Feeling alone and hopeless

[Muse]

Hi. I am a new member. This is my first post.

I have been having suicidal thoughts lately, and have started thinking about how I might do it.

I had my first suicidal thoughts in elementary school, and the main reasons for them now are the same as they were then. For most of my life, my dad has been really awful to me. I was doing some reading recently and found a list of things that are classified as emotional abuse. He has done every one of those things to me many times, and did them for years. He ran me, my mom, and my brothers and sisters down all the time. Nothing we did was ever good enough. I was an overachiever who excelled at most of the things I did, but nothing was ever worthy of praise to him.

All my siblings struggle with the way he has treated us. My oldest brother is a drug addict who's been in and out of jail many times, and made his first weak suicide attempt a few months ago. He's a great guy who was very smart and good at anything he tried, but nothing was ever good enough for my dad. We've all struggled to different degrees and in different ways.

I live far away from my family, for my own good, and though I have worked very hard to heal my relationship with my dad (and have made some progress), it's always very painful to see him, because he still makes many mean, critical comments. He has softened some in his old age, but it still hurts.

I feel like I have no real family. I have one, but I do seem to be better off without them.

I've never managed to find a suitable romantic partner and a relationship that lasts, so I don't have someone close to me and supportive in that way.

I have friends, and they are pretty good to me, but I don't have anyone I feel all that close to.

Money has been tight lately, and this is compounding my feelings of hopelessness.

I feel like I don't matter to anyone, I'll always be weird and alone, and I'd be better off gone from this world.

What's stopping me now is that I feel scared of actually going through with it. And thinking about the logistical hassles is overwhelming.

What should I do? Everything I think I should do just feels overwhelming.

Thanks for any ideas or help you can offer.

 

[total eclipse]

I just want to say hi welcome to SF hun You did good getting away from the abuse I know it feels hopeless but it is not Do you have a doctor you can talk to maybe get somemeds to help you I think therapy would be the best to help you heal from the harm done by your father. You are not alone now hun okay You have us here to talk to You can pm me anytime Keep posting okay let the sadness out that way too hugs

 

[Muse]

Hi, total eclipse. Thanks for your response.

I do have a therapist that I talk to once a month. I'd like to talk to her more, but it's too expensive. But I have never told her that I have had suicidal thoughts. I think that the survival tactic I learned at a young age was to "put on a happy face" and pretend things are OK. I thought that if I was perfect and good all the time, maybe I could earn my parents' love. It's very hard for me admit weakness to anyone, maybe because when I did that as a kid, I was just ridiculed or ignored.

I tell her as much as I feel comfortable telling her, and she does give me ideas for how to cope and improve.

I have made a lot of progress in the last few months, but I feel like I've hit a wall recently.

 

[Stranger1]

You have to be totally honest with your therapist.. They can't make a complete game plan for you if you leave out things.. Don't worry about talking to her about your SI.. As long as you don't tell them you are actually makeing a plan she won't do anything..Feel free to vent here.. No one will judge you.. Most of us have been down that path.. There is hope for you and you just need to find it..Do you have girlfriends you can go out with?? They can actually help you find someo9ne your interested in..

 

[foolnomore]

Muse ,stranger1 is right,be honest with your therapist. I am an old woman now and have lived with depression all my life and had very bad times with suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts but was never able to open up and talk,this time I actively sought help and am recieving more than i thought possible .Yes it is hard to open up and be honest but I am finding out as hard as it may be it is better than saying nothing ,I wish i had been able to do it years ago. So as you have a therapist,take that chance open up,be honest and they will help you.please don't keep it to yourself anymore.
Use this board,the people are lovely and I am sure they will help and encourage you as much as they have me.
Welcome to SF

 

[Muse]

You have to be totally honest with your therapist.. They can't make a complete game plan for you if you leave out things.. Don't worry about talking to her about your SI.. As long as you don't tell them you are actually makeing a plan she won't do anything..Feel free to vent here.. No one will judge you.. Most of us have been down that path.. There is hope for you and you just need to find it..Do you have girlfriends you can go out with?? They can actually help you find someo9ne your interested in..

Thanks, Stranger1. I did talk to my therapist about this today. It would have been really hard for me to bring it up on my own, but she made it easy on me by bringing it up in a non-intimidating way and asking me if I'd had these thoughts. I told her that I had. She told me what to do if I get to the stage of seriously considering and planning it -- tell someone, a friend or her. And I agreed to do that.

The truth is I've already gotten to that stage, and that's when I came here. And now I've told her. I haven't told anybody else. But it was a weight off to tell her that I'd had the thoughts, and that I remember first having suicidal thoughts in elementary school, because of how my dad's abuse made me feel. She also asked me if I would commit to not acting on those thoughts between now and the time we talk again (in a month). I said yes, and I meant it.

I do have a couple of pretty good female friends I can go out with. The problem is they are gorgeous and very outgoing, and I'm cute at best and pretty shy, so anytime we go out, men are flocking around them, and not me. I have been trying to be more sociable on my own lately, but all the guys I have attracted seem to have pretty big issues that would only complicate my life. I keep trying to meet people, but it's exhausting to keep meeting these people who aren't good for me.

Muse ,stranger1 is right,be honest with your therapist. I am an old woman now and have lived with depression all my life and had very bad times with suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts but was never able to open up and talk,this time I actively sought help and am recieving more than i thought possible .Yes it is hard to open up and be honest but I am finding out as hard as it may be it is better than saying nothing ,I wish i had been able to do it years ago. So as you have a therapist,take that chance open up,be honest and they will help you.please don't keep it to yourself anymore.
Use this board,the people are lovely and I am sure they will help and encourage you as much as they have me.
Welcome to SF

Thanks, Johnnie.

It has always been very hard for me to ask for help from anyone, I suppose because I learned at a very young age that asking for help was futile, and I'd only be ridiculed, yelled at, or ignored.

I'm really glad my therapist made it easy on me by asking me the right questions without making me volunteer the information.

Right now, I'm trying to work up motivation to get back to some of the healthy basics I had been doing well for months before falling into this down phase. Does anyone have any tips for motivating yourself to exercise, eat well, be more sociable, and all those good things?

Thanks for all your help. I really appreciate it.

 

[threne]

There is a lot to discuss about with your postings, though the causes seem obvious, suicidal thoughts can be more self-induced than the obvious effectual.
My father is distant, to say the least, and my memories of him have always been some kind of absent pursuit of approval to a person I barely ever see.
In your case(though I know I could be wrong, and most often am) it seems that you have a father who is overly critical, and often, demeaning to anything you and your siblings achieve or even aspire to.
The only resolution of this is to realize that your life is your own. Whether or not you receive the approval/love of the person you hold closest to you is irrelevant. There are some things you can't change in life...and people as well. The hardest part is knowing how to adapt.
If you feel there is no purpose in even trying to adapt, then you need to take a close look at your life and examine every single possible outcome of it.

Just remember the outcome is infinite and completely in your control... should you want it to be.