Hi. I am a new member. This is my first post. I have been having suicidal thoughts lately, and have started thinking about how I might do it. I had my first suicidal thoughts in elementary school, and the main reasons for them now are the same as they were then. For most of my life, my dad has been really awful to me. I was doing some reading recently and found a list of things that are classified as emotional abuse. He has done every one of those things to me many times, and did them for years. He ran me, my mom, and my brothers and sisters down all the time. Nothing we did was ever good enough. I was an overachiever who excelled at most of the things I did, but nothing was ever worthy of praise to him. All my siblings struggle with the way he has treated us. My oldest brother is a drug addict who's been in and out of jail many times, and made his first weak suicide attempt a few months ago. He's a great guy who was very smart and good at anything he tried, but nothing was ever good enough for my dad. We've all struggled to different degrees and in different ways. I live far away from my family, for my own good, and though I have worked very hard to heal my relationship with my dad (and have made some progress), it's always very painful to see him, because he still makes many mean, critical comments. He has softened some in his old age, but it still hurts. I feel like I have no real family. I have one, but I do seem to be better off without them. I've never managed to find a suitable romantic partner and a relationship that lasts, so I don't have someone close to me and supportive in that way. I have friends, and they are pretty good to me, but I don't have anyone I feel all that close to. Money has been tight lately, and this is compounding my feelings of hopelessness. I feel like I don't matter to anyone, I'll always be weird and alone, and I'd be better off gone from this world. What's stopping me now is that I feel scared of actually going through with it. And thinking about the logistical hassles is overwhelming. What should I do? Everything I think I should do just feels overwhelming. Thanks for any ideas or help you can offer.