feeling acutely suicidal - please help me

[bipolarkitty]

I'm having suicidal thoughts again. Everything is caving in on me. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

My therapist once told me to tell him if I needed help staying alive. I know I should tell him that I need that help now, but I'm terrified he'll put me in the hospital. I cannot go into the hospital right now. Too many things need to be done. And I don't want to be hospitalized during Yule and Christmas.

I want to cut so bad. I want to curl up in a ball in a dark quiet place and disappear. I have a LOT of leftover meds. They'd be really easy to take, especially since they're the dissolvable kind. I wouldn't have to swallow a whole bunch of pills. That's very appealing to me since I have trouble swallowing pills.

I could just keep putting one tab after another on my tongue and slip away. The desire is so strong right now to finally stop fighting and let go.

No one should have this much pain in their life. I want it all to just stop.

 

[ace]

What's going on with you BP?please tell me I know and understand how hard it is talk to me.

 

[yeahmayb]

bpk---I'm here and online for the day--if you need someone to listen....

((((Safe hugs))))))

 

[bipolarkitty]

There's just too much crap going on. The IRS is levying our bank account and I'm scared they're going to leave us penniless. We can't pay our bills, and we're not going to be able to have a Christmas this year because we can't afford anything, not even a book apiece.

I'm having a hard time settling my mom's final affairs since she died with no will. She has money in a savings account, but I can't touch it without going to an attorney. That will cost as much as what's in the account so it's not worth doing.

I can't find a home for her cat and I'm afraid I'm going to have to take him to a shelter where he might be put to sleep if no one adopts him. It's not right. He shouldn't have to die because she did. And unfortunately I can't take him.

My step-son is causing havoc in our house, there's so much drama and he keeps losing his temper and punching and breaking things like doors. Every time I'm around someone like that, my emotions flare up to match them. It's exhausting.

My own cat is very sick. My tiny 900 sq ft mobile home is crammed to the rafters with my mom's things and I have barely enough room to walk through the rooms. My dishwasher's broken and I can't even reach the sink to wash any dishes!

And on top of all of that, now I'm sick. I think I'm coming down with the flu. But I can't afford to be sick because if I don't do what needs to be done, it won't get done. No one here will help me.

It's all just caving in on me and it's too much!

Sorry this was so long. I could go on and on, but I have too much to do right now. I wish I could just disappear.

 

[blackfire]

i know how you feel. the temptation is so strong that you just want to cross the line and never come back. i have been there before too. Just be honest with your counselor and see what he says. it is only in the best interest for you, even if you think it will suck.

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

Hun, I don't know how much I can help right now, but if'd you like to talk you are more than welcomed to PM me or my msn is [email protected] and my yahoo is [email protected] ..



Hang in there swetie, it can get better, we just gotta figure out how, there is hope even if you can't see it now, that's what we have is hope....hang in there hun, please. We will make it, ok?



:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[theleastofthese]

Dear bpk;

I"m sorry to hear that you're under so much severe stress right now. Doesn't seem fair, does it, that it all comes all at once so the load is too heavy to stand up under. Can you speak to the cat shelter about not completely relinquishing your mom's cat unless it's adopted and not put to sleep? Perhaps they'll bend the rules knowing the circumstances. As for the attorney fees to access your mom's bank account... is there a free legal service in your area? In our area, Ohio, there's Legal Aid for those who need legal services but can't afford them. Look into that, perhaps, or is there a church or other charitable organization that could help you with bills, legal matters, your cat's vet bills from it's being sick, and the business of finding a good home for your mom's cat. Believe me, I understand all too well: we have six cats in our home, as well as feeding and sheltering every stray in the neighborhood. I'm a cat person and I understand your frustration. Please check into any and all options before completely giving up hope.

love and hugs and support,:smile:

least xoxoxox