Feeling a great calm about wanting to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aBreathFromWorldsBeyond, Jan 29, 2012.

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  1. This is my first time doing anything like this. I'm not even sure why I am here if truth be told. I guess maybe for a different perspective.

    A brief summary of how I got here might be in order. Although I'm not even sure if this will help.

    Almost 4 years ago. I was in a relationship with a woman that didn't work out. That in itself was not a problem for me. However whilst wewere together. I took a loan out to help pay this persons credit card debts. I won't bore anyone with the details. The upshot of this was I faced ereposession of my houtime I suffered isomewhat from a breakdown. No sleep, drinking heavily and became addicted to online chat rooms.

    It was in one such chatroom that I started an online relationship with another woman. I know I was using this relationship as a way of distracting me from all the other things going on in my life. I ended up visiting this person and we started a relationship. I quit my job and moved in with her. I had another job lined up and my intention was to keep paying my overdue bills until I could sell this house. The job fell through though and then the economy took a major downturn. I ended up losing the house and as I didn't get any of my mail redirected. I know I owe thousands of pounds in debts but apart from one company, no one has traced me yet. During this time my family basically disowned me. I can understand this, because I have buried my head in this sand iverthe debt. I have tried reconcilliation but I gave up after my father told me he doesnt want to hear from me again.

    The relationship I had with the woman I met online was doomed from the start. She had mental health problems. Combined with chronic alcoholism and drug use. We both have addicitive personalities. So at first whilst I wasn't working I also indulged in this lifestlye. However when I was able to get a job I did stop, unfortunately she didn't and the relationship became volatile. Almost 2 and half years later she through me out in the streets. I went to a homeless hostel. Which is where I am currently.

    Almost two years ago at work. I met this wonderful sweet woman who I became very good friends with. She was married but we became very close. Like best friends we could talk to each other about anythijg and everything. I have never had many close friends in my kufe and she became very important to me. Especially as I had been through some shit recently, dome of which was my own making. Yet my friend never judged me and always tried to help me where she could. However last September she told me that she had feelings for me that beyond friendship. And I admitted to her that it had become the same for me. I knew she was having difficulties in her marriage, which is why I wanted to her to be sure that this is what she wanted. She said it was and that she had already decided that she had had enough of her husband and was going to take a divorce.

    Now I have had great problems expressing love to anyone before, so it came as a great shock to me that I had completely fallen for this woman. I mean absolutely smitten. We had a connection that was unbelievably strong and for both of us it felt like that one time you meet some one and truly fall in love. So we started an affair, whilst she started planning this divorce. However after a couple of months she said to me that she was starting to worry about this ddivorce. She has a two year old son with her husband and was worried about how this would affect him. Whilst I understood this I was a bit surprised that she only mentioned it then and not before. However she still assured me she was going to take the divorce.

    A further two months later and things were getting worse between her and her husband. We both thought he had began suspect what was happening. And sure enough he walked out on her one day. Was gone for two weeks. Both of us thought that was the end and we started to make plans about moving in. together. However he came back last weekend and I heard nothing from her all weekend. Then I had a phone call on Sunday to say that she was getting back with him. That he knew about our affair and decided to give her one last chance. She agreed for the sake of their son. She told me that we could no longer even be friends and that she will be quitting her job soon. So will no longer see each other.

    I can understand why she has done this, but I am left now, with nothing. I have lost my closest friend in all the world and that hurts more than any physical aspect of the relationship. Currently I have nothing left to give to anyone. I am isolated from my family I live now a long way away from the area I knew all my life. I am facing bankruptcy and to be honest I have lost all will to live. But that doesn't scare me, because if I am gone (i actually smile when I type this) no one will actually miss me at all. I will be free of this debt and I won't have this empty feeling anymore. Because even if there is nothing after death that would be infinitely preferable to what I am feeling right now.

    Anyway sorry for the rambling story. I have some preparations to make for the forthcoming week. Next weekend feels about right. Actually will coincide with the 11th anniversary of the desth of my first girlfriend
     
  2. silex

    silex Member

    Imagining how that must feel is terrible. Debt is such a crushing worry, added to homelessness and what must seem like rejection from someone you love sounds intolerable.
    When I think of suicide I sometimes feel calm. Other times I panic it isn't possible or I won't have what it takes and then things feel more anxious. I'm pretty sure from past experience it's possible to think and feel lots of different ways about it but then when the actual time begins to enact a plan it can be different than I anticipated. Hope saying this doesn't disturb your calm because you definitely deserve peace and confidence after what you've been through.
    It is true that people experience things that are intolerable and it is no wonder in that situation that the idea of death is a comfort.
    I sincerely mean it when I say I'm sorry for what's happened and I'm grateful you wrote about it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2012
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