Feeling a little isolated.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Eves, Sep 15, 2016.

  1. Eves

    Eves Well-Known Member

    So, I'm on annual leave this week and it has made me feel quite lonely. I don't have any friends I can phone to ask if they want to come over and watch a film or go out for a drink. Actually, I don't have many friends at all, and no close friends. Almost everyone I know is from work and if we didn't work together, I doubt we would have much in common. I used to think I could be happy on my own but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's something to do with having turned 30, not wanting things to be like this anymore. 10 years ago, I cut most people out of my life and I've been paying for it ever since. I became quite reclusive, didn't speak to many people, had some secrets, told some lies. Things got better a few years ago when I moved home and got the first of several temp jobs. Now I have a full-time job and some savings which feels great considering that it wasn't all that long ago when I had nothing. But I've completely forgotten how to talk with people outside of work. I don't think my brain works fast enough to deal with people in real time, and online I totally freak out about how I come across that I hate it almost as much as talking to someone in person. At the moment, I'm trying just to type and not worry too much as I probably won't get this finished otherwise.

    I'm not sure if I am depressed. I sometimes go online to read about the symptoms and I definitely show signs (easily irritated, not enjoying thing that I used to) but it doesn't affect my daily routine so I must be okay. I mean, I get up and go to work everyday (in fact, I've never been off work unless I've taken holidays like this week) and don't have outbursts or breakdowns, either in front of people or alone. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts and these have become more frequent but I know that I would never go through with it. But I don't like my life very much and sometimes it gets to be a bit too much. It's hard to explain - everything is okay on the surface but when I look closely, almost nothing is how I want it to be. Like I said above, I turned 30 last month, but you wouldn't think it to look at me. It's not just that I still look quite young but my situation is probably more like someone who has just turned 20. I live at home with my family, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids, I do a fairly mundane, unimportant admin job. I'm not even sure what my goals are. I should probably move to a place of my own but I don't know how I'd afford that or what the point would be (I'd probably end up being more alone than I am now). My family are very supportive but I can't (don't want to) talk to them about how I'm feeling. I'd prefer they thought of me as a pretty happy person rather than the sad, lonely human being that I've become (I know how crazy that must sound).

    Also, I live on a pretty small island so it's not always the easiest place to be yourself (well, that's what I keep telling myself). When I say small, it's got 20000+ inhabitants and is actually quite a social place but the things people like to do here, it's not for me. They go to places where there's lots of drinking and loud music and I really struggle in places like that. I guess it's just really difficult to find people who share similar interests, especially when they're not very popular interests. Also, I feel so old. It bothers me that people keep checking their phones every 10 seconds. And it seems like everything that's going on is just passing me by. People keep talking about tv shows I never watch and films I never want to see. I feel like I've fallen in a race and everyone else just kept on running :) I think another problem is that I'm quite a selfish person. I would rather be alone than compromise myself to fit in with other people. And I'm not arrogant enough to think that other people should fit in with me. Oh well, maybe I'm just too unique to ever have friends :)

    Sorry that this post is so rambling but it's the only way I would have ever gotten it down. I'd be really interested to hear from anyone if you have any thoughts on my thoughts :) Or if you can relate to any of it or have some advice. Thanks.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are not rambling but merely expressing your thoughts. Yes, sometimes social scences can be over whelming but we can help with the aniexty you feel.

    Have you tried speaking to a counsellor or thought about taking medication for any aniexty you feel. You open to people here and they will not judge you. The aniexty you feel is quite common as its down to isolating yourself.

    Are you a confident person or just a quiet person?

    Is there hobbies you like and can you find clubs or people with similar interests ?

    From looking from the outside it might be a matter of self-confidence you need to develop. I am no practioner but it's what I picked up from your posting. If I have got it wrong, then please accept my apologies for upset caused.

    Perhaps talking to us on the forum will help you as we do not know you and it's very unlikely we will meet in a life situation. If your do a search on loneliness on the forum, you may find previous posts which you can relate to.

    I appreciate this post might be short but might I hope it helps feel at ease on the forum.

    Please keep posting and take care my friend.
     
  3. Eves

    Eves Well-Known Member

    Hi. Thanks so much. It's great to hear your thoughts. I think you are completely right with your observation that I have a self-confidence issue. I am quite a quiet person and I always worry about how I come across to people. I'm one of those people who try so hard to look like they're listening that they actually don't hear a word anyone says :) There probably are things I could do to meet people and go a little outside my comfort zone but it sometimes seems a very scary place out there! And because it's quite a small place where I live, there's only so many places to go. I really am trying to get over this fear and I'll definitely try to keep posting although it makes me feel very self-conscious.
     
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Eves :)

    You know, I felt very much the way you do not so long ago. I'm an old fashioned woman, I hate cell phones and social media and loud booming music. I've never been a night-clubber, not a fan of getting drunk and dancing and all that, never was. I'm 48 now and I have accepted that I'm just never going to be part of the herd. I remember when I used to work, the employees talked about things that either didn't interest me or I had not clue existed and I felt left out, kind of like a social pariah. For a while it bothered me. But I decided that this was how it was going to be and I needed to embrace it. I made the choice to live a solitary life, no friends, no family. I do have a boyfriend and 6 pets, and that is more than enough "social" for me. It's not a bad thing if you're comfortable in your own skin.

    Do you have hobbies or interests that you're passionate about? Are you spiritual? I'm a Nature-lover and I just love spending time outdoors on my own, doing things to keep the earth happy :) and learning about astronomy, moon cycles, the seasons and folklore. This has actually brought me into a deeper love for myself and my choices.

    And by the way, I spent 20 years in solitude, rarely talking to anyone but my 2 dogs lol...I also forgot how to talk to people. I still have trouble now, I have to think about what they say before I can answer and I find most people way too impatient so I keep to myself mostly.

    I hope you can find some light in your life, ever consider moving off the island and making a fresh start? It might take some time to save money, but it's a possibility.
     
  5. Eves

    Eves Well-Known Member

    Hello Frances. Thank you very much for your reply. It was really helpful. I totally agree that if I were comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of me and being alone wouldn't be such a big deal. It's great that you have hobbies that you're passionate about too. I have also been thinking a lot about the things I used to enjoy. Maybe if I push myself to do some of these things, I might be a little bit happier. I've often thought about moving away again but even though I'm not happy at the moment, I'm in such a better place since I moved home. I'm safe, I have a job, I can afford to do things if I want (5 years ago, I wouldn't even have been able to buy a meal for myself). I don't feel like I can give all that up to start somewhere new. For the moment, I'd like to try and make the best of what I have :)
     
    Frances M likes this.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    That is something I live by, to make the best of what I have. I'm not 100% happy in my current situation, but each day I do something to make it better, even if it's writing down what makes me grateful in life. I completely understand why you'd want to stay for now, I was homeless at one point in my life, and even though I'm kind of what you'd call "house poor" (it means you can pay all your bills, but no extras), and I don't like the village where I live, I have to stay here for a few years more to save more money to buy a place (hopefully, fingers crossed!!!)

    When I was at the worst of my depression, I couldn't think of anything, nor remember anything that gave me pleasure in life. I would do searches online for "hobbies" and "hobby ideas" "interests" things like that, and just read through lists of things I could try to do to fill my time, it was hard. I finally found a few things, but it took a lot of experimentation! I hope you can find some things to fill your time so that you feel fulfilled and happy being on your own. There are people out there like us, but maybe you need to find them elsewhere? I can't even remotely suggest anything, because I don't care to look ;), but are there any type of courses you can take, hobby workshops, things like that to meet like-minded folks?
     
  7. Eves

    Eves Well-Known Member

    I don't really have many hobbies. I like some films and music and talking about these things but that's about it. Are there people out there who don't like doing very much at all or is it just me?

    I hope you eventually find your dream place to live.
     
    Frances M likes this.