So, I'm on annual leave this week and it has made me feel quite lonely. I don't have any friends I can phone to ask if they want to come over and watch a film or go out for a drink. Actually, I don't have many friends at all, and no close friends. Almost everyone I know is from work and if we didn't work together, I doubt we would have much in common. I used to think I could be happy on my own but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's something to do with having turned 30, not wanting things to be like this anymore. 10 years ago, I cut most people out of my life and I've been paying for it ever since. I became quite reclusive, didn't speak to many people, had some secrets, told some lies. Things got better a few years ago when I moved home and got the first of several temp jobs. Now I have a full-time job and some savings which feels great considering that it wasn't all that long ago when I had nothing. But I've completely forgotten how to talk with people outside of work. I don't think my brain works fast enough to deal with people in real time, and online I totally freak out about how I come across that I hate it almost as much as talking to someone in person. At the moment, I'm trying just to type and not worry too much as I probably won't get this finished otherwise. I'm not sure if I am depressed. I sometimes go online to read about the symptoms and I definitely show signs (easily irritated, not enjoying thing that I used to) but it doesn't affect my daily routine so I must be okay. I mean, I get up and go to work everyday (in fact, I've never been off work unless I've taken holidays like this week) and don't have outbursts or breakdowns, either in front of people or alone. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts and these have become more frequent but I know that I would never go through with it. But I don't like my life very much and sometimes it gets to be a bit too much. It's hard to explain - everything is okay on the surface but when I look closely, almost nothing is how I want it to be. Like I said above, I turned 30 last month, but you wouldn't think it to look at me. It's not just that I still look quite young but my situation is probably more like someone who has just turned 20. I live at home with my family, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids, I do a fairly mundane, unimportant admin job. I'm not even sure what my goals are. I should probably move to a place of my own but I don't know how I'd afford that or what the point would be (I'd probably end up being more alone than I am now). My family are very supportive but I can't (don't want to) talk to them about how I'm feeling. I'd prefer they thought of me as a pretty happy person rather than the sad, lonely human being that I've become (I know how crazy that must sound). Also, I live on a pretty small island so it's not always the easiest place to be yourself (well, that's what I keep telling myself). When I say small, it's got 20000+ inhabitants and is actually quite a social place but the things people like to do here, it's not for me. They go to places where there's lots of drinking and loud music and I really struggle in places like that. I guess it's just really difficult to find people who share similar interests, especially when they're not very popular interests. Also, I feel so old. It bothers me that people keep checking their phones every 10 seconds. And it seems like everything that's going on is just passing me by. People keep talking about tv shows I never watch and films I never want to see. I feel like I've fallen in a race and everyone else just kept on running I think another problem is that I'm quite a selfish person. I would rather be alone than compromise myself to fit in with other people. And I'm not arrogant enough to think that other people should fit in with me. Oh well, maybe I'm just too unique to ever have friends Sorry that this post is so rambling but it's the only way I would have ever gotten it down. I'd be really interested to hear from anyone if you have any thoughts on my thoughts Or if you can relate to any of it or have some advice. Thanks.