. Especially the last year, I've switched from idealizing to being irritated or disgusted by people in a second, and I've known for a long time I've had a significant number of avoidant characteristics (along with a number of BPD characteristics, though not as severe as my cousin). I don't want to alienate him. He was/is the only thing keeping me alive other than my lack of courage. I feel horrible for feeling this way towards him. I know in my heart that I love him, but I feel like my brain is trying to trick me. I hate my brain. My stupid housemates are gossiping again. I know they were talking about me last night too because they were in the room next to mine and our walls are paper thin. They got all quiet and then someone said "I think they're related" and then another said "eeewww" and everybody started laughing. It's a running joke that my bf and I look a lot alike (which I only see a little of). It's getting really old. Plus one of my bf's friends started being an ignorant ass today as well. I despise people. I despise feeling so alienated from them. They have their own little world that I'll never break into. I hate being laughed at. I hate getting embarrassed so easily. I hate being so awkward. I hate feeling so stupid when I'm around other people. I interact well with guests at my job, but that's because it's all fake and I'll never see them again. I can trick them into thinking I'm normal and happy because all I'm doing is giving them info. It's one-sided. I suck at social interaction. All of my friends leave eventually because nobody likes to hang out with me. I never know what to say or do. I doubt many people aside from my bf and my family would even notice or care that much when I was gone. I know my coworkers would just get on with their clique-y little lives. And my mother and step-father would just blame it on me being selfish. My dad wouldn't show much emotion at all, and my sister would just be a drama queen. My bf is the only one who I think would truly care...and I don't even understand why he's with me. I don't think he even knows. I think he just got sucked in and now he can't leave.