I'm having suicidal thoughts again. Everything is caving in on me. I don't know how much longer I can take it. My therapist once told me to tell him if I needed help staying alive. I know I should tell him that I need that help now, but I'm terrified he'll put me in the hospital. I cannot go into the hospital right now. Too many things need to be done. And I don't want to be hospitalized during Yule and Christmas. I want to cut so bad. I want to curl up in a ball in a dark quiet place and disappear. I have a LOT of leftover meds. They'd be really easy to take, especially since they're the dissolvable kind. I wouldn't have to swallow a whole bunch of pills. That's very appealing to me since I have trouble swallowing pills. I could just keep putting one tab after another on my tongue and slip away. The desire is so strong right now to finally stop fighting and let go. No one should have this much pain in their life. I want it all to just stop.